Learned the Name of the Song

It is indeed the moment all of you, my countless followers, have been waiting for - I'm semi-officially bringing the weblog out of semi-unofficial retirement! And what could prompt me to do such a thing? That's a very good question; I'm glad I asked.

Well, as it so happened, I was driving the other day and happened to have the radio on when I caught a song playing that I have long enjoyed, but had never been able to identify. I knew enough about the song by listening to it that Lionel Richie was the singer and that it was likely a Commodores song, but I never paid close enough attention to the lyrics, or remembered them long enough to get to a computer to run a search.

On this occasion, however, I was ready. Once I heard the song playing, I listened very closely. And then when I identified a passage in the song, I pulled over to the side of the street, turned my emergency lights on, took out my phone, and ran a search right then and there. (And yes, all of this did actually happen.)

And what was the result? Well, I'm not going to tell you what the song was, but I will post a link to the video right here, so that you can enjoy it as well. I'll be back sometime within the next day or so with an analysis of the song/video explaining why the song and video have both jumped to legendary status in my mind. Until then, I suggest that you watch the video constantly because this is a great song and a great video.

(Going one step further, if I was ever to start the habit of frequenting stupid karaoke events and I needed my own sort of signature karaoke song, this would be it.)

Chronicles of El Scorpio - Escape from the Desolate Wasteland

There was once a man who was simply known as El Scorpio. (El Scorpio!) No ordinary man was El Scorpio (El Scorpio!) and the tale of his true origin is a legend best left for another time. He was possessed of a mystical stinger with which he could eject a powerful and incapacitating venom whenever he grew into a rage whilst defending against those who would oppose the peace loving peoples. He was El Scorpio! (El Scorpio!)

These are the Chronicles of El Scorpio! (El Scorpio!)

El Scorpio suddenly awakes to find himself in an unfamiliar, desolate land. His head aching, he stumbles to his feet trying desperately to remember where he is, or anything else for that matter. No luck. El Scorpio wanders alone… (El Scorpio!)

After what seems like weeks (but is really only a few hours) of solitary meandering, El Scorpio begins to feel the pangs of hunger and thirst. He struggles on for a while longer trying to ignore his growing need for sustenance, but realizes that his thirst must soon be quenched. Then for the first time in this little saga it appears as if fortune is no El Scorpio’s side as up ahead he sees a spring! (El Scorpio!)

El Scorpio runs (or more precisely, shuffles) toward the spring. He cannot help himself as he kneels down and gulps down big handfuls of water. After he has had enough, he sits down, palms behind him, with his knees bent and feet flat on the ground. El Scorpio sits like this a few seconds before he suddenly hears a sound behind him. (El Scorpio!)

El Scorpio looks up to see the cutest, furriest animals approaching him. They were not overly large, perhaps about two feet long with tails half that length, and they very much resembled hybridizations of hamsters and cats. One might refer to them as hamster-cats. As the hamster-cats approach, El Scorpio develops an almost insatiable childlike desire to pet the creatures. Just as he is reaching out his hand to pet one, the facial demeanor on the creature’s face changes markedly from cute and cuddly to vicious and menacing. The creature pounces on El Scorpio and is quickly joined by the others. (El Scorpio!)

El Scorpio struggles to fight the now scratching and biting monsters as he attempts to gain the distance necessary to unleash his dreaded stinger. He is successful in escaping a few yards away from their teeth and claws and chuckles to himself as he is about to fire the venom. “Say goodnight,” El Scorpio says. But then nothing. He tries to fire again, but again nothing happens. “Oh crap,” El Scorpio says as he turns to run away. (El Scorpio!)

El Scorpio runs with surprising speed as he attempts to escape and fend off his relentless predators. He does much zigzagging as an intentional destination is not on his mind for the moment. The vicious creatures are now almost upon him again, and he believes that this time he shall not be able to escape when suddenly, El Scorpio finds himself alone in a grand chamber. (El Scorpio!)

In the center of the room lay a small dais and in the center of the dais lay a stone and protruding from the center of the stone was a curious sword. El Scorpio approaches the dais and the sword. As he gets closer, he begins to be able to make out words that are written on the stone. As he reads the words to himself, a spirit seems to appear before him, saying those very same words to El Scorpio. (El Scorpio!)

“I am Main-Gauche! Take me and you shall have the power to fight through this desolate land!”

El Scorpio reaches for Main-Gauche just as Main-Gauche reaches for El Scorpio… (El Scorpio!)

To be continued…

Preview: Will El Scorpio succeed? Will the combination of El Scorpio and Main-Gauche navigate through this dangerous desolate land? Tune in next week to find the answers to those questions!

The Subterfuge - Part XIX

As Bella stared out the window into the moonless night sky, she could not help but think about Edward. She thought longingly of him; where was he, what could he be doing right at this moment? Bella was of course thankful for the friendship and protection that Jacob and his friends had provided, but this was not enough. The Cullens had become Bella’s family and she wished to see them and be with them once again, if only for just one more time. But in her heart of hearts, she knew that none of the other Cullens really mattered; her absent love Edward Cullen was the only thing that mattered in the world.

As she sat there, hovering between fantasy and reality, she faintly heard what sounded like a knock on the door. Shaken from her daze, she walked downstairs and to the door to see who it could be. She wasn’t expecting anyone and in fact believed that she would be completely alone for the night. However, as she walked toward the door, her spirits started to lift with thoughts that maybe, just perhaps this could be her love Edward returning to her.

Overtaken by these hopes as she arrived at the door, anxiousness found a strong grip upon her, causing her to momentarily struggle with the locks. After what seemed an eternity to her of trying to negotiate this barrier between herself and her love, she finally opened the door. She had to squint for this was the night of the new moon and so this celestial body afforded no help in illuminating the dark sky. But then finally a tall figure walked toward the door.

But Bella quickly realized that she had no idea who this person was who entered the home. However, she certainly recognized the two figures that he carried, one in each hand. In one hand there was Jacob, and in the other hand, there was Edward, her true love. They both appeared to be completely lifeless and as this man tossed them effortlessly upon the floor, Bella could see that neither gave a hint of stirring. Stunned, she finally looked up at the man and asked, “Who are you?”

“My name is Viktor, but I shall do the talking now,” he said. “These pathetic abominations are what pass for vampires and lycans these days?! This weakness that has pervaded both species while I slept is unacceptable. I shall rally my Death Dealers and put an end to this debasement that has occurred to the immortals.”

Trying hard but unsuccessfully to fight back tears, Bella said, “He’s…he’s not moving… Did you kill Edward? Did you kill them?”

Viktor replied, “I did not give you permission to speak. But I will answer your question because you’ll be dead just as they are soon enough. But wait, perhaps I should grant you immortality, though you are not nearly as attractive or tough as my beloved daughter Sonja or my dear Selene. Perhaps you can be trained… I did kill them because they were weak. That vampire, and I hesitate to call him such, was a disgrace. He clearly spent more time applying makeup to his face and putting product in his hair than he ever did training to destroy the lycans!”

“But, but…” Bella stammered, now fully in tears.

Viktor continued, seemingly ignoring her, “I shall once again make the Death Dealers a force to be reckoned with in this world! We will hunt down these wretched cereal box-vampires and make the species strong once again! And we shall exterminate this pathetic rodent-like strain that these lycans have become. My old foe Lucian, I am thankful that you did not have to live to witness what has become of your brethren…”

“What, what…” Bella said, stunned.

Viktor now turned his attention back to the young lady and with his fangs elongated approached…

Epilogue: And what became of Bella next? The answer is unclear, but also irrelevant. Viktor, long thought dead, was able to reassemble his race of Death Dealers and was able to lead them, quite effortlessly, in wiping out the weak vampires like the Cullens that had infested the world. He then just as easily led them in destroying the lycans forever. With the task complete, Viktor sat upon his throne and contemplated his accomplishment. He thought about the ease in which it was all done (only taking eight days), and briefly longed for the time when he truly faced a formidable challenge.

The Subterfuge - Part XVIII

We’re just moments away from the opening bell pitting East versus West. In the red corner, the newcomer on the championship boxing scene, standing 6’5”, and weighing in at 261 lbs is the imposing cyber-trained boxer from the Soviet Union, Ivan Drago! And in the blue corner, the heavy weight champion of the world, hailing from Chicago, Illinois, standing 6’1”, and weighing in at 235 lbs, The Southside Slugger, Clubber Lang!!!

Confused? Unsure about what is to take place and whether this scene is reality or fantasy? Perhaps it has elements of both. And it certainly has elements of the unknown (for you). But soon enough such will not be the case. For soon you will know the answer to the question: what if Sylvester Stallone had not created and starred as the Rocky character in the movies Rocky III and Rocky IV and thus created the completely implausible scenarios in which Rocky Balboa defeated Clubber Lang and Ivan Drago?

Several weeks ago…

While taking a hiatus from boxing for the time being, Clubber Lang was doing what he ordinarily does when not training for a fight, moonlighting as a soldier of fortune in the Los Angeles underground. For those who had a problem for which no one else could help, and if they could find them, Clubber Lang was part of a team that was for hire. But on this day, the team was gathered around the television watching what was sure to be an epic fight between Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago. The team, perhaps out of a deep feeling of patriotism, hated the Soviets and all Communists and so was firmly in the corner of Creed.

But Apollo was not the first choice to battle Drago. The Soviets had sought out the champion of the world, Clubber Lang, but could not find him. Not being able to land Lang, and rather than going with a fight with Rocky Balboa, the Paper Champion, Drago’s camp arranged to fight Apollo Creed, the Master of Disaster and the Count of Monte Fisto. It was not entirely clear why Creed had Balboa in his corner. Many speculated that it was because Balboa was annoyed with constantly having to deal with his whiny wife’s complaints about how her first husband used to beat her and how her brother had had him killed and all kinds of silly stuff that Balboa was never able to completely verify. It was theorized that Balboa finally got sick of it and just needed to get out of the house for a while.

As the Creed-Drago fight was soon to begin, and as Clubber Lang and his team kicked back to watch, all of a sudden the team’s pilot stood up and started screaming hysterically and pointing at the television. When the rest of the team turned to look, they simply saw that the camera was focused on Drago as he was preparing for the opening bell. But it soon became clear that the rest of the team would not be able to ignore the pilot forever, and so they turned the volume all the way down on the television and listened.

What the pilot said largely made no sense, but they could make out the words power, grey, skull, power again, and the pilot kept insisting that Drago had a sword. And the pilot also stated that Drago had spoken all of this in Russian. After clearly giving too much attention to this madness, the rest of the team finally came to their own senses and did the right thing; they gagged and tied up the pilot and focused on the fight.

Soon after the fight began, the team could see that something was going wrong. Creed was getting pummeled by Drago. And then in the second round, Drago knocked Creed down and out forever. Clubber Lang jumped out of his seat and yelled, “Nooooo! It should have been me that beat that has-been Creed!”

To be continued…

Addendum: After watching the rest of the coverage on television where it was confirmed that Creed was dead, the team got around to untying the pilot. As soon as he was no longer gagged, the pilot blurted out, “See, I told you! He took out his sword and pointed it at Apollo and a ray beam shot out at him and Apollo turned into a ferocious green tiger with armor and sharp teeth. Then he, man, he hit him with the sword and Apollo the green tiger went to sleep.” Clubber Lang then punched the pilot.

The Subterfuge - Part XVII

This is a big week for goats as I’m sure everyone is aware that the movie The Men Who Stare at Goats opens in theaters across the country on Friday. Well, I don’t know a whole lot about the plot – I have shied away from reading any reviews for the film thus far, lest the movie be ruined for me before I have the opportunity to watch it – but from watching the commercials, things don’t go particularly well for the goats. It seems that there are individuals in the movie that have the ability to stare at goats (and hence the name of the film) and have the goats drop dead. Poor goats…

This was unacceptable to me because as you are well aware, I have a huge admiration for goats. So I’ve decided to retell a more uplifting tale of goats, if you’ll indulge me. There once were three goats called the Three Billy Goats Gruff. The Billy Goats Gruff were of varying sizes, and one day the smallest of the three wanted to cross a bridge so that he could eat the grass on the other side. The problem is that there is a powerful troll living under the bridge who eats those who attempt to pass. But this smallest of the Billy Goats Gruff was really hungry and so he approached the bridge. Sure enough, the troll emerged and threatened to eat the goat. The goat, thinking quickly, convinced the troll that he was too small and that the troll would much prefer to eat his bigger goat brother. So the troll allowed the goat to go. Similarly, the middle sized goat approached the bridge and was stopped by the troll and pleaded that troll would much prefer to eat his larger brother. The troll allows this goat to pass as well. Soon the largest of the goats approached and again the troll jumped out, but rather than talk to the troll, this largest goat gored the troll and let him fall into the river. The largest of the goats walked across the river to join his brothers in eating the grass.

Now we’ve always heard that this was the end of the story, but this is utter nonsense. And so the story continues… Soon all of the other goats, not just the Three Billy Goats Gruff, crossed the bridge to join in the delectable grass. However, this is what the troll had planned all along. You see, this was a magical and clever troll (as most trolls are) and certainly couldn’t be outsmarted by creatures such as goats who routinely faint when afraid. After all of the goats were across the river, the troll calmly stood up from where he had fallen in the river. He then stared at the bridge, causing the bridge to explode. The troll was a little bit dejected about losing the bridge under which he had lived for a long time, but he knew that he had gained so much more: an almost unlimited buffet of goats.

Journal Entry: And in another alternate ending to this story, the third of the Three Billy Goats Gruff did actually kill the troll (in this case the troll wasn’t magical because you can’t kill a magical troll) and walked across the bridge to join his brothers. The smaller two goats were of course overjoyed that the troll was dead. However, the largest goat was quite a bit pissed off at his brothers for having sent the troll after him and so he chased them off (or gored them, I can’t remember this part of the story exactly) and enjoyed a life of eating grass all by himself.

The Subterfuge - Part XVI

As I took a break from watching one of my DVDs the other day, I came across this truly disturbing story. Apparently the Baby Einstein videos and DVDs are completely ineffective in producing the little geniuses that many parents had hoped they would create. It seems that studies have shown that children under the age of two should not be watching any television because it ruins their attention spans. Fascinating. And so I reacted just as you would expect any mature adult to do; I immediately took my Baby Einstein DVD out of the DVD player, marched straight outside, and tossed the DVD into oncoming traffic.

But then I got to thinking. I had realized that if these videos and DVDs truly turned babies into geniuses, people for whom you need a stopwatch to measure their attention spans even before you do any more damage to them by planting them in front of the virtual babysitters that televisions have become, what could they do for me? And the answer is: lots! The evidence is undeniable. The Baby Einstein DVDs did work for me because, and I do not like to boast, I am considerably smarter than your average child under the age of two. Obviously since we have known for years that the quality of education in the US has been on the decline, the source of my clear advantage over toddlers in mental acuity must not be formal education. And so Baby Einstein has made me brilliant, but what should be done about children under the age of two who should not be watching television? I have the solution; children under the age of two need to spend more time learning from me, a genius…or at least more of a genius than most two-year olds.

So it’s quite simple, I’ll be releasing my schedule soon and anytime that it appears that I might be available, you can check with me to see if I actually am available and I’ll come over to your place (or more likely tell you that you have to bring your baby over to my place) and impart words of wisdom and encouragement to your bundle of joy. I cannot promise that the lessons I teach will be based on the lessons I learned while watching Baby Einstein, but I can certainly guarantee that the considerable amount of money that I force you to pay me will more than cover the amount of money I shelled out for the Baby Einstein DVDs.

Not convinced yet? Well, here’s an exclusive preview of one of the new Baby Cabral Lessons.

Hey there little [guy/girl]! How are you?! You doing all right? Do you have any teeth yet? Have you moved on to eating solid foods? Okay, let’s get to the business at hand. Your parents brought you to me because they’re afraid that you’re falling behind. Most [insert age in months or years] are probably eating dryer lint right now, and maybe you’ve been known to partake of it as well, but your parents want you to be a little bit more than what the average [insert age in months or years] is. So how do you get there? You get there by listening to and paying attention to me. I’ll provide lessons of wisdom, such as: get smarter, do the math better, and don’t eat dryer lint. And you’ll also get to watch me watch TV, watch me play video games, and maybe even watch me pummel purple dinosaurs. I’ll have you on your way to becoming a Baby Genius in no time!

Disclaimer: Baby Cabral Lessons is a registered trademark of Baby Cabral Industries and we make no claims that by engaging in the Baby Cabral indoctrination that your baby will ever become a genius. Your baby just may not be that smart, or your baby may have already consumed far too much lint. Baby Cabral Lessons will likely result in the lowering of your baby’s self-esteem, aversion by your baby to everything education-related, and a desire by your baby to murder all purple dinosaur-like creatures. All Baby Cabral Lessons are available on DVD at a 3% discount.

The Subterfuge - Part XV

JEDI DEMOTION

Galactic City, Coruscant - In what is believed to be the first ever occurrence of such an action, the Jedi Council has decided to posthumously demote a Jedi member. The Jedi Council ruled yesterday that Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn will be demoted to the rank of Jedi Knight based on circumstances surrounding the Trade Federation’s invasion of the planet Naboo. A thorough examination of the Jedi Archives reveals no such precedent for this action.

A year ago, in an alleged attempt to settle disputes related to the taxation of trade routes, Viceroy Nute Gunray authorized the Trade Federation’s droid army to attack the planet Naboo – an attack that was ultimately thwarted by a combined Naboo and Gungan force. The former Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn was one of two Jedi that aided in the defense of Naboo.

Following week-long closed-door meetings, sources familiar with the Council’s deliberations, commenting on the condition of anonymity, have stated that it was deemed that Jedi Jinn displayed perception skills “significantly lacking in one considered a Master of the Order.”

The sources went on to say that Jedi Jinn’s failure to recognize the difference between the queen of Naboo and her decoy was “inexcusable and something that even a Gungan would recognize.” It should be noted that no sources who were involved in the events of the battle on Naboo can identify any Gungan that did in fact recognize the deception. It should also be noted that no evidence has ever been found to suggest that Gungans are very smart and sources secretly indicate that it would be a horrible mistake to ever elect a Gungan as a Galactic representative or a Galactic senator.

Jedi Masters Yoda and Mace Windu were both reached for on the record comments for this story. Said Master Yoda, “Unable to see through the deception, Master Qui-Gon Jinn was. Disappointed in his lack of vision, the Council is. A failure Master Qui-Gon Jinn was. A failure his master, Count Dooku, is.” When questioned about whether he too is a failure, having been Master Dooku’s master, Master Yoda indicated that he had trained Jedi for nearly 900 years and that he should know which Jedi were failures and which were not and indicated that he was not a failure. It should be noted that his words were not put in this order.

Master Windu was less diplomatic in his misgivings about Jedi Jinn’s perceived shortcoming. “The reason that Master Qui-Gon Jinn was unable to detect the deception and the reason he was demoted is because he wasn’t a bad enough muthaf-… I’m sorry, I momentarily let my anger get the better of me, and anger is part of the path to the Dark Side.” When asked whether he saw through the deception or if given the chance would have, Master Windu replied angrily, if not hatefully, “Of course I would have! One of them is four inches taller than the other one! That’s why Master Jinn wasn’t on the Council; he wasn’t a bad enough muthaf-…” Master Windu ended the interview at this point.

Attempts to contact Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn for this story were unsuccessful as Jedi Jinn is dead and no one on staff is able to communicate with the Jedi Astral Plane.

NABOO, JEDI CLEARED

Naboo System, Mid Rim - After a lengthy investigation, Coruscanti officials have released the findings from last year’s battle over Naboo. It was alleged by the Trade Federation that the Naboo force led by Queen Amidala had been highly negligent and reckless in allowing a young boy, not identified in this story because of his minor status, to leave the planet’s surface and venture into harm’s way. After an extensive interview with Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi, the only surviving Jedi from that battle, the investigators were assured that the boy was never in harm’s way, that the boy was never aboard the ship, and that the boy had remained in the garage hangar the entire time. The investigators were also told that they could move along. No charges will be brought against Queen Amidala, the Naboo, or the Jedi.

NEW STUDY: JEDI MIND TRICK NOT AS EFFECTIVE AS ONCE THOUGHT

In related news, new studies suggest that Jedi mind tricks are not as effective as commonly believed by the Jedi Order. In studies conducted on 807 anonymous adults of various species, it was found that 83% of the total adults interviewed and 80% of all species tested reported being immune to Jedi mind tricks. A clear majority of those interviewed reported pretending to be tricked so as to avoid death by lightsaber. It should be noted, however, that conclusive evidence suggests that Gungans are always fooled by Jedi mind tricks as none interviewed ever seemed to be able to identify an instance in which such a trick was attempted on him/her. The full results of the study will be released next week.

The Subterfuge - Part XIV

People who know me very well know in what high regard I hold the television program NewsRadio. The NBC program that ran from the mid to late 90s was truly a brilliant comedy, NBC’s best of the 90s as far as I’m concerned.

One of my favorite episodes from the series is one from the fourth season named “Security Door.” As you might imagine (or perhaps you might not imagine this and I’m giving you a little too much credit), the episode focused on the problems that arise among the employees when a new security door is installed in radio station WNYX. Now I’m not going to provide a synopsis of the episode, but I would direct you instead to treat yourself and watch it at your leisure…or while at work, whatever works best for you.

What brings this episode to mind is the fact that I sit very close to such a security door, within eyeshot of it in fact, and I do enjoy the hilarity of observing the frustration of others when dealing with it. Ordinarily the door works just fine. A person uses his/her badge on the card reader, a beep sounds, which is followed by the sound of the magnetic door lock being released shortly after, then allowing for that person to pull the door open. When a person desires to leave the secured area, a motion sensor detects the movement of the person as he/she approaches and releases the lock allowing for exit.

Occasionally though, things don’t go this smoothly. In some instances, and it appears to be happening with ever greater frequency, the timing is a bit off, whereby the lock releases, but then reengages almost immediately (if such an idea has any meaning), preventing the person from entering/leaving. And this is when the fun begins.If someone is trying to enter the door, after the first failed attempted pull, there is a little confusion. After the second failed attempted pull, the frustration starts to build. The door pulls begin to get a little harder, more violent. And after about the fourth or fifth attempt, pure anger sets in as, though muted to some degree by the door, I can hear the yelling and screaming. Oh so fun to watch.

But significantly more fun comes when a person attempts to leave and is thwarted. Admittedly I am no mind reader (though this would be a very useful talent to have), but based on reading the emotions of people as they struggle to get beyond the door, I think I can fairly accurately quote the monologue taking place in each person’s head.

The door fails for the first time. First there is bewilderment. The person presses the red “exit” button, but is still unable to leave. True fear sets in now. “No, no, no… I have to get out of here! They’re never going to let me leave! I feel like crying… Wait, I can’t cry right now and let everyone see me. I have to try again…” The person attempts to leave again by waving their hand or something they are carrying in front of the motion sensor. The door again disengages, but the person is too slow to exit before it once again reengages. Then comes the anger. “You son of a b----! You let me out this instant! I will not let you keep me here!” Honestly, I think much of this is actually audible. What are also audible are the noises caused by the violent pushing and banging on the door that occurs at this stage.

And then after this comes the hate. There is the hate experienced by the person who fears and is angry that he/she will never be able to leave. This person hates the door and is willing to demonstrate this hate. And in demonstrating this hatred for the door, the person is willing to dish out some suffering to the door. This fearful, angry, hateful person grabs hammers, books, shoes, calendars demonstrating the truly dubious artistic talents of the children of the employee’s coworkers, anything to exact revenge on the door. I know that you don’t believe that doors have feelings, but trust me, I can feel the door’s pain as it is repeatedly tortured…

Let’s see, we have fear, anger, hate, suffering… I think we all know where this is leading…

Journal Entry: It’s leading to the Dark Side of course! And if you know me very well, you understand now my pure delight in watching people struggle with the door. I enjoy watching others descend inexorably toward the Dark Side. I enjoy leading people inexorably toward the Dark Side. The reason? The Sith have always been much cooler than the Jedi. Now I’m not saying that this door is evil or an instrument of the Dark Side. And I’m also not saying that it isn’t evil nor an instrument of the Dark Side. What I am saying is: People, please be smarter than the door. Actually, don’t be smarter than the door because that would ruin my enjoyment.

The Subterfuge - Part XIII

It would be tempting to describe an event that took place on this date nineteen years ago as a simple miscarriage of justice. But a closer inspection of the facts surrounding the event will show it to be at once both far less and so much more. (Try wrapping your heads around that sentence.) While I abhor raising the happenings in the world of sports to too high a level of importance as well as the hero-worshipping of big time athletes, there are rare occasions when important life lessons can be gleaned from the world of sports. For example, it is sometimes good not to wear thousands of dollars in jewelry into the club so that you don’t have to carry your unlicensed concealed weapon inside the waist of your pants, and you don’t accidently shoot yourself in the leg and end up getting sentenced to two years in prison. I know it might be tough to figure out when one of these cases might be because a person has to wear his, or her, bling, but I’m sure such a case does exist. Keep searching…

But there I’ve gone and lost my train of thought for a moment. My apologies. Some of you may possess exceptional memories and then again, some of you out of curiosity may have already searched to find out what happened on this date nineteen years ago, but for those of you to whom neither applies, I will tell you that today is the nineteenth anniversary of a college football game between the Missouri Tigers and the Colorado Buffalos known as the Fifth Down Game.

The Fifth Down Game is termed thusly because near the end of the game, in fact on the very last timed play of the game, Colorado was inexplicably awarded a fifth down on which they scored a touchdown, which may or may not have been a real touchdown since it was questionable whether the Colorado player even got into the end zone (it apparently took the officials nearly twenty minutes to decide whether the Colorado player had broken the plane of the goal line with the ball), and in the course was awarded a victory, 33-31, that the team clearly did not deserve.

Now this sort of win by cheating would not be such a big deal if this was the type of Colorado Buffaloes team that we all have come to know and love, the kind of team that needs to cheat in order to have any chance at all to win. No, believe it or not, Colorado was actually once a respectable football team. With the “win” in the Fifth Down Game, Colorado would improve its record to 3-1-1 (but really only 2-2-1) and would go on to finish 11-1-1 (really only 10-2-1, and if you ask some Notre Dame fans, it really should have only been 9-3-1) and somehow gained a share of the mythical national championship even though Georgia Tech finished a legitimate 11-0-1. Let’s recap; Georgia Tech finished undefeated at 11-0-1 and Colorado finished 11-1-1 but it was clear that they should have finished no better than 10-2-1. And yet somehow Colorado gained a share of the national championship. Such a sham.

But something has happened since then. Many of you will have noticed that since that time, with a very few exceptions, Colorado has been a terrible football team. Colorado lacked integrity back then, and that lack of integrity has cursed them from that point forward. If Colorado wanted to know how a team with integrity should behave, they only needed to have looked fifty years before their fateful game with Missouri.

In 1940, an epic game took place between the Big Green of Dartmouth and the Big Red of Cornell in Hanover, New Hampshire. Cornell was a powerhouse team, coming in ranked second in the Associated Press poll and sporting an eighteen game winning streak. Well, Cornell trailed late in the game 3-0, but given a fifth down, they were able to score a touchdown and with the extra point appeared to win the game 7-3. However, the Cornell Big Red, being a team of integrity and not being cheaters, reviewed what had taken place in the game and decided that since they were unfairly given a fifth down, they would forfeit the game to Dartmouth. That is precisely what a team with integrity would do.

Integrity is something that should be valued above all else. Separated by a span of fifty years, we have two examples of opportunities in which two college football teams had the chance to denounce cheating and behave as programs of integrity. Cornell chose to behave as such a team of integrity; Colorado chose to behave like cheaters.Here we now are about a third of the way through this year’s college football season and it is clear that each of these teams has been justly rewarded for the legacies of their actions surrounding their Fifth Down Games. Cornell sits at 2-1 with a very good chance of finishing in the top five of the hallowed Ivy League, but they do face a tough matchup this coming Saturday against the powerful two-time-defending-Ivy-League-champion Harvard Crimson. Colorado sits at 1-3 with a very good chance of finishing outside the top five…of the Big 12…North Division…out of six teams. Integrity matters.

Journal Entry: I’d like to thank the very good people at the Wikipedia for doing the research for me about the Fifth Down Games. Other than that, I forgot what I was originally going to say here, so I’ll just blast Colorado a bit more. I know just about everyone reading this will agree with me that giving Colorado even a share of the national title after by all rights finishing 10-2-1 while another team finished 11-0-1 is a bit of a joke. This is irrespective of Colorado having “played a more difficult schedule.” They lost a game and almost certainly should have lost two. Georgia Tech had zero losses. Zero. How pollsters can overlook the Colorado loss and highly suspicious “win” against Missouri is mystifying. Ordinarily I believe that the Coaches’ poll is a complete charade in college football, but on this occasion, I would have to side with the coaches and not the AP in the national championship poll results.

The Subterfuge - Part XII

And just when I was lamenting the fact that I would have to leave the world of pop-culture commentary behind, just when I thought that I had run out of things to say about the entertainingly entertaining entertainment business and come up with something completely mundane to discuss, the other day I happened to be watching Headline News, or HLN, as it is now known. And what did I happen to see on HLN? Well I saw a story that stated that the one and only Kevin Federline was scheduled to appear on the next edition of Celebrity Fit Club!!! And I immediately said to myself, “Yes! Cabral, your bread-and-butter is back!”

For about a year now, I had been wondering what had ever become of Kevin Federline. Perhaps the greatest rapper and recording artist of any genre for that matter, Federline disappeared into the unknown sometime last year, depriving us of some much needed quality music. We were left to wonder what exactly he could be doing while we assumed that he could only be making the heroic sacrifice of being the type of father that everyone needs by taking care of his kids while his ex-wife, Britney Spears, worked to leave crazy town…er, worked to conquer the demons in her life. And since Britney Spears has officially lost her official nut-job certification, it is now time for Federline to burst back on the scene.

But it seems that K-Fed has put on a few of the L-B’s over the past several months. And that makes sense; taking care of two young children on your own doesn’t leave much time to get your workout in. It’s hard to find time to go out for a run when you’re single and the primary caregiver for two children under the age of five. It’s hard to find time to work on your backup dancer moves when you have to worry about making money to feed your young children.

Now, CFC is not just famous for giving washed up celebrities a chance get their lives back in order at least on one level, managing their runaway weight problems; it is also famous for the fights between cast members and the complete meltdowns of cast members during the course of the show. And this edition of CFC comes pre-packaged with a powder keg that is ready to blow.

Of course, Federline and Jackson have said before that there is no animosity between the two, one can only imagine that Shar Jackson has to still feel a bit of resentment for Federline considering the fact that he left her for Spears while she (Jackson) was pregnant with his second child and, as nearly as I can tell, Federline never really fought that hard for custody of the two children he had with Jackson. But then again, Federline probably wasn’t going to be able to collect $20,000 in monthly child support from Jackson.

Oh well, maybe Federline and Jackson have buried whatever hatchet must surely have existed between the two, but that doesn’t mean that we still can’t have a big blowup like there was between Dustin “Screech” Diamond and Drill Instructor Harvey Walden IV during the most recent season. I can just see it now, at one of the weigh-ins Federline hands Walden a stack of audio cassettes of his Playing with Fire album and suggests that the cast members pop them into their walkmans to jam to while doing their workouts, and Walden challenges Federline to a cage match. Ah, it will be good times!

Journal Entry: And in related news, Lamar Odom, sidekick #2 on the Los Angeles Lakers got married over the weekend to Khloe Kardashian after a several days-long courtship and after having had three kids with his ex-girlfriend of nearly a decade and after never having been married before. So let’s congratulate Mr. Odom on leaving bachelorhood! Sure, I don’t really know what he sees or saw in Ms. Kardashian, but then again, I never watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians or Kourtney and Khloe take Miami…