The Subterfuge - Part XII

And just when I was lamenting the fact that I would have to leave the world of pop-culture commentary behind, just when I thought that I had run out of things to say about the entertainingly entertaining entertainment business and come up with something completely mundane to discuss, the other day I happened to be watching Headline News, or HLN, as it is now known. And what did I happen to see on HLN? Well I saw a story that stated that the one and only Kevin Federline was scheduled to appear on the next edition of Celebrity Fit Club!!! And I immediately said to myself, “Yes! Cabral, your bread-and-butter is back!”

For about a year now, I had been wondering what had ever become of Kevin Federline. Perhaps the greatest rapper and recording artist of any genre for that matter, Federline disappeared into the unknown sometime last year, depriving us of some much needed quality music. We were left to wonder what exactly he could be doing while we assumed that he could only be making the heroic sacrifice of being the type of father that everyone needs by taking care of his kids while his ex-wife, Britney Spears, worked to leave crazy town…er, worked to conquer the demons in her life. And since Britney Spears has officially lost her official nut-job certification, it is now time for Federline to burst back on the scene.

But it seems that K-Fed has put on a few of the L-B’s over the past several months. And that makes sense; taking care of two young children on your own doesn’t leave much time to get your workout in. It’s hard to find time to go out for a run when you’re single and the primary caregiver for two children under the age of five. It’s hard to find time to work on your backup dancer moves when you have to worry about making money to feed your young children.

Now, CFC is not just famous for giving washed up celebrities a chance get their lives back in order at least on one level, managing their runaway weight problems; it is also famous for the fights between cast members and the complete meltdowns of cast members during the course of the show. And this edition of CFC comes pre-packaged with a powder keg that is ready to blow.

Of course, Federline and Jackson have said before that there is no animosity between the two, one can only imagine that Shar Jackson has to still feel a bit of resentment for Federline considering the fact that he left her for Spears while she (Jackson) was pregnant with his second child and, as nearly as I can tell, Federline never really fought that hard for custody of the two children he had with Jackson. But then again, Federline probably wasn’t going to be able to collect $20,000 in monthly child support from Jackson.

Oh well, maybe Federline and Jackson have buried whatever hatchet must surely have existed between the two, but that doesn’t mean that we still can’t have a big blowup like there was between Dustin “Screech” Diamond and Drill Instructor Harvey Walden IV during the most recent season. I can just see it now, at one of the weigh-ins Federline hands Walden a stack of audio cassettes of his Playing with Fire album and suggests that the cast members pop them into their walkmans to jam to while doing their workouts, and Walden challenges Federline to a cage match. Ah, it will be good times!

Journal Entry: And in related news, Lamar Odom, sidekick #2 on the Los Angeles Lakers got married over the weekend to Khloe Kardashian after a several days-long courtship and after having had three kids with his ex-girlfriend of nearly a decade and after never having been married before. So let’s congratulate Mr. Odom on leaving bachelorhood! Sure, I don’t really know what he sees or saw in Ms. Kardashian, but then again, I never watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians or Kourtney and Khloe take Miami…

The Subterfuge - Part XI

So the other day I was driving along with the radio on, listening to some tunes. Well, as I was listening, the song “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” came on by an artist known as Beyonce Knowles. (Maybe some of you have heard of the song or the artist before. No? She’s reasonably talented, I guess. I think that she might make it big with a little luck, so you might want to get familiar with her.) Now ordinarily I would have just turned the station, or turned off the radio, or crashed the car in protest because most of you are well aware that I’m a much bigger fan of someone like, say…Taylor Swift and that kind of music.

However, for whatever reason, I paused and chose to listen to the lyrics of the song. And quite naturally, the reflexive distain that this song had earned from me, perhaps unfairly, became completely justified in my mind. So as I was listening, I heard this particular stanza:

“I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I can care less what you think”

Did you read that? It’s simply awful. Do you see that last line in the stanza – I can care less what you think? I can care less what you think… Do you want to know what I can or could care less about? Okay, in fairness, I may not be the best person to consider when wondering the identities of things about which one can (or could) care less. For I think that many of you are well aware that there are not many things about which I could (or can) care less. And thus when people tell me things such as Man City won such and such game, or my flip flop is missing, or you’re using “air quotes” inappropriately, or I’m over at Taco Cabana with a double order of huevos rancheros waiting for you, my treat, well then my response is I could not care less. Wait a minute, something’s not right. Scratch that last example; I’m afraid I got a little bit carried away. A treated double order of huevos rancheros from Taco Cabana? Now that is something about which I certainly can care less.

I discuss this point because I think that it is quite evident that this last line makes absolutely no sense. I’ve hesitated to read all of the lyrics in the song, but based on the ones that I have read, and based on the fact that when this song does come on in bars/clubs none of the guys seem to be particularly excited, but only the girls, I can only assume that Miss Knowles is talking directly to an ex-boyfriend whose opinion she does not hold in high regard. So shouldn’t the line be I can’t care less what you think? (The line could have similarly been I cannot care less what you think, but in order to keep whatever silly beat was used in the song, I used can’t. Please note that the line still doesn’t rhyme with the line occurring two lines before it.)

Now Beyonce is not the only who makes this mistake. Indeed, I would estimate that I hear “could care less” at least ninety percent of the time (with the accurate phrases “could not care less” and “couldn’t care less” comprising the balance). So in essence, people are wrong at least ninety percent of the time, or in every instance that they say I could/can care less. Of course there are things that people could/can care less about than they do, but when people say these things, they almost invariably want to convey the impression that they mean the exact opposite (and I am waiting to actually hear an instance when a person does actually mean that they could/can care less about something).

Journal Entry: I cannot believe that I actually now know words from that stupid “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” song beyond those words in its stupid chorus/refrain. There is clearly a chain reaction of events that led to me knowing these words with several linkages. The most obvious is Mr. Kanye West’s “decision” to interrupt Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the VMAs. Now sure, if you eliminate this particular event I would not have been forced to learn these lines – I could still be living in ignorant bliss – but since Kanye West is insane, he is incapable of really making any decisions so I am once again left blaming all of you who watch nonsense like the VMAs. Thanks a lot everyone…

The Subterfuge - Part X

I really don’t want to have to discuss this, but it is somewhat unavoidable. For those of you who watched the MTV Video Music Awards this past Sunday on the MTV, first of all, you probably could have found something better to do with your time. It probably should come as no surprise to anyone that I missed this particular edition of the “VMAs,” just as I have missed every other edition. In fact, I was completely unaware that the program was even on…

That is, I was completely unaware until my Facebook news feed started to “blow up,” as the kids say, with comments about Kanye West. I gave it little thought then because it seemed that it could not have really been that important (and in the end, it wasn’t), and I really blamed all of those people posting on the news feed for whatever happened to happen in the first place. (You see, if no one watched the VMAs, there would be no VMAs to watch, and Kanye West wouldn’t even have a platform to engage in ridiculous actions. So there you have it; all of you are to blame for this and not Kanye West.)

But then the following morning my incuriousness got the better of me as I continued to see the “Kanye West” news feeds and so I still didn’t check out what the hubbub was all about. So it wasn’t until I got to work that I finally decided to see what this whole Kanye West/VMA issue was all about. And so I watched.

It seems that Taylor Swift was given an award for some category the identity of which escapes me at the moment, and so while she was up giving her acceptance speech, a special guest in the person of Kanye West decided to join her on the stage. And Kanye West had nothing but the best things to say to Taylor as he congratulated her on her first ever VMA win. Or at least that is what he would have done if he was only partially insane. However, as it has no doubt become clear over the years, Kanye West is completely insane. And so instead of doing only the partially absurd by walking onstage and interrupting to congratulate her, Kanye said, and I paraphrase, “Taylor, I’m really happy for you, and I’m going to let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos in history.”

The problem is that Kanye West apparently lacks that portion of the human brain that tells a person that, hey, maybe I should just keep this particular thought between me and me at the moment. You know, if Kanye West had a blog or something like that, then maybe he could type out a few of his thoughts and feelings there.

But now on to what you really want to know: was Kanye West right? Does Beyonce have one of the best videos in history, and by extension of that thought, was Beyonce’s video better than Taylor Swift’s? I don’t care. I have no idea what videos were in contention. However, since I hate country music, I cannot say that it is likely that I would like Taylor Swift’s video. But then again, I’ve hated most of Beyonce’s videos that I’ve seen and songs that I’ve heard. But all of this is pointless. All of these awards shows are de facto popularity contests. So the simple solution for you, Mr. West, is to either pay off all of those serving as judges, or, if the VMAs are judged in a similar fashion to the ridiculous People’s Choice Awards (i.e., you for some unfathomable reason let the fans vote for who they think should win), and it is literally impossible to pay off everyone, then you point out, quite accurately, that Taylor Swift may or may not daily eat at least six children under the age of four and that she may or may not run a vicious cockfighting ring with Wilford Brimley.

Journal Entry: And in case you were wondering, no, I did not watch Kanye West’s appearance on this new Jay Leno program. The reason is that Jay Leno is not funny. For the life of me, I have no idea how the Tonight Show stayed at #1 with him there for so many years. I have heard, however, that apparently West said that he was going to take some time to do some reflection. Well, that’s super, but I thought that he was going to be doing some reflection after the South Park Fishsticks episode. Regardless of what you think about West as a performer, he is a crazy person, so it should come as no surprise when he does something that is completely insane. He is a ticking time-bomb of the crazy.

The Subterfuge - Part IX

A long, long time ago there was a beautiful Flip Flop Princess residing in a glorious land of superbness with her equally beautiful twin Flip Flop Princess sister, whom we’ll call Sandal Princess for the sake of clarity. Now, although Flip Flop Princess seemed to have everything that a Flip Flop Princess could want, she was constantly jealous that her mother loved Sandal Princess far more. And also Mother had a horrid hamster-dog hybrid that unbeknownst to Mother constantly attacked and otherwise tried to defile Flip Flop Princess in unspeakable manners.

Well, one day Flip Flop Princess had had enough. She saw the opportunity to escape the neglectful eye of Mother and go off on a glorious new adventure filled with flowers and treats and candy and most of all, no vile hamster-dog hybrids. And so Flip Flop Princess surreptitiously stole away into a land of grand new possibilities.

Mother amazingly noticed Flip Flop Princess’s absence almost immediately. It was too bad that the discovery wasn’t immediate, for then maybe Mother would have been able to stop Flip Flop Princess from running off. And then even worse than failing to prevent Flip Flop Princess’s escape, she accused the land’s greatest Hero, Hero, of having abducted Flip Flop Princess. The horror of having been accused by Mother of having kidnapped the land’s beloved Flip Flop Princess drove Hero into a deep depression.

But there was really no depression, feigned or real. Hero after all never really cared for the insignificant Flip Flop Princess. And instead of using his great strength and courage to seek out and save Flip Flop Princess, Hero did nothing because he didn’t care and he realized that it wasn’t as if Flip Flop Princess was irreplaceable.

Eventually, however, Hero had a change of heart and used his great strength and courage to help Mother to discover to where Flip Flop Princess had run off. But this is only partly true as Hero had no change of heart. Many doubted whether Hero possessed a heart at all. Nevertheless Hero endeavored to bring Flip Flop Princess back from the far off land. But what end did Hero’s aid truly serve? Had Hero unbeknownst to Mother made a secret pact with Villainy?

Journal Entry: Did you see that? Did you see how I used the word unbeknownst twice in one email? That’s a personal best by two unbeknownsts I believe. I also created the word superbness, so please do congratulate me. And did you see that? That’s a second usage of the word superbness, a word, I’d like to reiterate, that I created myself. That’s a new personal best and a new world record by my count of three superbnesses, since after all I did create the word. And did you get that? I’m now up to three unbeknownsts, two unbeknownstses (including the one in this sentence), three superbnesses, and two superbnesseses (including the one in this sentence). Ooooh damn! Did I just make up two more words…

The Subterfuge - Part VIII

It was a late Thursday night (indeed, it was certainly early Friday morning by this point) not unlike any early Friday morning for me, and I had just pulled into the drive-thru of the one and only Taco Cabana (okay, of course there is more than one Taco Cabana out there, thankfully, because I would hate to see the line at the drive-thru at the Taco Cabana if it was the only one. It would be madness. There would probably be riots. Nightly. Or probably morningly.) to pick up the Usual, a double order of huevos rancheros.

Now, I was getting a little bit annoyed because I had made an extra effort to get out of bed to get over to Taco Cabana by long before 2 am. I figured that if I got there by 1:45 am, I would sail through the drive-thru with no problem. Silly me, I was forgetting that this was the Taco Cabana.

As my wait in line before even ordering began to approach fifteen minutes, I began considering doing the drastic: getting out of my car and walking up to those ahead of me in line and tossing them out of their cars and then driving their cars off somewhere else, anywhere else, but not in that line. Fortunately for those in the cars in front of me, this did not have to be done.

But when I got to the intercom to order, and after I had already ordered the Usual (the double order of huevos rancheros), for some reason I actually looked at the menu and I beheld listed there the Big Cabana Bowl! I was intrigued, very intrigued. I was intrigued enough to order the Big Cabana Bowl.

Upon arriving home, rather than digging into one of the orders of huevos rancheros as is customary, I went after the Big Cabana Bowl. And do you know how it was? It was delicious. I wish that I could say that I finished it there in that one sitting, but this was the Big Cabana Bowl after all and sadly I must admit that I was defeated on that occasion. So I put the remains of the Big Cabana Bowl in the refrigerator knowing that I would perhaps dream of finishing that Big Cabana Bowl a few short hours later that morning.

A few short hours later, I did wake up and I did finish that Big Cabana Bowl. And this is precisely where this story meets its end. I had made the new discovery of the Big Cabana Bowl at Taco Cabana and at that point, endless possibilities instantly opened in my world…

Journal Entry: And you thought the Big Cabana Bowl story was over. How silly of you. Because the very observant of you will have noted that there was still the matter of the double order of ranchos huervos that had gone uneaten. Well, I promptly took care of one of those Friday evening. And then, I truly wrapped everything up by finishing off the second one Saturday morning. But the “Usual” has taken on an entirely different meaning…