The Fabio Conundrum

Fabio is one of the biggest mysteries in the world to me. I understand how he gained fame many years ago with the whole male model thing, but his continued fame mystifies me. Here is a man who is most noteworthy for appearing on the covers of countless romance novels during the 1980s and 1990s. Outside of this, what has he really done to garner so much of a fan following? Okay, I can understand the appeal that he had during the '80s and '90s when he still appeared on the cover of the novels, but I just don't understand it now. Truly, how does one explain a photo like the one seen in this article?

I'll get to the substance of the article momentarily, but I wish to discuss the picture itself first. In the photo Fabio stands with Kristen Bell and Hayden Panettiere, both of the show Heroes (and one of my favorite shows, by the way). And surprisingly to me, neither actress seems too creeped out that Fabio has a hand and arm on her. (Panettiere seems positively delighted in fact.) Call me crazy, but I would imagine that I would be a little creeped out if I was a girl and some dude who is known for appearing on the cover of romance novels and is old enough to be my father grasped me. Yes, I know it was just for a photo, but still... (Hayden, please, relax there for a moment...) At this point I would guess that Bell and Panettiere are each considerably more bankable stars than Fabio. I cannot imagine that either of them has read any of the novels, the covers on which Fabio has appeared. And I really cannot imagine that one of these actresses (okay, again, looking at the look of pure joy on Panettiere's face maybe I can imagine this out of her) would go up to Fabio and say, "I simply loved you in that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercial." This is what I call the Fabio Conundrum.

I think the argument can be made that Fabio has become a living parody of himself, if such a thing is possible. Consider for a moment this Nationwide commercial. Now I definitely laughed at the commercial the first time I saw it, and I still get a bit of a chuckle out of it, but am I laughing because the commercial is really that funny, or am I laughing because Fabio seems to be a veritable joke? I contend that I find the commercial funny because Fabio is such a joke. The only reason that this commercial is remotely funny is because of the romance novel cover model persona that has been created of Fabio. Fabio is making fun of this image of himself, and in so doing, has become a living parody of himself. I defy you to find an occasion in which you see Fabio and you derive entertainment out of him other than because he is a joke, a parody of himself.

But let us finally come back to the substance of the article. Let us believe for the moment that everything transpired just as the article claims Fabio says it did. First, try to imagine Fabio telling George Clooney, or anyone for that matter, "stop being a diva." I mean, mentally picture this happening. If you are like me, you are already laughing hysterically. In your mental picture, does he use just one hand or does he use both hands to clear the hair from his face as he is saying this? And does he have five or does he have just four of the buttons of his shirt unbuttoned? And if you are George Clooney and you are drunk or otherwise, and Fabio tells you to stop being a diva, how do you possibly react? Do you get scared and run out of the restaurant? Somehow I really don't see things playing out exactly like Fabio described. I can see Clooney laughing uncontrollably and stumbling out of the restaurant, but running scared?

Let's not forget that in the second season of the show Average Joe, the winner dumped a fairly hot girl because she revealed to him that she had once dated Fabio. This is the winner of some stupid reality show who is refusing to date a hot girl for no other reason than she once dated Fabio! If this does not put Fabio in perspective, I don't know what does... And that girl that was dumped because she dated Fabio, Larissa Meek, is only two years older than Kristen Bell. Kristen, maybe you should be a little creeped out...you too, Hayden.

The Fabio Conundrum...

Father of Anna Nicole's Baby

I may not make it into work tomorrow. And why might that be? Well, I think that it is high time that I venture off to Florida so that it can be established once and for all, with DNA testing, whether I'm in fact the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I've already mentioned that it is a long shot (to my knowledge I never did actually meet Ms. Smith), but I figure, you know, what the heck. Let's just see what happens. My fallback hope is that through DNA testing it is ascertained that I am in fact the son of Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, in which case, according to the rules of royal succession and inheritance that I am about to make up, I am entitled to some big time cash inheritance that would be tax free. I would also receive a dukedom.

However, in the meantime, I think that it is now time that I reveal what really happened in this strange story of the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby. And yes friends, this is BREAKING NEWS. This is what I believe most likely happened: Anna Nicole Smith likely died of something other than foul play, but there was likely a plot on her life. What seems very plausible to me (just as plausible as everything else surrounding the strange story of the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby) to me is that astronaut Lisa Nowak (or Lady Depends as some have nicknamed her) did not drive to Florida to kidnap and murder her rival for the love of another astronaut, but rather she may have intended to kidnap Anna Nicole Smith and/or Anna Nicole's baby. After all, Nowak did plead not guilty to the charges against her, and the notion that a forty-three year old woman would drive 900 miles straight in adult diapers so as not to have to stop to go to the bathroom along the way seems so beyond the threshold of pure lunacy that it would be difficult for any rational person to believe, and thus if hints were dropped that this were the case (e.g., actually wearing adult diapers and driving 900 miles without going to the bathroom) it would completely obscure what one's actual intention were: the kidnapping of Anna Nicole Smith and/or Anna Nicole's baby. Of course Nowak was caught before this plan could be fully realized, but as fate would have it, Anna Nicole Smith did die.

The obvious question that those of you are still with me must have is what was Nowak's motive? It's really quite elementary, dear reader, the motive was that Nowak discovered that Kevin Federline might in fact be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby and this was very disturbing to her associates. Your next question must be, how did Nowak know that Federline might be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby? Well, to answer this question, we must go back in time a bit. It is fairly well known that among Federline's great achievements, he used to be a backup dancer for the boy band *NSYNC. Well, obviously Federline was acquainted with *NSYNC member Lance Bass (that is of course if real band members allow backup dancers to talk with them or even ride in the same tour buses or stay in the same hotels). Now, it is perhaps less commonly remembered that Bass had an ill-fated attempt at becoming an astronaut of sorts and venturing into space as a tourist. Evidently, he did not have the right stuff (yes, I know this is actually a New Kids on the Block reference, but work with me here). Well, I'm assuming that during astronaut training for Lance Bass, he had to have come into contact with Lisa Nowak. (I mean there can't be that many astronauts out there really.) And so at some point while Bass and Nowak were having an astronaut talk, Bass revealed that he had heard that this guy that he kind of sort did not ignore on occasion, Federline, who was always rapping to himself in the corner and hitting on the girls from the groups on tour with *NSYNC was supposedly having an affair with Anna Nicole Smith. This information registered with Nowak, but she largely forgot about it for years.

Well, in the fall of last year, mere weeks after the birth of Anna Nicole's baby, I believe that Nowak was present at a crazy persons convention - not because she is crazy, but you know, she just had some free time. Well, I believe that Frederic Prinz von Anhalt was also present at this crazy persons convention - not because he is crazy, but you know, he just had some free time. His princely responsibilities are kind of limited these days. So, Prinz von Anhalt happened to tell Nowak of this plot he had to claim himself to be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby so that he could then claim the inheritance from J. Howard Marshall, and use that money for legal fees in his lawsuit against Viagra and Pfizer for having made him impotent (or at least that is his plot - nothing could make a manly man like Prinz von Anhalt impotent). And once Prinz von Anhalt won his lawsuit, he would obtain the kind of wealth that is fit for a Prinz. But it was at this point that Nowak remembered that Federline might in fact be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby, and she related the story that Bass had told her. So Prinz von Anhalt and Nowak hatched a plot whereby Nowak would venture to Florida (in possession of several strands of von Anhalt's hair as well swabs from his gums), kidnap Anna Nicole Smith temporarily, but then shave Anna Nicole's baby's head, Krazy Glue von Anhalt's hair to the baby's head, and then find some way to attach von Anhalt's gum tissue samples to the gums of Anna Nicole's baby. In exchange for doing this, Nowak would receive a hefty sum of the settlement money from the Viagra/Pfizer case, some of which she would donate to Lance Bass so that he could realize his dream of becoming an astronaut. But as Robert Burns once wrote, "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft agley." Sorry Lance...

And that is the story as I believe it likely occurred.

Farewell Anna Nicole

Yesterday was a rough day. I ended up spending just about the entire day in bed. I never believed that it would be so gut-wrenching, but the death of Anna Nicole Smith has hit me harder than I believed it would. And this is because I just realized that I could be the father of her baby. I mean, evidently any guy could be the father...

UPDATE: I just checked a photo of the baby and apparently the baby is not black and thus can't be mine. Damn you Prinz von Anhalt! And yes, this is a perfect illustration of just how screwed up this country is. It is absurd how much media attention this stupid story is getting. But what would people like Rita Cosby do if the stupid media did not pay attention to these stories?

UPDATE #2: It has been brought to my attention that apparently the baby seen in photographs may be one that was part of some switch and I might still in fact be the father of Anna Nicole's baby. The most likely culprits are probably the dastardly Frederick Prinz von Anhalt (I knew I was dealing with an uncommonly wily foe when I saw him give his press conferences on Friday...) or Rita Cosby. But stay tuned America, I'm sure the media will be all over these startling new developments in this overwhelmingly important story.

People Whose Careers Are Over

Apparently, I've read today, Jennifer Lopez is defending Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (or TomKat as we true fans love to call them...it) for the whole Scientology thing. It seems that J-Lo's father is a member of this super duper religion. Clearly J-Lo is unaware that there are like three things that will invariably lead to the collapse of one's career. These things are: voicing support for/converting to Scientology, marrying Kevin Federline, and (the very much improbable) divorcing Kevin Federline. I'm sure J-Lo's "people" (publicists, agents, etc.) would be horrified that she made such a public announcement if J-Lo were ever in the news these days...