Paris Hilton in the Twenty-Two and One Half Century

Good news everyone! Just as a number of you were worried that future generations of American children would be denied another of the benefits that we present day citizens of the great country that is the United States enjoy comes the fabulous news that Paris Hilton is considering being cryonically preserved so that in theory she can live for hundreds, if not thousands, more years!

I said good news a moment ago, but really this is stupendous news! You know, I came in to work today really depressed because I did worry that American youth of the twenty-second century and beyond would have to live a life not knowing about the legend that is Paris Hilton. Realizing this, I lamentingly added this fact to the list I had already compiled of things that the children of the future would never know: social security, winters (global warming is here, people), bananas, and New York Yankees' World Series championships. But now I can expunge this item from the list. (That's a relief!)

But in order for future generations to come to know the Paris that we love and adore, the Paris who has overcome great odds to stand as a true role model to the members of Generation Y, they should see Paris exactly how we see Paris today. This means that Paris Hilton should waste little time in becoming Ted Williams's neighbor. For how will young children in say, the year 2147, relate to an elderly Paris Hilton "roughing it" the way she has done in the Simple Life? Are we not told when young by countless old people about how rough they had it growing up? (Miles and miles in the snow, uphill both ways to and from school...) If they see an old Paris Hilton having to work through hard times, they'll just say alright, I get it, things are going to be tough when I'm really old. And also, who better to encourage the youth of America to snap out of their apathetic ways when it comes to elective politics. You see, I have rarely voted. The reason I have rarely voted is because I'm still young (sort of), and young people are supposed to be apathetic and not vote. But seeing Paris Hilton assure Larry King that she had voted in the 2006 US Presidential Election has taught me that apathy is not the way. Paris Hilton has inspired me and so now I'm planning on voting in the 2007 US Presidential Election, which I'm pretty sure happens in the next couple of weeks. No, in order for Paris Hilton to act as a benefit to the society of the future to the degree to which she has acted for the society of today, she cannot waste her youth in today's world any longer. To the freezing chamber!

Teen Choice '07

So the big news is that the 2007 Teen Choice Awards took place this past Sunday - August 26! Alright!!! Now, you probably did not know that this event occurred, and this is not surprising since no one who is not actually appearing on the show should be aware of its airing. However, in reading some of the post show information, there certainly were a number of surprises.

One big surprise that I noted was that Larry Birkhead was both nominated for an award and decided to attend the show. For those who have short memories (in this case it would certainly be a blessing) and felt too lazy to read very far into the article, Larry Birkhead was the answer to the most important question of this year, and maybe this entire generation: who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby? I mean, it certainly must have been one of the most important events of the year (coupled with the Anna Nicole Burial Saga) considering the amount of news coverage that it received. Right? Well, given this fact, obviously it was the right idea to nominate Birkhead for a Teen Choice Award. And obviously it was a swell idea for him to show up. I still have no idea what this award was and I really hope that you are in no position to inform me.

But even more surprising was that according to the same article Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears all decided to pass on making appearances. Okay, maybe it would not be so surprising since there is a better than 50-50 chance that at any given time one or more of them will be in either jail or rehab, but as far as I am aware, all were ostensibly free at the time. (And by ostensibly free, I mean that all of them might have had other things that they were doing, but none sadly would have been a greater career boost than actually making an appearance at the Teen Choice Awards. And yes, this is really a very sad commentary.) But perhaps the real reason that they chose not to attend is because, as the article states, the three would likely all be nominees for the award 'Newsmakers of the Year.' That doesn't sound like such a bad award to win, does it? Oh, right, Hilton was nominated for her jail stint, Lohan for her most recent DUI, and Spears for her crazy head-shaving episode. Yes my friends, I, too, have such a low standard as to what should constitute a 'newsmaker' in the eyes of teens. Regrettably, none of the three showed up and so we will never know who the teens would have selected...

But fear not! This does not mean that the competition is over! It is the plan to enlist the services of the Committee - the group that decides on the Spears-Federline Rankings - to decide who should actually win this award. The award will be handed out in a few days, but in the meantime, feel free to send in your opinions as to who should win. Your opinions will probably be ignored.