Spears-Federline Rankings - July 17, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Rankings for July 17, 2007

1. Britney Spears (1) - After a hard, months long charge, Britney Spears for the first time ever takes over the number one position in the Spears-Federline Rankings. She joins the likes of Kevin Federline and Lindsay Lohan who have held the top spot. Ms. Spears moves to the top for a number of reasons, including the thoughtful poem that she wrote for her mother. While true, this poem was written about two months after Mother's Day, it is still the thought that counts. Besides, Ms. Spears was likely occupied prior to this time with jail or rehab or something and just could not find the time. The Committee salutes Ms. Spears for thinking about her mother. Would this act of love have been enough to overtake the consistent Federline on its own? Who knows, but the Committee did not have to worry about such a tough decision once it was revealed that Britney Spears is big on child safety and is an animal lover. Okay sure, the no fun people at the Humane Society want to throw hissy fits because Ms. Spears acquired the $3000 pure bred puppy from some sort of high tech puppy manufacturing power plant, but come on here! If rich people aren't going to be allowed to buy $3000 puppies, then how are these puppies factories going to make enough money so that they can continue to produce $3000 puppies so that the human employees of these factories are able to put food on the table and buy Nintendo Wii's for each of their children? Come on, think Humane Society. You are not sounding very humane...

2. Kevin Federline - The Committee finally decided that Kevin Federline could no longer get a free ride to the top of the rankings. Or better yet, the Committee was not imaginative enough on the occasion of these rankings to make up what Federline might have been doing that just was not being reported by the media. While it does appear that Federline gets along much better with Ms. Spears's mother than does Ms. Spears, the Committee is certain that this sort of thing happens all of the time. No bonus points for you here Mr. Federline. Now since Mr. Federline is certainly a competitor, what sort of things might he do to regain the coveted number one spot? Starting rumors that he has impregnated Shar Jackson or some other pseudo-celebrity wouldn't hurt. And though the Committee likes to remain completely impartial in this race for number one, it will on this occasion make the suggestion that saving injured thoroughbred horses from incessant and overreactive attention (see Barbaro) is always a plus because $3000 puppies deserve the best selection of horse meats so that washed up pop stars can continue to buy them so that more $3000 puppies can continue to be churned out in $3000 a puppy puppy factories so that employees at the factories can continue to have enough means to put food on the plates of their families and put Playstation 3's in the hands of their children.

Also receiving votes: Lindsay Lohan (recently eliminated both reasons for not being able to drink: being in rehab and being under twenty-one years of age), Paris Hilton (avid reader of the Bible and excellent display of civic responsibility: voting for the President of the US in 2006)

Can Kevin Federline return to the top?

UPDATE - July 18, 2007, 6:30 am PDT - It seems one of the Committee members inadvertantly allowed an assistant to cast the vote on his behalf. The actual corrected rankings are as follows:

1. Kevin Federline (1)
2. Britney Spears