Olympic Report - August 12, 2008

I must thank my dear sister for alerting me to the story of the little Chinese girl lip-synching at the opening ceremony for the Olympics. Do you know what this is folks? It is cheating, and that is about all I'll have to say on this subject. (And you mean to tell me that out of a billion plus people China could not find a cute little girl with a good singing voice?)

Oh but wait, because I suddenly have more to say. As I perused the medal tables earlier this morning or afternoon, a realization came to me that was utterly disturbing. While the great US of A was ahead in the medal count, as we should be (twenty-one total medals versus China's twenty medals), we did trail the host country in terms of number of gold medals. (I believe at that time China led thirteen golds to the US's six or seven.) Now sure, China does have probably four times our population, but still no nation should have more gold medals than the USA. I could only come to the conclusion that there was more cheating going on on the part of China.

But as you might imagine, I was just a tad bit lazy to do the necessary research to see in what events China had cheated to win all of these gold medals. So instead, I have come up with a creative solution to ensure that the US returns to its rightful place as the country with the most gold medals.

My remedy to this problem is quite simple; there just are not enough swimming events in the Olympics yet. I know that Michael Phelps has won every event that he has entered so far in the Olympics, but can we say with a certainty that Phelps would win the 200 meter freestyle-butterfly individual medley if the event were contested? Or for that matter, can we say with a certainty whether Phelps would win - and wait for it - the 400 meter freestyle-butterfly individual medley relay? I say we try it out just in case so that the greatest Olympic athlete of all time can have a chance to win a few more medals. (And you probably noticed that I left out the 250 meter freestyle-butterfly medley relay - well let's not get silly. This would require Phelps to change strokes in the middle of a lap, and while Ihave no doubt that the great Phelps could do this, I'm just not confident that any other swimmers could do so. This just would not be a fair competition and so I will leave it out.)

And why in heavens did they ever limit the number of stroke disciplines to just four?! You're telling me that we couldn't get a little sidestroke action into the swimming program? And no elementary backstroke? Come on! We are so getting cheated in these Olympics!

The Cabral Book Club: The Mitchell Report

Aaaaaaaaaaand finished! I just got done reading the Mitchell Report, and what is my take on it? It is 409 pages of outstandingness! And my favorite part about the Mitchell Report? Oh, I would say it has to be the part about trainer Brian McNamee injecting Roger Clemens in the buttocks with steroids. Just when I thought my favorite Roger Clemens story of all time was when he had to miss some time pitching last season because of a "fatigued right groin," the Mitchell Report about him being injected in the buttocks with steroids comes along.

Now did Roger Clemens actually use steroids? Few people know for certain. I, for one, believe that he did and am enjoying the roasting that he is taking right now. I think he is every bit as big a jerk as people have always said that Barry Bonds is, and it is high quality entertainment watching Clemens prove this with his current actions. I know that Clemens had his little press conference where he proclaimed his innocence, he also had his interview with Mike Wallace where he did the same, but did these two instances seem remotely believable? If you are a Yankees fan, yes. If you are some misguided, delusional, Clemens devotee, yes. Otherwise, probably not.

But of course, I'm a little biased. I'm a Mets fan after all and I still remember Clemens beaning Mike Piazza in the head with a fastball in 2000 and then throwing Piazza's broken off bat in Piazza's general direction during the World Series that year. That couldn't have been roid rage, could it? Nah, because Clemens thought it was the ball... And what does a pitcher do with a ball that has grounded back to him? Well, he throws it in the general direction of the batter that has just hit it, silly! For those who said that he throws it to first base, that's just crazy talk. And yes, I'm still a little pissed about this. But I'm thrilled about the Mitchell Report findings!

However, I do like to allow others the chance for rebuttal, so please listen to Carl.

Note: I did not actually read any of the Mitchell Report.