The Monkey and the Bear

My friends, we face serious trouble. Two recent events have created great concern within me. The first is that bears have evidently started taking up residence in people's homes. And the second is that monkeys have advanced to the point where they are now adept at picking locks. These occurrences would seem to be isolated incidents and would seem to have little relation to one another, but few people are able to see the greater danger that these events collectively represent.

Not much more needs to be said about the dangers that bears represent than what has been said about them by the illustrious Stephen Colbert. Colbert has described bears as being "godless killing machines." One finds it difficult to argue with this sentiment especially since bears are already breaking through the windows of people's homes and lying in wait for the people to come home before they do what only bears can do.

But where do monkeys fit into this equation? For a long time now I have been cautioning about the problems that an elevated intellect within the monkey populace creates. Sure we should be very happy that monkeys are evolving and becoming more brilliant, but this evolution comes at the price of a monkey potentially reproducing the writings of Keven Federline. I have discussed this danger at length before and do not need to go into detail about what measures are being taken to prevent this from happening.

However, has it ever occurred to you what would happen if bears and monkeys were to team up? Many things have been said about bears, such as that they are godless killing machines, but to my knowledge no one has ever claimed them to be the most intelligent of adversaries. Right now when bears break into our homes, they are sloppy about it. But if you team a bear up with a monkey who knows how to pick complex locks, there is potentially no limit to what a fearsome duo can accomplish. Picture this; you return home after a lovely weekend in New York City only to find that when you approach your front door, everything is as it should be. The windows are in place, the door is still on its hinges, and the door is still locked. You open the front door and look inside. What do you see? Everything is perfectly in place as you might have guessed from the condition of the front door and windows. Everything seems to be okay and you think nothing is wrong until you get a call from the credit card fraud department weeks later asking you if you purchased $1000 worth of honey and $1000 worth of bananas. And then it finally hits you; you have been the victim of identity theft and credit card fraud perpetrated by a bear and monkey duo.

You see, a bear would not be able to do this on its own. The help of the monkey is essential. The monkey does most of the work: picks the lock, sifts through papers, looks through computer records, and obtains the credit card numbers. The bear does not even enter the house. So what is the bear doing while all of this is going on? The bear is keeping its eyes open for Five-O so that the duo can make a quick escape if and when the heat is on.

It's a dangerous new world out there with bears that enjoy camping out in our homes and monkeys who are crafty enough to pick locks.