I may not make it into work tomorrow. And why might that be? Well, I think that it is high time that I venture off to Florida so that it can be established once and for all, with DNA testing, whether I'm in fact the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I've already mentioned that it is a long shot (to my knowledge I never did actually meet Ms. Smith), but I figure, you know, what the heck. Let's just see what happens. My fallback hope is that through DNA testing it is ascertained that I am in fact the son of Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, in which case, according to the rules of royal succession and inheritance that I am about to make up, I am entitled to some big time cash inheritance that would be tax free. I would also receive a dukedom.
However, in the meantime, I think that it is now time that I reveal what really happened in this strange story of the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby. And yes friends, this is BREAKING NEWS. This is what I believe most likely happened: Anna Nicole Smith likely died of something other than foul play, but there was likely a plot on her life. What seems very plausible to me (just as plausible as everything else surrounding the strange story of the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby) to me is that astronaut Lisa Nowak (or Lady Depends as some have nicknamed her) did not drive to Florida to kidnap and murder her rival for the love of another astronaut, but rather she may have intended to kidnap Anna Nicole Smith and/or Anna Nicole's baby. After all, Nowak did plead not guilty to the charges against her, and the notion that a forty-three year old woman would drive 900 miles straight in adult diapers so as not to have to stop to go to the bathroom along the way seems so beyond the threshold of pure lunacy that it would be difficult for any rational person to believe, and thus if hints were dropped that this were the case (e.g., actually wearing adult diapers and driving 900 miles without going to the bathroom) it would completely obscure what one's actual intention were: the kidnapping of Anna Nicole Smith and/or Anna Nicole's baby. Of course Nowak was caught before this plan could be fully realized, but as fate would have it, Anna Nicole Smith did die.
The obvious question that those of you are still with me must have is what was Nowak's motive? It's really quite elementary, dear reader, the motive was that Nowak discovered that Kevin Federline might in fact be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby and this was very disturbing to her associates. Your next question must be, how did Nowak know that Federline might be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby? Well, to answer this question, we must go back in time a bit. It is fairly well known that among Federline's great achievements, he used to be a backup dancer for the boy band *NSYNC. Well, obviously Federline was acquainted with *NSYNC member Lance Bass (that is of course if real band members allow backup dancers to talk with them or even ride in the same tour buses or stay in the same hotels). Now, it is perhaps less commonly remembered that Bass had an ill-fated attempt at becoming an astronaut of sorts and venturing into space as a tourist. Evidently, he did not have the right stuff (yes, I know this is actually a New Kids on the Block reference, but work with me here). Well, I'm assuming that during astronaut training for Lance Bass, he had to have come into contact with Lisa Nowak. (I mean there can't be that many astronauts out there really.) And so at some point while Bass and Nowak were having an astronaut talk, Bass revealed that he had heard that this guy that he kind of sort did not ignore on occasion, Federline, who was always rapping to himself in the corner and hitting on the girls from the groups on tour with *NSYNC was supposedly having an affair with Anna Nicole Smith. This information registered with Nowak, but she largely forgot about it for years.
Well, in the fall of last year, mere weeks after the birth of Anna Nicole's baby, I believe that Nowak was present at a crazy persons convention - not because she is crazy, but you know, she just had some free time. Well, I believe that Frederic Prinz von Anhalt was also present at this crazy persons convention - not because he is crazy, but you know, he just had some free time. His princely responsibilities are kind of limited these days. So, Prinz von Anhalt happened to tell Nowak of this plot he had to claim himself to be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby so that he could then claim the inheritance from J. Howard Marshall, and use that money for legal fees in his lawsuit against Viagra and Pfizer for having made him impotent (or at least that is his plot - nothing could make a manly man like Prinz von Anhalt impotent). And once Prinz von Anhalt won his lawsuit, he would obtain the kind of wealth that is fit for a Prinz. But it was at this point that Nowak remembered that Federline might in fact be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby, and she related the story that Bass had told her. So Prinz von Anhalt and Nowak hatched a plot whereby Nowak would venture to Florida (in possession of several strands of von Anhalt's hair as well swabs from his gums), kidnap Anna Nicole Smith temporarily, but then shave Anna Nicole's baby's head, Krazy Glue von Anhalt's hair to the baby's head, and then find some way to attach von Anhalt's gum tissue samples to the gums of Anna Nicole's baby. In exchange for doing this, Nowak would receive a hefty sum of the settlement money from the Viagra/Pfizer case, some of which she would donate to Lance Bass so that he could realize his dream of becoming an astronaut. But as Robert Burns once wrote, "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft agley." Sorry Lance...
And that is the story as I believe it likely occurred.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Spears-Federline Rankings - February 19, 2007
There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.
Rankings for February 19, 2007
1. Kevin Federline (1) - In this poll, Federline assumes the number one ranking. In the recent past he has done very little that scratches the head in disbelief, and he even earns bonus points as he has not (apparently) done any concert performances in recent weeks. His cause was hurt potentially as he did aid Nationwide Mutual Insurance Company in the wasting of $2.6 million while appearing in Nationwide's Super Bowl advertisement, but these deleterious effects were mitigated by the fact that Federline was offered gainful employment by Taco Bell as a result. Kevin Federline's position at number one would be solidified if accepting, therefore establishing full time employment.
2. Britney Spears - Britney Spears takes the number two position in these two person rankings. It can only be surmised that Spears was not happy with all of the attention that a dead woman (Anna Nicole Smith) was receiving from the media, so she chose the perfect way to regain the spotlight for herself; she shaved her head. Oh, and did I mention that she also got two tattoos?! To her credit, exposing her bare head is perhaps preferable to some of the other skin exposures she had done lately. The question that is on way too many people's minds is why did she do this. I have the answer. Spears is following in the footsteps of such actresses as Demi Moore in G.I. Jane and Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta whose shaving of their heads was an essential part of the respective movie's plot line. Unfortunately for Spears, the cameras that were following her were not actual movie cameras, but paparazzi with nothing better to do with their time than stalk washed up pop stars. The bad news for Spears is that despite what she may have believed in her mind, she is not actually in a movie. The good news for Spears is that she may make a hefty sum of cash from selling the hair on eBay. The bad news for Spears is that this is not the type of full time employment that Federline's Taco Bell offer could be. As a result, Spears is firmly in place at number two in the rankings.
Rankings for February 19, 2007
1. Kevin Federline (1) - In this poll, Federline assumes the number one ranking. In the recent past he has done very little that scratches the head in disbelief, and he even earns bonus points as he has not (apparently) done any concert performances in recent weeks. His cause was hurt potentially as he did aid Nationwide Mutual Insurance Company in the wasting of $2.6 million while appearing in Nationwide's Super Bowl advertisement, but these deleterious effects were mitigated by the fact that Federline was offered gainful employment by Taco Bell as a result. Kevin Federline's position at number one would be solidified if accepting, therefore establishing full time employment.
2. Britney Spears - Britney Spears takes the number two position in these two person rankings. It can only be surmised that Spears was not happy with all of the attention that a dead woman (Anna Nicole Smith) was receiving from the media, so she chose the perfect way to regain the spotlight for herself; she shaved her head. Oh, and did I mention that she also got two tattoos?! To her credit, exposing her bare head is perhaps preferable to some of the other skin exposures she had done lately. The question that is on way too many people's minds is why did she do this. I have the answer. Spears is following in the footsteps of such actresses as Demi Moore in G.I. Jane and Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta whose shaving of their heads was an essential part of the respective movie's plot line. Unfortunately for Spears, the cameras that were following her were not actual movie cameras, but paparazzi with nothing better to do with their time than stalk washed up pop stars. The bad news for Spears is that despite what she may have believed in her mind, she is not actually in a movie. The good news for Spears is that she may make a hefty sum of cash from selling the hair on eBay. The bad news for Spears is that this is not the type of full time employment that Federline's Taco Bell offer could be. As a result, Spears is firmly in place at number two in the rankings.
Friday, February 16, 2007
What Became of Mr. 2:46?
So I was driving home from work one day, and I happened to have the radio on and heard All-4-One’s version of I Swear from back in the mid 1990s. I had not heard the song in some time, but I can remember liking it for some reason all of those years back. But as I was driving, it occurred to me: maybe I should go check out the video for this song on YouTube. You see, growing up we did not have cable television in my household and thus I was never able to watch the MTV. And what I found in the video was truly disturbing. Here, take a look: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF-Y4vdVV1k
Okay, so I’m going to do an analysis of this video. Why? Well, because I have nothing better to do right now, and I wish that I had access to the MTV years ago so that I could have done this sort of thing when these videos were actually in circulation. Okay, so coincidentally enough there are four members of All-4-One. Who would have guessed? So I’m sure that they all have real names, but I’m too lazy to search for what those names are. Instead, I have decided to nickname them Mr. Singer #1 (or Singer #1 for short), Mr. Singer #2 (Singer #2), Mr. Glasses (Glasses), and Mr. 2:46 (2:46).
The video starts with the four on top of a building, kicking an empty box around like a soccer ball. Does this seem strange to you? Four grown men, on top of a building, and kicking an empty box around like a soccer ball… This seems a little strange to me. At some point, these four grown men seem to become inexplicably bored with kicking the empty box around on top of the building and so they run off. And so while Singer #1 and Glasses are discussing whatever, Singer #2 and Mr. 2:46 are perusing the streets from the top of the building. But what should happen as Singer #2 and Mr. 2:46 are peering over the side of the building? Well, lo and behold they see some girl walking across the street. Of course the pair is about twenty-five stories up from street level, but it does not matter, this girl has to be hot. So they call over Singer #1 and Glasses who have looks as well and then the next step becomes crystal clear: the four must go down to meet this girl. I mean four guys and one girl; those are outstanding odds for the guys.
So, they get down to street level, and somehow they are still able to find this girl after whatever length of time their trek must have taken them. And then something magical happens. Somehow as these four guys stalk this one girl, she does not run away to get help from the police, none of the four are maced, and none of them are pepper sprayed. Miracles do happen apparently.
Well obviously as all of this craziness is going on there is some actual singing that is being done. Singer #1 finishes his verse while the stalking is purely in the planning stage, while the foursome is still atop the building. But almost at the precise moment when they make contact with the girl Singer #2 begins his verse. Really this verse is a great vocal achievement as great vocal achievements go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It just really is inconceivable that whatever conversation that this girl had with these four guys lasted as long as this second verse. There’s no possible way this happened. What happened to the whole women’s intuition thing? She didn’t get the sense that these guys had just been on top of a building kicking around an empty box? I mean, this whole video is just so irritating, but I guess if you’re making the video you can have any number of implausible elements within that you desire.
But eventually during the video we come to my favorite moment, and that’s the two minute, forty-six second point of the video (or 2:46). This is my favorite moment in the video because this is the only point where it appears that Mr. 2:46 actually says anything in the song. Is this guy really just in the group because All-3-One really wouldn’t have made any sense? In reality, Glasses does not appear to do much singing during the song either, but there doesn’t seem to be an analogous point in the video for him where the intent seems to be just to show that he actually sings in the group.
However, in the very end this video wraps up nicely with perhaps the only thing that does make sense in its entirety. The girl gets on a bus and goes off somewhere, hopefully to a location where these guys won’t follow. Presumably they go back up to the top of the building to kick the box around some more when this is over. Well I’m pretty much done talking about this video. I’m going to go watch The Hills now.
Okay, so I’m going to do an analysis of this video. Why? Well, because I have nothing better to do right now, and I wish that I had access to the MTV years ago so that I could have done this sort of thing when these videos were actually in circulation. Okay, so coincidentally enough there are four members of All-4-One. Who would have guessed? So I’m sure that they all have real names, but I’m too lazy to search for what those names are. Instead, I have decided to nickname them Mr. Singer #1 (or Singer #1 for short), Mr. Singer #2 (Singer #2), Mr. Glasses (Glasses), and Mr. 2:46 (2:46).
The video starts with the four on top of a building, kicking an empty box around like a soccer ball. Does this seem strange to you? Four grown men, on top of a building, and kicking an empty box around like a soccer ball… This seems a little strange to me. At some point, these four grown men seem to become inexplicably bored with kicking the empty box around on top of the building and so they run off. And so while Singer #1 and Glasses are discussing whatever, Singer #2 and Mr. 2:46 are perusing the streets from the top of the building. But what should happen as Singer #2 and Mr. 2:46 are peering over the side of the building? Well, lo and behold they see some girl walking across the street. Of course the pair is about twenty-five stories up from street level, but it does not matter, this girl has to be hot. So they call over Singer #1 and Glasses who have looks as well and then the next step becomes crystal clear: the four must go down to meet this girl. I mean four guys and one girl; those are outstanding odds for the guys.
So, they get down to street level, and somehow they are still able to find this girl after whatever length of time their trek must have taken them. And then something magical happens. Somehow as these four guys stalk this one girl, she does not run away to get help from the police, none of the four are maced, and none of them are pepper sprayed. Miracles do happen apparently.
Well obviously as all of this craziness is going on there is some actual singing that is being done. Singer #1 finishes his verse while the stalking is purely in the planning stage, while the foursome is still atop the building. But almost at the precise moment when they make contact with the girl Singer #2 begins his verse. Really this verse is a great vocal achievement as great vocal achievements go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It just really is inconceivable that whatever conversation that this girl had with these four guys lasted as long as this second verse. There’s no possible way this happened. What happened to the whole women’s intuition thing? She didn’t get the sense that these guys had just been on top of a building kicking around an empty box? I mean, this whole video is just so irritating, but I guess if you’re making the video you can have any number of implausible elements within that you desire.
But eventually during the video we come to my favorite moment, and that’s the two minute, forty-six second point of the video (or 2:46). This is my favorite moment in the video because this is the only point where it appears that Mr. 2:46 actually says anything in the song. Is this guy really just in the group because All-3-One really wouldn’t have made any sense? In reality, Glasses does not appear to do much singing during the song either, but there doesn’t seem to be an analogous point in the video for him where the intent seems to be just to show that he actually sings in the group.
However, in the very end this video wraps up nicely with perhaps the only thing that does make sense in its entirety. The girl gets on a bus and goes off somewhere, hopefully to a location where these guys won’t follow. Presumably they go back up to the top of the building to kick the box around some more when this is over. Well I’m pretty much done talking about this video. I’m going to go watch The Hills now.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again
Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.
Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…
02-13-xxxx - I definitely had it all wrong back when I was in high school. The whole "boy scout" thing was a total waste of time. Rather than playing Mr. Niceguy, I should have been doing one simple thing: doing whatever it took to score the chicks. Case in point, I could have ruled the Peach Pit Diner back when I was growing up. I mean what did guys like Brandon and Dylan have on me back in those days, other than the fact that they looked like they were about ten years older than me while in high school, and that they were shorter with balance issues due to being staggered by the overabundance of hair products that they had to use. The only guy that I would have possibly had a problem with was Steve because he wasn't impish. Clearly I would have beaten him in a fight, but that would not have been necessary since he buttons his shirts all the way up to his neck.
So in essence, I would have had all the girls. I would have gone for them in this order: Brenda, Kelly, Andrea. I would not have touched Donna, she was hideous. But make no mistake about it, I definitely would have stolen Brenda from Brandon back then. He would have had no prayer against me. If only I could go back and rule the Peach Pit Diner...
Wait a minute, if I fly just fast enough, maybe I can... Where did I put those red briefs? - CK
Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…
02-13-xxxx - I definitely had it all wrong back when I was in high school. The whole "boy scout" thing was a total waste of time. Rather than playing Mr. Niceguy, I should have been doing one simple thing: doing whatever it took to score the chicks. Case in point, I could have ruled the Peach Pit Diner back when I was growing up. I mean what did guys like Brandon and Dylan have on me back in those days, other than the fact that they looked like they were about ten years older than me while in high school, and that they were shorter with balance issues due to being staggered by the overabundance of hair products that they had to use. The only guy that I would have possibly had a problem with was Steve because he wasn't impish. Clearly I would have beaten him in a fight, but that would not have been necessary since he buttons his shirts all the way up to his neck.
So in essence, I would have had all the girls. I would have gone for them in this order: Brenda, Kelly, Andrea. I would not have touched Donna, she was hideous. But make no mistake about it, I definitely would have stolen Brenda from Brandon back then. He would have had no prayer against me. If only I could go back and rule the Peach Pit Diner...
Wait a minute, if I fly just fast enough, maybe I can... Where did I put those red briefs? - CK
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Farewell Anna Nicole
Yesterday was a rough day. I ended up spending just about the entire day in bed. I never believed that it would be so gut-wrenching, but the death of Anna Nicole Smith has hit me harder than I believed it would. And this is because I just realized that I could be the father of her baby. I mean, evidently any guy could be the father...
UPDATE: I just checked a photo of the baby and apparently the baby is not black and thus can't be mine. Damn you Prinz von Anhalt! And yes, this is a perfect illustration of just how screwed up this country is. It is absurd how much media attention this stupid story is getting. But what would people like Rita Cosby do if the stupid media did not pay attention to these stories?
UPDATE #2: It has been brought to my attention that apparently the baby seen in photographs may be one that was part of some switch and I might still in fact be the father of Anna Nicole's baby. The most likely culprits are probably the dastardly Frederick Prinz von Anhalt (I knew I was dealing with an uncommonly wily foe when I saw him give his press conferences on Friday...) or Rita Cosby. But stay tuned America, I'm sure the media will be all over these startling new developments in this overwhelmingly important story.
UPDATE: I just checked a photo of the baby and apparently the baby is not black and thus can't be mine. Damn you Prinz von Anhalt! And yes, this is a perfect illustration of just how screwed up this country is. It is absurd how much media attention this stupid story is getting. But what would people like Rita Cosby do if the stupid media did not pay attention to these stories?
UPDATE #2: It has been brought to my attention that apparently the baby seen in photographs may be one that was part of some switch and I might still in fact be the father of Anna Nicole's baby. The most likely culprits are probably the dastardly Frederick Prinz von Anhalt (I knew I was dealing with an uncommonly wily foe when I saw him give his press conferences on Friday...) or Rita Cosby. But stay tuned America, I'm sure the media will be all over these startling new developments in this overwhelmingly important story.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
The British are Coming
Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything in a while, and in truth this is rather late considering when the incident took place, but is it possible to label the people running the city of Boston as idiots? To be honest, I'm personally enjoying this very much. The fact that Boston has essentially become a laughingstock makes up for the years that I had to endure the constant love fest that was displayed toward their sports teams. I thought that they were incredibly foolish for hosting a rally in Ray Bourque's honor after he won the Stanley Cup with another team (this is after he requested a trade from Boston because their team basically sucked). I mean fools, would you have still had a rally for the guy if his new team beat Boston in the Stanley Cup Finals? But this shutting down of the city as a result of discovering these Aqua Teen Hunger Force "bomb" devices makes Boston city officials look like complete idiots. I think that it is completely fair to characterize them as such as in no other city in which the devices were placed did anyone remotely panic to this degree. And I really am of the opinion that the Turner Broadcasting System should have battled this through court, if for no other reason, so that we could enjoy the comical arguments made by the Boston authorities.
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