I was depressed for much of this weekend. True, it was great to have a few days off from work, but days off from work always end with the dreadful prospect of returning to work. And so I dolefully came into the office this morning, and as fate would have it, I made a wonderful discovery. Do you know how at times you wonder whether certain competitions have begun to lose their pizzazz? For example, let's consider the New York Knicks and the Miami Heat. During the 1990s this was a great rivalry because the teams truly hated each other. You knew that during a game between the two there was a very good chance that you would see someone get punched or see the coach of one of the teams hanging on for dear life to the legs of one of the opposing players to try to prevent someone from getting punched. And now it's at a point where no one really cares about these teams. You get the picture. And so it was that I believed the state of beauty pageants to be until I read this.
That beauty pageant contestants hate one another is no surprise. All of that nonsense where the losers are hugging the winner and saying congratulations and the like is a total farce. The first runner-up is not happy for the winner. The second runner-up is not happy for the first runner-up. Each contestant despises the person who finished one position ahead of herself because she knows that that is one more person who will need to not be able to perform the duties required of the title in order for her to ascend to the throne. However, I would not have dreamed that the hatred reached women's figure skating levels. Let's be clear, the only time you would go out of your way to sabotage someone else's chances are if you don't really believe you have a chance to win (e.g., when Tonya Harding and her group of thugs attacked Nancy Kerrigan at the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships). But putting pepper spray in an opponent's gown? Spiking the opponent's makeup? And despite all of this, Ingrid Marie Rivera still won.
I'm not saying that I am once again on board as a beauty pageant fan. (I still don't think that I'm quite over that incident back in '98 when Miss Massachusetts was clearly robbed at the Miss America Pageant. Perhaps I never will...) But these are the sorts of things that could reinvigorate interest in beauty pageants. Where are we headed next in these beauty pageant battles? Will we see the camp for one contestant spiking another contestant's drink or something so that she stays on the tanning bed much longer than desired? I don't know, but buckle up; the beauty pageant thrill ride is back on the expressway.
Showing posts with label In the News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label In the News. Show all posts
Monday, November 26, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Childhood Obesity Solved
I came across this story yesterday and I'm stunned that I finally have found something that I agree with 100%. The following quote is the first paragraph from the article:
Houston, Texas has some schools, E I E I O
And at these schools it has some kids, E I E I O
With a fat kid here and a fat kid there,
Here's a kid, yes, he's fat, everywhere a fat kid!
Houston, Texas has some kids, E I E I O!
(You get the picture. If you wish to sing along for a few more verses, just substitute your town and state for Houston and Texas. Be creative!)
And of course the only possible reason that these kids are so fat is that they are not getting enough sleep. And so this clearly, logically says to me that every hour that a kid is not in bed, he is gorging himself like there is no tomorrow. I mean this obviously explains why my parents continuously had shackles on the refrigerator doors every night as we grew up. They knew that if were not sleeping, there was only one possible thing that we could be doing: heading toward the fridge to get fat. Well, I know I never say this enough, but thanks mom and dad!
And all of you teachers in schools, this means that you have two simple directives to undertake: more nap time and less book learning. We cannot possibly allow the children to continue to get fat at this alarming rate, so don't wake them up if they start to doze off in class. More sleeping and less doing of other stuff will solve our child obesity problem.
Here's another reason to get the kids to bed early: More sleep may lower their risk of becoming obese. Researchers have found that every additional hour per night a third-grader spends sleeping reduces the child's chances of being obese in sixth grade by 40 percent.
Okay, that first paragraph said it all to me and thus I did not have to read any more. It all makes perfect sense to me now. I have noticed that I have seen many more fat kids these days, certainly more than I can remember seeing as I was growing up. So inspired am I at having seen so many fat kids in recent years that I have written a song that I am debuting here for the first time ever. It is to the tune of Old McDonald Had a Farm. I hope you like it!
Houston, Texas has some schools, E I E I O
And at these schools it has some kids, E I E I O
With a fat kid here and a fat kid there,
Here's a kid, yes, he's fat, everywhere a fat kid!
Houston, Texas has some kids, E I E I O!
(You get the picture. If you wish to sing along for a few more verses, just substitute your town and state for Houston and Texas. Be creative!)
And of course the only possible reason that these kids are so fat is that they are not getting enough sleep. And so this clearly, logically says to me that every hour that a kid is not in bed, he is gorging himself like there is no tomorrow. I mean this obviously explains why my parents continuously had shackles on the refrigerator doors every night as we grew up. They knew that if were not sleeping, there was only one possible thing that we could be doing: heading toward the fridge to get fat. Well, I know I never say this enough, but thanks mom and dad!
And all of you teachers in schools, this means that you have two simple directives to undertake: more nap time and less book learning. We cannot possibly allow the children to continue to get fat at this alarming rate, so don't wake them up if they start to doze off in class. More sleeping and less doing of other stuff will solve our child obesity problem.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
(i)Phony Lawsuit
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I couldn't resist! If you've seen this story, then you certainly know where I'm going with this. It seems some lady in New York is suing Apple Inc. claiming price discrimination due to Apple's decision to cut the price of the iPhone. On a morning when I woke up overjoyed to see that both of my fantasy football teams had won for the week, I thought to myself, now what could possibly make this morning any happier than it has already been? And so of course this wonderful story fell into my lap (or more precisely, onto my computer screen).
This story is so funny to me because I'm the type of person who never buys a new gadget when it is first introduced. For one thing, they almost always have bugs in them. Secondly, they are almost always way overpriced. And so it was the case with the iPhone, which upon initial release enjoyed a roughly 50% profit margin. The more discerning of you will have realized that this article detailing the expected profit margins that Apple would enjoy came out in January of this year. On the other hand, the iPhone was not released until late June. So there was already readily available information suggesting that a person would be wasting a good deal of money in purchasing this item soon after its release. And assuming no complete absence of intuition, a person should have known this anyway. And yet, I recall that people lined up at stores for hours if not overnight to get this thing. And for what reason? Just so that they could for a few brief weeks be cool...or huge dorks.
And so now we come to the point where Apple has decided to slash the price of the iPhone, and for one particular customer, this appears to be an outrage. Obviously, the only reasonable thing to do is to sue Apple, but for how much? Should you sue for $200, which is the difference between the old and new prices? No? Well, how about suing for $399, the new cost of the phone? Doesn't work for you? $599, the original cost of the phone? No deal? Well, why not one million dollars? You know, because $1 million is not all that much these days...
This story is so funny to me because I'm the type of person who never buys a new gadget when it is first introduced. For one thing, they almost always have bugs in them. Secondly, they are almost always way overpriced. And so it was the case with the iPhone, which upon initial release enjoyed a roughly 50% profit margin. The more discerning of you will have realized that this article detailing the expected profit margins that Apple would enjoy came out in January of this year. On the other hand, the iPhone was not released until late June. So there was already readily available information suggesting that a person would be wasting a good deal of money in purchasing this item soon after its release. And assuming no complete absence of intuition, a person should have known this anyway. And yet, I recall that people lined up at stores for hours if not overnight to get this thing. And for what reason? Just so that they could for a few brief weeks be cool...or huge dorks.
And so now we come to the point where Apple has decided to slash the price of the iPhone, and for one particular customer, this appears to be an outrage. Obviously, the only reasonable thing to do is to sue Apple, but for how much? Should you sue for $200, which is the difference between the old and new prices? No? Well, how about suing for $399, the new cost of the phone? Doesn't work for you? $599, the original cost of the phone? No deal? Well, why not one million dollars? You know, because $1 million is not all that much these days...
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