Yes! They're Back!

Good news everyone! Great television is back! In case you have yet to see it, I invite you all to watch the A&E hit program The Two Coreys. The show stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim (the two Coreys), and I guess it also stars Feldman's wife or something like that. I don't really know for sure since I haven't really watched the program, but I intend to do so. I mean, who hasn't been looking forward to a Feldman/Haim reunion?

I'm sorry, but that was about as long as I could keep up that charade. But seriously, who in their right minds is actually interested in seeing a reunion of these guys? Why should anyone care about how they will interact in the same house together? This show is pretty much a joke for a number of reasons. (Although, in truth, I am in no actual position to prove this since I have not, as stated above, watched the show.) Let's try a little exercise first:

Quick! Name a movie in which Corey Feldman has starred within the last ten years. You have ten minutes. Got one? Okay... Quick! Name a movie in which Corey Haim has starred within the last ten years. This one is a little harder (I think?), so I'll give you twenty minutes. Obviously this was no easy exercise, or if it was, I sincerely believe you are in need of serious help. The bottom line is this; who even cares what one of these Coreys is doing, let alone two?

These guys were somewhat relevant about twenty years ago. But do you know what the likely reason for their relevance was? It certainly wasn't because they were incredible acting prodigies. And it is extremely hard for me to imagine that these two could have ever been teen heartthrobs. No, the answer is really quite simple; they had the same stupid name! And the name was infrequent enough that idiot movie producers said to themselves, "you know, wouldn't it be cool if we put those two Coreys in a movie together?" It is very clear that if their names were John, or Michael, or James, no more air time would be wasted on these guys.

Teen Choice '07

So the big news is that the 2007 Teen Choice Awards took place this past Sunday - August 26! Alright!!! Now, you probably did not know that this event occurred, and this is not surprising since no one who is not actually appearing on the show should be aware of its airing. However, in reading some of the post show information, there certainly were a number of surprises.

One big surprise that I noted was that Larry Birkhead was both nominated for an award and decided to attend the show. For those who have short memories (in this case it would certainly be a blessing) and felt too lazy to read very far into the article, Larry Birkhead was the answer to the most important question of this year, and maybe this entire generation: who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby? I mean, it certainly must have been one of the most important events of the year (coupled with the Anna Nicole Burial Saga) considering the amount of news coverage that it received. Right? Well, given this fact, obviously it was the right idea to nominate Birkhead for a Teen Choice Award. And obviously it was a swell idea for him to show up. I still have no idea what this award was and I really hope that you are in no position to inform me.

But even more surprising was that according to the same article Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears all decided to pass on making appearances. Okay, maybe it would not be so surprising since there is a better than 50-50 chance that at any given time one or more of them will be in either jail or rehab, but as far as I am aware, all were ostensibly free at the time. (And by ostensibly free, I mean that all of them might have had other things that they were doing, but none sadly would have been a greater career boost than actually making an appearance at the Teen Choice Awards. And yes, this is really a very sad commentary.) But perhaps the real reason that they chose not to attend is because, as the article states, the three would likely all be nominees for the award 'Newsmakers of the Year.' That doesn't sound like such a bad award to win, does it? Oh, right, Hilton was nominated for her jail stint, Lohan for her most recent DUI, and Spears for her crazy head-shaving episode. Yes my friends, I, too, have such a low standard as to what should constitute a 'newsmaker' in the eyes of teens. Regrettably, none of the three showed up and so we will never know who the teens would have selected...

But fear not! This does not mean that the competition is over! It is the plan to enlist the services of the Committee - the group that decides on the Spears-Federline Rankings - to decide who should actually win this award. The award will be handed out in a few days, but in the meantime, feel free to send in your opinions as to who should win. Your opinions will probably be ignored.

The Cat's Eye

I came across this interesting story dealing with cats' memories. It seems that some new research has been done that proves that a cat's memory is more based on what its body remembers happening more so than what it remembers seeing with its eyes. I don't wish to recite the entire content of the article (you can read for yourself if you choose), but to provide a brief recap of what they did, there was an obstacle that was placed in front of a cat and in some fashion the researchers were able to entice the cat to move toward the obstacle. On the way toward stepping over the obstacle, the researchers interrupted the cat in two stages. The first stage found the cat having only cleared the obstacle with its front legs, while the second stage found the cat having not yet reached the obstacle. In both cases, the obstacle was removed while the cat was distracted while eating, or some other distraction.

The results of this research may astound you. In the instance where the cat had cleared the obstacle with its front legs, the back legs seemed to remember the obstacle being there even though it was no longer present. The cat would still lift its hind legs to overcome the obstacle. However, when the cat is distracted before having reached the obstacle, when allowed to proceed, it walks as if the obstacle had never been there. So clearly the cat has forgotten that the object was there. In essence, this proves that a cat's physical memory is stronger than its visual memory.

Okay, so essentially that is the recap of what it appears to me that the article was intimating. And if you have half a brain (or maybe even a quarter would suffice) and you have read this, you would see that this is a total load of crap. Oh well, since the cat proceeded as if the obstacle was no longer there (when stopped before reaching it) it must mean that the cat has forgotten that it was there, right? Wrong, idiots. How about this, and brace yourselves for this one, the cat looks in front of him or her, no longer sees an obstacle, and decides it doesn't need to jump an invisible hurdle? No? That explanation doesn't work for you? Oh, you need to justify all of that money spent on your useless research on something that seems patently obvious by coming up with some sort of amazing breakthrough? Oh, I see. Idiots...

Spears-Federline Rankings - August 21, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Rankings for August 21, 2007

1. Kevin Federline (1) - After a controversial polling where it was unclear who really occupied the top spot, Kevin Federline responds to definitively take the number one ranking. However, it was not without a bit of a struggle. Federline mainly moves to the top spot due to the news of his imminent employment. While the committee was baffled that not a single actress appearing on the show One Tree Hill currently has a restraining order keeping Federline away, which would thus preclude him from actually setting foot on set, the committee also realized that it was unable to identify any of the actresses appearing on the show. And though the committee realizes that someone must actually watch this show, the committee was unable to at the time these rankings were published find anyone who would admit to being a fan. Ultimately, this should be considered analogous to a victory over weak competition.

2. Britney Spears - So considering Federline's questionable supporting evidence for holding the top spot, how did Ms. Spears not occupy that spot herself? Quite simply, using the same analogy, Spears's competition is somehow even weaker. Of course you must be questioning whether the committee has altogether lost it. "What could possibly be weaker than a gig on One Tree Hill?" you're saying, "No one watches that show." And you make a strong point, but the committee considered the rumor that Britney Spears is being considered for a part in Celebrity Apprentice. That would be quite formidable if she was going up against George Clooney or Catherine Zeta-Jones, but these two people have talent and viable careers. No, Spears is rumored to be potentially going up against a recently-released-from-jail, pseudo-celebrity who admitted to voting in the 2006 US Presidential election (Paris Hilton) and a probably-soon-to-be-headed-to-jail, probably-washed-up, former child star who is rumored to have quite the predilection for cocaine and booze (Lindsay Lohan). This is not really stiff competition for anyone who is not completely insane, but it is certainly unclear as to whether Spears would win this battle. It was an excellent effort by Spears, but she came up short this time.

This struggle is definitely heating up!

The Monkey and the Bear

My friends, we face serious trouble. Two recent events have created great concern within me. The first is that bears have evidently started taking up residence in people's homes. And the second is that monkeys have advanced to the point where they are now adept at picking locks. These occurrences would seem to be isolated incidents and would seem to have little relation to one another, but few people are able to see the greater danger that these events collectively represent.

Not much more needs to be said about the dangers that bears represent than what has been said about them by the illustrious Stephen Colbert. Colbert has described bears as being "godless killing machines." One finds it difficult to argue with this sentiment especially since bears are already breaking through the windows of people's homes and lying in wait for the people to come home before they do what only bears can do.

But where do monkeys fit into this equation? For a long time now I have been cautioning about the problems that an elevated intellect within the monkey populace creates. Sure we should be very happy that monkeys are evolving and becoming more brilliant, but this evolution comes at the price of a monkey potentially reproducing the writings of Keven Federline. I have discussed this danger at length before and do not need to go into detail about what measures are being taken to prevent this from happening.

However, has it ever occurred to you what would happen if bears and monkeys were to team up? Many things have been said about bears, such as that they are godless killing machines, but to my knowledge no one has ever claimed them to be the most intelligent of adversaries. Right now when bears break into our homes, they are sloppy about it. But if you team a bear up with a monkey who knows how to pick complex locks, there is potentially no limit to what a fearsome duo can accomplish. Picture this; you return home after a lovely weekend in New York City only to find that when you approach your front door, everything is as it should be. The windows are in place, the door is still on its hinges, and the door is still locked. You open the front door and look inside. What do you see? Everything is perfectly in place as you might have guessed from the condition of the front door and windows. Everything seems to be okay and you think nothing is wrong until you get a call from the credit card fraud department weeks later asking you if you purchased $1000 worth of honey and $1000 worth of bananas. And then it finally hits you; you have been the victim of identity theft and credit card fraud perpetrated by a bear and monkey duo.

You see, a bear would not be able to do this on its own. The help of the monkey is essential. The monkey does most of the work: picks the lock, sifts through papers, looks through computer records, and obtains the credit card numbers. The bear does not even enter the house. So what is the bear doing while all of this is going on? The bear is keeping its eyes open for Five-O so that the duo can make a quick escape if and when the heat is on.

It's a dangerous new world out there with bears that enjoy camping out in our homes and monkeys who are crafty enough to pick locks.