It's a New World Record!

Okay, now for some more news that everyone cares about! Did you know that there was a world record broken yesterday? It's true! Just read for yourself. I'm quite certain that you join me in congratulating Jackie "Texas Snake Man" Bibby in breaking the world record of sitting in a bathtub with the most rattlesnakes for forty-five minutes. Or at least I think that this is which sitting in a bathtub with rattlesnakes record that the Texas Snake Man broke. (It's been awhile since I consulted my Guinness Book of World Records to see what are the different categories of records for sitting in a bathtub with rattlesnakes.)

The great thing about this world record is that the Texas Snake Man just didn't break the record, he destroyed it. By using eighty-seven snakes in this most recent attempt, he beat his own previous world record by twelve snakes. Twelve snakes people! That's ten more snakes than the requisite for the movie Snakes on a Plane! I mean Asafa Powell of Jamaica broke his own world record in the 100 meter dash this year by a measly .03 seconds and people went crazy. However, Jackie "Texas Snake Man" Bibby breaks his world record by twelve snakes, I repeat, by twelve snakes and there is barely a mention of the feat.

But what's next for the Texas Snake Man? I'm glad you asked. Unfortunately, I don't have quite as much time or effort to spare as evidently the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records do, and thus I will not be able to make it out to Dublin, Texas to conduct an in-depth interview with the newest world record breaker. However, I can tell you some of the questions I would ask....

What's next for you? Will you go for, and I can't believe I'm possibly saying this, but will you go for 103 rattlesnakes on your next attempt? Your bathtub didn't seem to be completely full the last time; do you think that you could have had eighty-eight rattlesnakes placed in the tub? How about eighty-nine? Do you think that you would have been able to make it to fifty-one minutes, or would fatigue have set in? Or do you already hold the world record for sitting in a bathtub with eighty-seven rattlesnakes for fifty-one minutes? How would the dynamics of your record attempt have changed if you did it on board a plane that was in flight with Samuel L. Jackson present? Without Samuel L. Jackson present?

You see, these are great questions! If only I had time to get out to Dublin, Texas...

Utter Outrage

I read this story (or perhaps I should say I read part of the story) and must say that I am utterly outraged. However, I'm having a little bit of difficulty deciding precisely why I'm outraged. I'm outraged! There are obviously two sources of the pure fury that welled up within me upon reading the article and I feel that now is the appropriate time to discuss them.

What has become of our great nation when a man can no longer go out to a bar (or perhaps even sit at home by himself), get David Hasselhoff level plastered, and then climb into the chimney of his ex-girlfriend's residence in an attempt to win back her heart? What indeed has happened? Would the Founding Fathers have approved of such harsh treatment of a man who was simply exercising his rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through booze and breaking into his ex-girlfriend's home through the chimney? Well, the Founding Fathers are no longer around to answer this question, but it is my belief that these very worthy thinkers would answer this question with a resounding NO! I cry for the state of the nation.

But the questions for the Founding Fathers resulting from this incident have regrettably not all been posed. What has become of this nation when an honest woman cannot defend her property from meddling firefighters wishing to save a drunkard who has climbed into her chimney? What has become of this nation indeed?!?!? It would have been one thing if the firefighters were there to fight a fire, but has it not been said by the great scholars that a woman's home is her castle? What would the Founding Fathers say? What say you George Washington? What say you Ben Franklin? Would this fair American woman have been similarly cited if it were an Englishman or a squirrel similarly invading her home? The Founders would not tolerate such an encroachment on liberty! For was it not Alexander Hamilton who said Give me Liberty or Give me Death?!?!?

And there you have it. I cannot hide my outrage. I am outraged that a drunk decided to climb into his ex-girlfriend's chimney when it seems she did not want him back and got himself stuck in the process. I am similarly outraged that the ex-girlfriend decided to call the fire department or police (who else could have made the call) and then decided to interfere when a rescue was attempted. This nation, I'm afraid, is falling apart...