Okay so I'm super thrilled about the coming release (July 7th, to be precise) of the movie The Unborn on DVD and Blu-ray! I had so, so, so wanted to see...
You know what, damn it. I cannot even really pretend with this one. The movie looked awful when they were promoting it back in January, and it similarly looks awful now as for the last few days and weeks I've seen seemingly endless numbers of promotions about this wretched film's imminent release. The only thing that this film has going for it is that it has some really hot girl as the lead actress and that was evidently good enough to sucker fools around the world into spending nearly $76 million to waste at least eight-seven minutes of their lives. (You see, I did my wikipedia research.)
But why am I even bringing this up now? Well, it occurred to me the other day that the movie depictions that they have made make absolutely no sense. The Unborn is supposed to be this girl's unborn twin, right? So why in heavens is this girl in her late teens to early twenties and her unborn twin some kid that is no more than about ten years old? I mean seriously, if you wanted this film to be in anyway plausible and to have a chance at garnering the coveted Cabral Williams Seal of Approval, then you had one of two choices: either have the girl haunted by some sort of fetus looking thing or have her haunted by some dude roughly her same age.
Okay, so I guess using a fetus looking thing probably would have carried too much of a gross factor with it, but come on, having this girl haunted by a fetus would have been awesome! Okay, no it would not have been awesome; it would have been stupid. But the movie as it was made was stupid anyway. The only other plausible choice was to use an actor to play the unborn twin who is around the same age as this girl. Obviously there are quite a number of dudes out there that could have filled that frightening/creepy role. Heck, it did not take me very long to find one!
Showing posts with label Entertainment?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Entertainment?. Show all posts
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
American Idol Season Recap
I just realized that as a result of my lack of postings over the last several months I have neglected to provide commentary on the most recent season of American Idol that you all so dearly crave that concluded on May 20th. My apologies.
Well, here goes... It was yet another season of talentless hack singers performing in a boring, glorified karaoke competition that no one in their right mind could possibly enjoy. I did not watch any of it, but I'm completely convinced that the entire season completely sucked. The End.
Well, here goes... It was yet another season of talentless hack singers performing in a boring, glorified karaoke competition that no one in their right mind could possibly enjoy. I did not watch any of it, but I'm completely convinced that the entire season completely sucked. The End.
Dancing with the Stars Season Recap
I just realized that as a result of my lack of postings over the last several months I have neglected to provide commentary on the most recent season of Dancing with the Stars that you all so dearly crave that concluded on May 19th. My apologies.
Well, here goes... It was yet another season of D-list pseudo-celebrities performing in a boring competition that no one in their right mind could possibly enjoy. I did not watch any of it, but I'm completely convinced that the entire season completely sucked. The End.
Well, here goes... It was yet another season of D-list pseudo-celebrities performing in a boring competition that no one in their right mind could possibly enjoy. I did not watch any of it, but I'm completely convinced that the entire season completely sucked. The End.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Where is Channel 175?!
Okay, I'm back!
And what could possibly convince me to come back after a long hiatus? (I am of course excluding my brief return yesterday to write an uncharacteristically short post.) Well, we already established in an earlier post that it cannot possibly be because I have become any less lazy over the course of time. And just to prove this point, I am way too lazy to even go back to that previous post in which I mentioned that I had unequivocally not given up being lazy.
Well, to end the suspense, what has brought me back is rage. Yes, rage. You see, the other night, as in last night, I had used the remote control to turn on the television device sitting in my living room. And as I quite often do, I was using the remote control to navigate through the different channels, most of which of suck, to see whether there was anything worth watching currently airing.
And as usual, just about everything that was on television sucked, just as one might expect of generally sucky channels. And so I was left with my standby channel, one that rarely disappoints in situations such as this: The Boomerang Network.
For those who are unaware, the Boomerang Network is Cartoon Network's sister station that broadcasts cartoons from a bygone era when the creators of the programs cared about such quaint things as interesting plots, animation, good drawing, and humor. Now granted, not every one of the shows that the network chose to air possessed all of these qualities, but most of these shows certainly seem as if the creators (a) actually took more than twenty minutes to complete individual episodes of the show and (b) believed the children watching the show were more competent and attentive than trained monkeys.
But alas, I was thwarted. And why was I thwarted? Well, because in their infinite lack of wisdom, whoever it is that decides what channels I get in my cable subscription has decided to remove Channel 175 from my list. That (those) bastard(s)! I will have my revenge! I have not completely formulated the revenge plan as of yet, but rest assured, it is being formulated. I'll have more later (unless they wise up and bring back Channel 175).
The rage is back!
And what could possibly convince me to come back after a long hiatus? (I am of course excluding my brief return yesterday to write an uncharacteristically short post.) Well, we already established in an earlier post that it cannot possibly be because I have become any less lazy over the course of time. And just to prove this point, I am way too lazy to even go back to that previous post in which I mentioned that I had unequivocally not given up being lazy.
Well, to end the suspense, what has brought me back is rage. Yes, rage. You see, the other night, as in last night, I had used the remote control to turn on the television device sitting in my living room. And as I quite often do, I was using the remote control to navigate through the different channels, most of which of suck, to see whether there was anything worth watching currently airing.
And as usual, just about everything that was on television sucked, just as one might expect of generally sucky channels. And so I was left with my standby channel, one that rarely disappoints in situations such as this: The Boomerang Network.
For those who are unaware, the Boomerang Network is Cartoon Network's sister station that broadcasts cartoons from a bygone era when the creators of the programs cared about such quaint things as interesting plots, animation, good drawing, and humor. Now granted, not every one of the shows that the network chose to air possessed all of these qualities, but most of these shows certainly seem as if the creators (a) actually took more than twenty minutes to complete individual episodes of the show and (b) believed the children watching the show were more competent and attentive than trained monkeys.
But alas, I was thwarted. And why was I thwarted? Well, because in their infinite lack of wisdom, whoever it is that decides what channels I get in my cable subscription has decided to remove Channel 175 from my list. That (those) bastard(s)! I will have my revenge! I have not completely formulated the revenge plan as of yet, but rest assured, it is being formulated. I'll have more later (unless they wise up and bring back Channel 175).
The rage is back!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Welcome Back 1980s!
I am quite thrilled, just as I suspect anyone else reading this certainly is, to welcome back the 1980s! For quite some time I've desired to be transported back to my favorite decade when we were introduced to the highest quality of television and the highest quality of musical performers. But being ostensibly a scientist, I'm well aware that the technology needed to accomplish time travel into the past is probably a good 10 billion years away from being perfected (sigh...). Well joy of joys, it seems as if the late 1980s has been transported to me! (And I guess to all of you too...)
I first came to suspect that something was up when during the fall of last year, old episodes of American Gladiators started popping up on ESPN Classic. I remember when American Gladiators began those long years ago and I remember thinking the show was really cool. But there must have been something that happened along the way that caused me to stop watching the show because after all, the original run of the show lasted until 1996. Let's see, what could have possibly caused me to stop watching that show...
Oh, I remember! I grew beyond the age of twelve or thirteen. I mean seriously, there are reasons that shows like American Gladiators go off the air. Or maybe there is just one reason; people come to their senses and realize that the show is stupid. When the XFL folded, it folded because, you guessed it, people realized that it was stupid. When American Idol and Dancing with the Stars fold, they will fold because, you guessed it, people will have come to their senses (finally) and finally realized that these shows are stupid. No but wait, there's more.
Have you ever wondered what ever became of the New Kids on the Block? No? Well you're not alone. I just can't figure this out; really, who thought it was a good idea for these guys to make a comeback? Who really wants to see some more of the New Kids Hangin' Tough? Let's do a quick analysis. Back in the late 80s, I can remember that the New Kids on the Block were popular with a certain segment of the population. And that segment would be the pre-teen to early teenage girls who were completely insane. Well, fast-forward about twenty years and I just wonder to myself what could possibly draw these girls (now in their late twenties to early thirties) to a bunch of guys who are probably in their late thirties to early forties and are calling themselves the New Kids on the Block. They are almost forty years old!!! There was presumably a reason why their act died away a decade and a half ago; everyone (and by everyone I mean teenaged girls) realized that these guys were lame. Nothing has changed in the last fifteen years. These guys are still lame. So really, why would you want to waste your money, and more importantly, your time going to see these washed, boy-band jokers struggle their way through twenty year old songs? That's time that you will never, ever get back.
And finally we have one last example. Now in truth, this particular show did premiere in 1990, but I figured that 1990 was close enough to not really change the premise of my argument. What show am I talking about? Well, Beverly Hills, 90210, of course! So I got wind of the fact that a stupid spinoff of this show (titled 90210, creatively enough) was planned as I had the msn.com site open a couple of weeks back. I happened to see that for some reason Lori Loughlin was listed in their popular searches. I thought to myself, Lori Loughlin!? They're not planning to bring back Full House, are they? Because that was truly a horrible show, and besides, John Stamos and his hair are currently tied up ruining ER. Admittedly, though, when I decided to click on the search for Lori Loughlin and I saw that the information indicated that she was going to be on a new 90210 show, my immediate impulse led me to believe that this was going to be a spinoff from Melrose Place. My thought was that with Loughlin in her mid forties, there is no way she was going to star in a show that in its genesis, centered around high school students (although Ian Ziering was indeed thirty something at some point while he was playing a high school student I believe, and maybe forty something as well). But sure enough, it is a spinoff/sequel to the original Beverly Hills, 90210! And apparently, they've brought some of the old crew back, with Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling reportedly reprising their roles! Yaaaaaay! Wait a minute; who exactly was it who thought that it would be a good idea to bring this show back?
Welcome back 1980s (and early 1990s)!
I first came to suspect that something was up when during the fall of last year, old episodes of American Gladiators started popping up on ESPN Classic. I remember when American Gladiators began those long years ago and I remember thinking the show was really cool. But there must have been something that happened along the way that caused me to stop watching the show because after all, the original run of the show lasted until 1996. Let's see, what could have possibly caused me to stop watching that show...
Oh, I remember! I grew beyond the age of twelve or thirteen. I mean seriously, there are reasons that shows like American Gladiators go off the air. Or maybe there is just one reason; people come to their senses and realize that the show is stupid. When the XFL folded, it folded because, you guessed it, people realized that it was stupid. When American Idol and Dancing with the Stars fold, they will fold because, you guessed it, people will have come to their senses (finally) and finally realized that these shows are stupid. No but wait, there's more.
Have you ever wondered what ever became of the New Kids on the Block? No? Well you're not alone. I just can't figure this out; really, who thought it was a good idea for these guys to make a comeback? Who really wants to see some more of the New Kids Hangin' Tough? Let's do a quick analysis. Back in the late 80s, I can remember that the New Kids on the Block were popular with a certain segment of the population. And that segment would be the pre-teen to early teenage girls who were completely insane. Well, fast-forward about twenty years and I just wonder to myself what could possibly draw these girls (now in their late twenties to early thirties) to a bunch of guys who are probably in their late thirties to early forties and are calling themselves the New Kids on the Block. They are almost forty years old!!! There was presumably a reason why their act died away a decade and a half ago; everyone (and by everyone I mean teenaged girls) realized that these guys were lame. Nothing has changed in the last fifteen years. These guys are still lame. So really, why would you want to waste your money, and more importantly, your time going to see these washed, boy-band jokers struggle their way through twenty year old songs? That's time that you will never, ever get back.
And finally we have one last example. Now in truth, this particular show did premiere in 1990, but I figured that 1990 was close enough to not really change the premise of my argument. What show am I talking about? Well, Beverly Hills, 90210, of course! So I got wind of the fact that a stupid spinoff of this show (titled 90210, creatively enough) was planned as I had the msn.com site open a couple of weeks back. I happened to see that for some reason Lori Loughlin was listed in their popular searches. I thought to myself, Lori Loughlin!? They're not planning to bring back Full House, are they? Because that was truly a horrible show, and besides, John Stamos and his hair are currently tied up ruining ER. Admittedly, though, when I decided to click on the search for Lori Loughlin and I saw that the information indicated that she was going to be on a new 90210 show, my immediate impulse led me to believe that this was going to be a spinoff from Melrose Place. My thought was that with Loughlin in her mid forties, there is no way she was going to star in a show that in its genesis, centered around high school students (although Ian Ziering was indeed thirty something at some point while he was playing a high school student I believe, and maybe forty something as well). But sure enough, it is a spinoff/sequel to the original Beverly Hills, 90210! And apparently, they've brought some of the old crew back, with Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling reportedly reprising their roles! Yaaaaaay! Wait a minute; who exactly was it who thought that it would be a good idea to bring this show back?
Welcome back 1980s (and early 1990s)!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The Answer is Yes
There's a new phenomenon sweeping the country (and by the country I mean the United States). And this phenomenon is the Fox network's new show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? I would say bonus points go to those of you reading this who already know that there is not a chance that I have actually watched this program to date (and it is highly likely that I will never watch this program), but I probably should be a bit more stingy with the bonus points that I am handing out. But as many people are well aware, the fact that I have not actually watched this program does not in any way preclude me from making comments about its merits.
The first brief statement that I will make is yes, I am smarter than a fifth grader. I know that this was a long time ago, but I do remember being smarter than several fifth graders way back when I was in the fifth grade. (I do not like to brag, but as the smartest kid in my class, I was smarter than all of the other fifth graders.) To take this a step further, I was smarter than a fifth grader when I was in the fourth grade, and finally when I was in the third grade, my older brother was in the fifth grade and goodness knows that I was smarter than many of his classmates. So at this point, for at least twenty years I have been able to answer in the affirmative as to the question of whether or not I am smarter than a fifth grader. So obviously with this in mind I would have to automatically be declared the winner once I start playing the game, right? The show and game is called Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and the answer is yes, so I win. That's good work by me, but moving on, I find some things troubling.
The first thing that is troubling is that Jeff Foxworthy is the host. I would suggest as evidence for why he should not host any sort of show exhibit (a) The Jeff Foxworthy Show, (b) any of his CDs, and (c) any of his "comedy" routines. It's about as bad as getting Bob Saget to host 1 vs 100, only replace The Jeff Foxworthy Show with Full House, and drop the part about CDs since as far as I know Bob Saget has not released any CDs. The second thing that is troubling is why they chose to use fifth graders in the first place. Was it that they could not find some supposedly all-knowing fourth grade wunderkind to use on the show? And to some degree related to the last troubling part, what happens to Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? next year? I'm sure the kids will want to reprise their roles on the show in the next season. But guess what; the kids won't be fifth graders anymore. Will these evil show producers force these kids to fail in their current grade just to keep their jobs? Well, it is Fox so you never know.
That's just horrible.
The first brief statement that I will make is yes, I am smarter than a fifth grader. I know that this was a long time ago, but I do remember being smarter than several fifth graders way back when I was in the fifth grade. (I do not like to brag, but as the smartest kid in my class, I was smarter than all of the other fifth graders.) To take this a step further, I was smarter than a fifth grader when I was in the fourth grade, and finally when I was in the third grade, my older brother was in the fifth grade and goodness knows that I was smarter than many of his classmates. So at this point, for at least twenty years I have been able to answer in the affirmative as to the question of whether or not I am smarter than a fifth grader. So obviously with this in mind I would have to automatically be declared the winner once I start playing the game, right? The show and game is called Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and the answer is yes, so I win. That's good work by me, but moving on, I find some things troubling.
The first thing that is troubling is that Jeff Foxworthy is the host. I would suggest as evidence for why he should not host any sort of show exhibit (a) The Jeff Foxworthy Show, (b) any of his CDs, and (c) any of his "comedy" routines. It's about as bad as getting Bob Saget to host 1 vs 100, only replace The Jeff Foxworthy Show with Full House, and drop the part about CDs since as far as I know Bob Saget has not released any CDs. The second thing that is troubling is why they chose to use fifth graders in the first place. Was it that they could not find some supposedly all-knowing fourth grade wunderkind to use on the show? And to some degree related to the last troubling part, what happens to Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? next year? I'm sure the kids will want to reprise their roles on the show in the next season. But guess what; the kids won't be fifth graders anymore. Will these evil show producers force these kids to fail in their current grade just to keep their jobs? Well, it is Fox so you never know.
That's just horrible.
Monday, March 19, 2007
It's Once Again Time to Dance with the Stars!
The big news in entertainment for today is that tonight is the premiere of the fourth season of Dancing with the Stars. Anyone who knows me knows that I will not be watching this show. The reasons are varied, of course, but ultimately you can narrow it down to the fact that I hate reality shows. I refuse to watch Survivor, American Idol, or any of these other shows. There have been exceptions over the years - most notably when I watched just about the entire season of Joe Millionaire, you know, just to see how much of an idiot the star was. However, that's been just about it.
One of my major objections to DwtS is that it is false advertising. Other than on the show DwtS, where would these people be considered stars? To me, it is very much similar to when that show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here! came along a few years back and I was barely able to identify any of the "celebrities," let alone identify anything any of them had done in at least the previous five years. People whom most would label as stars are usually busy with work and thus would not appear on one of these programs. But, and I know I'm not the first to discuss this, the presence of Heather Mills on this coming season is bewildering.
First of all, you need go no further than reading the Wikipedia description of Heather Mills on the DwtS Wikipedia page: former model and ex-wife of Paul McCartney. Those are her credentials as a "star?" Wow! Can I get on the show because I'm a former athlete and I met Dick Vitale once? However, as we all know, it is now her standing over her star legitimacy that makes her intriguing. It's the fact that she has a prosthetic leg that makes her intriguing. Now I do think that it would be quite insensitive for one to watch this program just to see whether her leg will stay attached (of course I will not be watching this program at all), but the promotional commercial that ABC has aired in which Mills states that her biggest concern is whether the leg will stay attached gives cover to those who were feeling a bit ashamed about watching for this reason and were wavering. ABC is essentially saying, "Oh come on, watch DwtS! Oh you're a little bit concerned about watching just to see if Heather Mills's leg comes off? Well look, she has no problem with it! Go ahead and watch it!" That's classy.
Well, at the very least, I do hope they play nothing but Beatles music when she dances...
One of my major objections to DwtS is that it is false advertising. Other than on the show DwtS, where would these people be considered stars? To me, it is very much similar to when that show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here! came along a few years back and I was barely able to identify any of the "celebrities," let alone identify anything any of them had done in at least the previous five years. People whom most would label as stars are usually busy with work and thus would not appear on one of these programs. But, and I know I'm not the first to discuss this, the presence of Heather Mills on this coming season is bewildering.
First of all, you need go no further than reading the Wikipedia description of Heather Mills on the DwtS Wikipedia page: former model and ex-wife of Paul McCartney. Those are her credentials as a "star?" Wow! Can I get on the show because I'm a former athlete and I met Dick Vitale once? However, as we all know, it is now her standing over her star legitimacy that makes her intriguing. It's the fact that she has a prosthetic leg that makes her intriguing. Now I do think that it would be quite insensitive for one to watch this program just to see whether her leg will stay attached (of course I will not be watching this program at all), but the promotional commercial that ABC has aired in which Mills states that her biggest concern is whether the leg will stay attached gives cover to those who were feeling a bit ashamed about watching for this reason and were wavering. ABC is essentially saying, "Oh come on, watch DwtS! Oh you're a little bit concerned about watching just to see if Heather Mills's leg comes off? Well look, she has no problem with it! Go ahead and watch it!" That's classy.
Well, at the very least, I do hope they play nothing but Beatles music when she dances...
Friday, March 2, 2007
Wild Hogs - Yeah!
Wow! It has indeed been some time since I posted anything. Why is that (you most certainly must be asking)? Well, it's quite simple; I have been preparing myself for this very big day - today - March 2, 2007. And why is this a big day? Well, it's a big day because today is the nationwide release of the movie Wild Hogs. And I could not be any more excited about this.
When I heard some weeks ago that Wild Hogs was going to be released in some areas for a sneak peek on February 24, I did what any other sensible person who has been anxiously awaiting the release of a movie would do. First, I went to the closest movie theatre to my home on the 24th, checked to see whether they were showing Wild Hogs, when I found out that they were not, I started berating the teenager who informed me that I was out of luck, I poured the bottle of Gatorade that I had snuck into the theatre on the teen's head (everyone deserves to have a Gatorade shower at least once in his/her life), and I poured the bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup that I had snuck into the theatre all over the floor. I was then forcibly removed from the theatre. Secondly, I went to the next closest movie theatre to my home, checked to see whether they were showing Wild Hogs, when I found out that they were not, I started berating the teenager who informed me that I was out of luck, I poured the bottle of Gatorade that I had snuck into the theatre on the teen's head, and I poured the bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup that I had snuck into the theatre all over the floor. I was then forcibly removed from the theatre. Well, this pattern continued until I finally accepted the fact that I was going to have to wait an extra week to see this movie that I had been eagerly anticipating. (I visited about eight movie theatres that day.)
But really, can you blame me? I mean, it's Wild Hogs! It's a biker comedy movie starring John Travolta (who apparently could have used the power of Scientology to save Anna Nicole Smith), Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, and, wait for it, William H. Macy. If this cast doesn't fit the definition of excellence, I don't know what does. Okay I do know what does; just throw in Ashton Kutcher and if you didn't have a cast that fit the definition of excellence before, you would now. Now sure, I really don't know anything about this movie beyond the fact that it is allegedly a biker comedy, and perhaps they are using the term "comedy" loosely, and I have only seen one movie in the theatre starring any of the aforementioned actors appearing in this movie (William H. Macy - Boogie Nights), but it is nice to know that after making questionable movie choices like Battlefield Earth (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/battlefield_earth/), John Travolta's career is back on the upswing (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/wild_hogs/). Now if you'll excuse me, I have to leave work early to go see Wild Hogs. And yes, my car is fully loaded with Gatorade and Aunt Jemima syrup.
When I heard some weeks ago that Wild Hogs was going to be released in some areas for a sneak peek on February 24, I did what any other sensible person who has been anxiously awaiting the release of a movie would do. First, I went to the closest movie theatre to my home on the 24th, checked to see whether they were showing Wild Hogs, when I found out that they were not, I started berating the teenager who informed me that I was out of luck, I poured the bottle of Gatorade that I had snuck into the theatre on the teen's head (everyone deserves to have a Gatorade shower at least once in his/her life), and I poured the bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup that I had snuck into the theatre all over the floor. I was then forcibly removed from the theatre. Secondly, I went to the next closest movie theatre to my home, checked to see whether they were showing Wild Hogs, when I found out that they were not, I started berating the teenager who informed me that I was out of luck, I poured the bottle of Gatorade that I had snuck into the theatre on the teen's head, and I poured the bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup that I had snuck into the theatre all over the floor. I was then forcibly removed from the theatre. Well, this pattern continued until I finally accepted the fact that I was going to have to wait an extra week to see this movie that I had been eagerly anticipating. (I visited about eight movie theatres that day.)
But really, can you blame me? I mean, it's Wild Hogs! It's a biker comedy movie starring John Travolta (who apparently could have used the power of Scientology to save Anna Nicole Smith), Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, and, wait for it, William H. Macy. If this cast doesn't fit the definition of excellence, I don't know what does. Okay I do know what does; just throw in Ashton Kutcher and if you didn't have a cast that fit the definition of excellence before, you would now. Now sure, I really don't know anything about this movie beyond the fact that it is allegedly a biker comedy, and perhaps they are using the term "comedy" loosely, and I have only seen one movie in the theatre starring any of the aforementioned actors appearing in this movie (William H. Macy - Boogie Nights), but it is nice to know that after making questionable movie choices like Battlefield Earth (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/battlefield_earth/), John Travolta's career is back on the upswing (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/wild_hogs/). Now if you'll excuse me, I have to leave work early to go see Wild Hogs. And yes, my car is fully loaded with Gatorade and Aunt Jemima syrup.
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