The Countdown is On

It is almost that time; or at least it already feels like it is almost that time. For some weeks now, the country has patiently waited (okay, perhaps we have not been that patient collectively) for the November 4 match up between the New England Patriots and the defending Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts. If you'll recall, the Colts, led be Peyton Manning, finally got over the hump, so to speak, and defeated the Patriots in the AFC Championship. Trailing by a wide margin at one point, the Colts rallied to beat New England, and then went on to defeat the Chicago Bears for their second ever Super Bowl victory. On the other hand, the Patriots have been the most successful NFL team of the last decade, having won Super Bowls during the 2001, 2003, and 2004 seasons. In those latter two seasons, New England had ended Indianapolis's season during the AFC playoffs. Yes, it is safe to say that there is a bit of a rivalry between the two teams.

And now we fast forward to the present day: six days before this season's epic showdown between the two teams. The Colts come in at 7-0, after having defeated the Carolina Panthers 31-7. The Patriots are 8-0, after squeaking by against the Washington Redskins 52-7. There is a general consensus that these two teams are the best in all of football. Despite playing the game on the road, the Patriots are early favorites. The game has the potential to be a classic, and despite the fact that it is a mid season game, the outcome could be the most determining factor in deciding this year's Super Bowl champion. I cannot wait to curl up under the covers on the sofa at home and watch this game this coming Sunday afternoon...

Oh but wait, I can't do that. It seems that due to absolutely fabulous scheduling, I get to watch the Houston Texans play the Oakland Raiders at the same time that the Patriots will be playing the Colts! Good times! Yes, I cannot think of anything I would rather be doing than watching my home market last place Houston Texans play the last place Oakland Raiders. Yes, that was sarcasm. But I should not complain; surely there are people in other parts of the country who have to deal with similar disappointment. Wait, what's that? The Houston at Oakland game will be the only other game that CBS will be showing concurrently with New England-Indianapolis? Wow, I feel just like I hit the lottery. I guess it's off to the sports bar for me that afternoon... Oh, and by the way, I'm pretty sure New England will win big (again) and I'm also predicting that I don't care what happens in the Houston-Oakland game.

The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

10-26-xxxx - I came across this story recently, and I can tell you that it is really touching. The fact that some ordinary guy would risk his life in such a way to save some helpless little girl is certainly inspiring. Oh, I'm sorry; what I meant to say is that it would certainly be inspiring if it were not a total load of crap. This story is labeled as "Heroic Exploits," and we all know that there cannot be any heroic exploits unless Superman is present. I'm pretty sure that I did not rescue some little girl from an angry bear any time recently. But let's go a little deeper into these outlandish claims. Actually, that would take too much than Superman has to spare - you know, having to constantly save the world and such. Let's just say that there is no way that some ordinary guy could go toe to toe with a bear and come away with only a scrape across the forehead. The only being that could survive such an encounter with a bear with just a scratch is me, Superman. Except that I would not even be injured by the bear because a bear can't injure Superman. I'm not even sure Superman could injure Superman.

But there is something far more important about this story. What happened to the little girl that was saved? Is she okay? And more importantly, is she cute? If she is cute, this means that one day she could be super hot and hot chicks dig Superman. So the only thing left to do is to fly into the future about fifteen or so years and this cute girl/hot chick will be mine.

Now where did I put those red briefs...

Paris Hilton in the Twenty-Two and One Half Century

Good news everyone! Just as a number of you were worried that future generations of American children would be denied another of the benefits that we present day citizens of the great country that is the United States enjoy comes the fabulous news that Paris Hilton is considering being cryonically preserved so that in theory she can live for hundreds, if not thousands, more years!

I said good news a moment ago, but really this is stupendous news! You know, I came in to work today really depressed because I did worry that American youth of the twenty-second century and beyond would have to live a life not knowing about the legend that is Paris Hilton. Realizing this, I lamentingly added this fact to the list I had already compiled of things that the children of the future would never know: social security, winters (global warming is here, people), bananas, and New York Yankees' World Series championships. But now I can expunge this item from the list. (That's a relief!)

But in order for future generations to come to know the Paris that we love and adore, the Paris who has overcome great odds to stand as a true role model to the members of Generation Y, they should see Paris exactly how we see Paris today. This means that Paris Hilton should waste little time in becoming Ted Williams's neighbor. For how will young children in say, the year 2147, relate to an elderly Paris Hilton "roughing it" the way she has done in the Simple Life? Are we not told when young by countless old people about how rough they had it growing up? (Miles and miles in the snow, uphill both ways to and from school...) If they see an old Paris Hilton having to work through hard times, they'll just say alright, I get it, things are going to be tough when I'm really old. And also, who better to encourage the youth of America to snap out of their apathetic ways when it comes to elective politics. You see, I have rarely voted. The reason I have rarely voted is because I'm still young (sort of), and young people are supposed to be apathetic and not vote. But seeing Paris Hilton assure Larry King that she had voted in the 2006 US Presidential Election has taught me that apathy is not the way. Paris Hilton has inspired me and so now I'm planning on voting in the 2007 US Presidential Election, which I'm pretty sure happens in the next couple of weeks. No, in order for Paris Hilton to act as a benefit to the society of the future to the degree to which she has acted for the society of today, she cannot waste her youth in today's world any longer. To the freezing chamber!

Spears-Federline Rankings - October 23, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Note: Things are coming fast and furiously folks! Such is the influx of new information that the Committee is considering giving up all other activity and purely focusing on consistently updating these rankings to ensure that they are as current as possible.

Rankings for October 23, 2007

1. Britney Spears (1) - For the second time in a row, Britney Spears tops the Spears-Federline Rankings. However, this race like most others was almost too close to call. Since the last rankings, Spears lost visitation rights with the kids and then gained them back (and maybe lost and gained visitation rights once again...), was booked and released on driving related charges (to be fair, the driving related charges happened back during the summer and really did not influence these rankings), and enhanced her lips to enormous proportions. All of these things were a net negative and probably would have forced Britney down to number two in the rankings - especially considering the tremendous performance by Federline (see below) - if not for Spears's other big news: she ran over the foot of a paparazzo. Somehow the Committee missed that Britney Spears and the late Princess Diana are apparently kindred spirits. It's true! Or at least it appears Spears thinks so. And what better comparison ever existed? Princess Diana worked to change the way people perceived those people suffering with AIDS, and in addition, worked tirelessly to convince the world to ban landmines. Diana also was the mother of the two men that currently are second and third in line to the throne of the United Kingdom. Similarly, Britney Spears has sung songs titled "...Baby One More Time," "I'm a Slave 4 U," "Toxic," and "Gimme More." And just in case the similarities are not yet clear, Britney Spears is also the mother of two sons who are heirs to a former backup dancer for LFO. So maybe in Britney's mind she took the first step in avoiding the fate that befell Diana by running over a paparazzo. Good show, Britney, and paparazzi beware.

2. Kevin Federline - Federline made a hard charge to regain the top spot that he had so long enjoyed but came up a bit short. Since the last rankings, he regained sole custody and then lost partial custody of his children to a crazy person (see above). In addition, the Committee notes as a bright spot that Federline has maintained his recent habit of not releasing rap albums. The Committee also took into account that new opportunities have opened up for Federline with the comeback of the Backstreet Boys. Said Backstreet Boys are one person short with the retirement of former member Kevin Richardson, and who better to join the group as lead backup dancer for the next two months until the band goes on hiatus yet again than Kevin Federline? The new album is to be released next week so everybody get in line!

3. Sean Preston Federline (second in line) - "Mama, what big lips you have..."

4. Jayden James Federline (third in line) - "Mama, what big lips you have..."

Will Kevin Federline make it back to the top?

Perchance to Write a Cartoon

I've almost come to the conclusion that at one time mental patients were in charge of developing cartoon programming. I know what you are going to say; you are going to tell me that I should not watch certain shows if they are so offensive. And you are probably right. However, in my defense I will say that I watch cartoons because everything else on TV is far crappier - well maybe except for this. Well with that said, I'll tell you about an experience I had watching the Boomerang Network last night.

So I was watching Boomerang late last night and they happened to be showing one of those Superman cartoons that I would imagine was made during the 60s or 70s. (I did my research, and it was actually made during the 60s.) The title of the show was "The Wisp of Wickedness," and in the show some sort of evil mist comes from outer space and inhabits a hat. At least three different people put on this hat, and it causes them to do evil things. And this makes sense because one would expect that a hat inhabited by an evil mist would make good people do evil things. Also, one would fully expect that any sensible person, when finding a hat just lying on the ground would certainly don the hat irrespective of the hat's history. (It makes one pine for the days of the 1960s when evidently such things as head lice did not exist...) I mean, if I found a hat lying on the ground I would certainly wear it because of even the small chance that I can turn into a living snowman by doing so. That's always been my dream.

Getting back to the actual plot of the show, once Superman finds out that people are mysteriously doing evil things, he goes into action. He discovers that the hat must have been the source of the evil and manages to separate the hat from the evil mist. At this time I would like to point out that it was a good thing that Superman encountered this evil hat while Superman rather than Clark Kent. Again, it is clear from this show that during the 60s, no one could resist wearing a hat found lying on the ground. We can only assume that Superman was able to resist because that particular hat just would not have gone well with his blue body-length tights and red briefs. If Clark Kent had found the hat, I'm sure we would have seen a plot play out in this cartoon very similar to the one that played out a decade and a half later in Superman III.

When Superman discovers that it is the mist that has caused the hat to be evil, he realizes that he cannot actually grasp the mist, but he uses his very advanced scientific knowledge to realize that since this mist is a vapor, it can be frozen. (The process is called deposition.) And so Superman uses his freezing breath to freeze the evil mist and then throws the now solid mist into outer space, never to threaten to inhabit innocent Earth bound hats again.

Great stuff that is, but extremely contradictory. If Superman was able to use his freezing breath to freeze this mist on Earth, then how in blazes was this mist not frozen when it was initially in space? I know that Superman has an awesome freezing breath, but he cannot possibly freeze something better than the vacuum of space that has a temperature of 2.725 Kelvin - close to absolute zero. Also, while it's great that Superman was able to throw the frozen mist into outer space, and while this means that he could be an excellent starting pitcher for either the Mets or Yankees (particularly since he does not have a fatigued right groin), since Superman was not in the vacuum of space when he threw the frozen mist, the frictional energy caused by the drag of the atmosphere certainly would have sublimated the frozen solid back into mist. Sorry hats; you still must beware...

Great job there out of the writers...

Please Baseball End Soon...

I hate the fact that I'm even going to discuss this, but I am so tired of certain aspects of baseball. Anyone who has ever followed baseball and any other sport realizes that baseball keeps track of the most useless statistics as compared to other sports. For goodness sakes, I believe that baseball would keep track of the statistic "highest batting average with runners in scoring position with two outs and nobody on base" if it were at all possible to achieve this situation. With that as a background, I want to tell you precisely why I cannot wait for this baseball season to be over.

When I woke up this morning, I turned on ESPN's program SportsCenter, which I sometimes do at the beginning of the day. I was soon updated with the fact that the Boston Red Sox had lost to the Cleveland Indians in game four of the American League Championship Series (ALCS), 7-3, but was also informed by ESPN's Tim Kurkjian that (and I'm paraphrasing) prior to the eleventh inning of game two of the 2007 ALCS, the Cleveland Indians had never scored seven runs in an inning in a postseason game. And also scoring seven runs in the fifth inning of game four, these two big innings were a big reason why Cleveland is very close to moving on to the World Series (they're up 3-1 in the ALCS). If you guessed that my first thought when hearing this was "wow, that's some excellent insight," you would be very wrong. No, my first thought was "wow, that was an incredibly useless statistic, and at the same time it's completely obvious that those two innings are important in Cleveland having built such a lead in the series." My gosh, what would Kurkjian have started off with if Cleveland had only scored six runs in the eleventh inning of game two and six runs in the fifth inning of game four? (Assuming Cleveland had scored six runs in a postseason inning prior to game two of this series...)

So there you have it; I'm looking forward to the end of this baseball season and a cessation of useless statistics being stated for a few months. Oh wait, the NBA is about to start, and they endlessly tell us useless stats like "the team in the league with the most points scored from the 10:57 mark of the first quarter to the 1:43 mark of the second quarter." No, I'm just kidding. Only baseball analysts would think it was useful to search for and relay such useless information.

Cavemen is a Hit! And Another Show Idea...

I have to humbly admit that I have evidently been wrong. It seems that the reviews are in and the critics have nothing but fantastic things to say about the show Cavemen. ABC clearly has a winner on its hands, and based on the incredible prescience that they showed in knowing that a sitcom based on extraordinarily funny television commercials would be a big hit, I would like to suggest that they again look for inspiration from television commercials in choosing their next can't miss show. To that end, I'm going to suggest that they consider those fabulously funny Coors Light post game interview parodies!

My goodness, is there anything even remotely as funny as these commercials?!?! I mean, is there anything remotely as funny other than the Geico cavemen commercials? The answer is obviously no. And the thing about it is that creating this new show based on the Coors Light mock post game interviews will require even less hard work than show creators obviously put into Cavemen. And the reason for this is that the footage of the NFL coaches is already available. More than half of the hilarity needed to make the show is just waiting to be built around. Sort of like this... Wow, those guys are funny! ABC, I know you already have your best creative minds working on coming up with show ideas, but feel free to contact me if you need additional input.

Spears-Federline Rankings - October 12, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Rankings for October 12, 2007

1. Britney Spears (1) - Finally!!! At long last Britney Spears assumes the top spot in the Spears-Federline Rankings. The Committee believed that all of the hard work that Spears has been doing in recent times should finally be reflected with deserving accolades. But what has Spears been doing that has so impressed the Committee? Well, since the last rankings she has begun the process of reconciling with her mother. The two Spearses may even have reached the point where Britney is now Lynne Spears's favorite of the former married couple rather than Kevin. That's a big step. In addition, she has released a new music video that can only be described as fantastic! And finally, but most importantly (saving the best for last), she has won a weekly night's chaperoned slumber party with the former couple's children, Sean Preston and Jayden James. The Britney Train has regained momentum!

2. Kevin Federline - The Committee was really struggling to make up things that Federline might have been doing for these rankings partially because one of the Committee members suffered a temporary debilitating head injury while fighting a bear. However, as luck would have it, the Committee did not need to go to these extreme measures. For what does it say about you when a judge is willing to partially reverse a custody order he handed down less than two weeks before in order to allow a possible alcoholic/drug addict who showed up for the hearing five hours late to spend a night with your kids? What this said to the Committee is that the judge is looking for any excuse at all to award Sean Preston and Jayden James to Ms. Spears and so Mr. Federline would be wise not to do anything (and in particular not to make any more rap albums) and just allow Ms. Spears's own actions sabotage her chances. Oh yeah, that appears to be precisely what Mr. Federline is doing. Maybe he should be ranked higher...

3. Sean Preston Federline and Jayden James Federline (tie) - Yikes! Boys, this is a disaster!

How long can Britney stay on top?

The New Scar Adorning My Forehead

There are some people who are apparently aware that I have a new scar that adorns my forehead. And since unlike almost twenty-three years ago when I obtained my first scar across my forehead (requiring stitches on that occasion) my older brother was nowhere to be found to inflict the scar upon me, there must be, you reason, another explanation. And so there is...

Late Thursday night of last week, I happened to be walking the pathways in the zoo when I happened to notice that some innocent, sweet five-year old girl happened to have squeezed herself into a bear's habitat. Looking around, I saw no one else available to rescue this little girl, so I ran over and scaled to the top of the gate surrounding the area and jumped to the ground. I immediately dashed between the bear and the little girl. The bear informed me (and I'm not sure whether the bear actually talked or whether this was some sort of psychic communication we had going between us) that the encroachment that had been enacted upon his ground could only be sated with blood. And so I made a bargain with the bear; the two of us (the bear and myself) would box in order that this blood requirement be fulfilled.

We made a few ground rules for the the fight. The first rule was that the fight was to last no more than ten rounds. This was not a championship bout, after all, but if it were, we would have planned for a full twelve rounds. If the fight did go the full ten rounds, the decision would be turned over to the judge (probably the little girl, I guess, but I really don't remember where she was at this point anyway). Secondly, the fight was to be stopped at first blood. We each had monkeys acting as corners, and at the very least, I instructed the monkey in my corner not to throw in the towel under any circumstances. (But since I was talking to a monkey and not another human, I instructed him not to throw in his poop under any circumstances.)

And so the fight started. It was quite the epic, but around the middle of round seven I had to look back at my corner monkey because he was making a lot of noise. First I had to dodge some poop that he threw, which made me very angry because I had instructed him not to do so, but then I realized that he was pointing at my forehead. When I rubbed my forehead, I realized that I was actually bleeding. This was strange because I could not recall the bear actually landing a decent punch on me. However, rules are rules, and with my forehead bleeding, the blood requirement was fulfilled. With the match over, I jumped the gate and went home for the night. I believe that the bear said that he was going to go into hibernation for a few months.

Epilogue: The fight really should have been over far earlier considering the mauling that I dished out to this bear in the opening rounds. I was at the top of my game with my lightning fast jabs and powerful crosses. The bear was almost certainly bleeding by early in round two, but he kept claiming that it was just that he was sweating and that his sweat was red. I decided to let this slide since this was the bear's home after all, and I did not really want to embarrass him there...

Diminishing Returns

I'm sure most are aware by now that the New York Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs last night. As an avowed Yankees hater, this should have brought me great pleasure. After all, have I not told many people that I am more driven by Yankee losses than by wins by my own New York Mets? I'm afraid that sadly last night's exit by the Yankees from the playoffs brought me little excitement.

Who would have guessed that the economic law of diminishing returns would have any bearing on baseball? I suppose that I should qualify the last sentence by asking who would have guessed the law of diminishing returns would have any bearing on my own enjoyment of baseball. For it is quite obvious if one follows the history of the Yankees over the last few years that this principle does apply. For every additional million dollars that the Yankees have spent on some washed up has been/never was who with all likelihood only ever achieved success because of steroid use, how much closer to the championship have they ended up getting? Marginally at best, and even farther away at worse. I mean, the Yankees certainly got a sweet deal with all of that money that they spent on Roger Clemens.

But getting back to the Yankees losing, I find it very hard to get excited about it anymore. This is probably because I am not surprised by the outcome in the very least anymore. The late playoff run that the Yankees put forward over the last two months notwithstanding, did anyone really expect the Yankees to get their acts together after such a disastrous start? This season got to the point where you basically expected Mike Mussina to give up about eight runs or so every time he pitched, or you expected Roger Clemens to go down with a strained hamstring or fatigued right groin every time he pitched.

But alas, it brought to me no great enjoyment other than the fact that I can now bid adieu to the 2007 baseball season.

Before there was Inspector Gadget...

Many people who know me know that I spend much more time watching cartoons than one who is ostensibly an adult without children probably should. Of course, I can always counter back that I more than create proper balance by virtue of the amount of time that I spend watching C-SPAN as well. But the watching of C-SPAN is a discussion for another time, perhaps, and so I will return to the topic of cartoons.

Frankly, I think that most of the cartoons that are created these days are atrocious. What, is it that when selecting ideas for children's entertainment people actually go through a process similar to this? It's extremely bewildering, let me tell you, and for this reason I tend to go for nostalgia and watch cartoons that were around when I was growing up. And of course this makes the Boomerang network perfect for me. For those who do not know, Boomerang is operated by Cartoon Network, but shows primarily much older cartoons. But in watching this channel in recent days, I have come to the realization that cartoon creation for children has perhaps always been done in an idiotic fashion.

A few days ago (I cannot say with certainty on what day this occurred), I happened to be watching Boomerang late at night or very early in the morning and I came across the program The Robonic Stooges. Now if you guessed from reading this show's title that it was a cartoon about The Three Stooges, then give yourself a pat on the back. Apparently, the Robonic Stooges first appeared as part of a show called Skatebirds in 1977, but then began a sixteen episode run of its own on January 28, 1978. And I know what you are certainly thinking right now, because it was the same thing I was thinking when I saw the show: how in blazes did it take people so long to come up with a great idea like creating cartoon versions of the Three Stooges, but only as cyborgs, who went around fighting crime? I mean gosh, if I were creating a cartoon this is the very first idea I would come up with...if I were an advocate of torturing children, which I am not.

So this is a good idea for a cartoon? So, I can only gather from the creation of the Robonic Stooges that the target audience for the Three Stooges was children. I guess this could make sense because I do have a hard time believing that adults would find the Stooges that entertaining. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I just don't get it. But let's go back to the thesis that the original target audience for the Stooges was children. The timing of this show's creation can only mean that the children of this country were distraught that their beloved Stooges were never to perform again. After all, Moe, Larry, Curly, and Shemp were all dead by 1975. I'm sure those people in charge of children's programing at CBS in those days must have been saying, "These poor children, their adored Stooges are now all gone and there has not been a Three Stooges movie since 1970. I know what we can do! We can create a cartoon where bionic versions of the Stooges haphazardly foil crimes! This idea is a winner!" Yes, that idea certainly was a winner and proves that people in entertainment just don't get paid well enough for great ideas.

(i)Phony Lawsuit

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I couldn't resist! If you've seen this story, then you certainly know where I'm going with this. It seems some lady in New York is suing Apple Inc. claiming price discrimination due to Apple's decision to cut the price of the iPhone. On a morning when I woke up overjoyed to see that both of my fantasy football teams had won for the week, I thought to myself, now what could possibly make this morning any happier than it has already been? And so of course this wonderful story fell into my lap (or more precisely, onto my computer screen).

This story is so funny to me because I'm the type of person who never buys a new gadget when it is first introduced. For one thing, they almost always have bugs in them. Secondly, they are almost always way overpriced. And so it was the case with the iPhone, which upon initial release enjoyed a roughly 50% profit margin. The more discerning of you will have realized that this article detailing the expected profit margins that Apple would enjoy came out in January of this year. On the other hand, the iPhone was not released until late June. So there was already readily available information suggesting that a person would be wasting a good deal of money in purchasing this item soon after its release. And assuming no complete absence of intuition, a person should have known this anyway. And yet, I recall that people lined up at stores for hours if not overnight to get this thing. And for what reason? Just so that they could for a few brief weeks be cool...or huge dorks.

And so now we come to the point where Apple has decided to slash the price of the iPhone, and for one particular customer, this appears to be an outrage. Obviously, the only reasonable thing to do is to sue Apple, but for how much? Should you sue for $200, which is the difference between the old and new prices? No? Well, how about suing for $399, the new cost of the phone? Doesn't work for you? $599, the original cost of the phone? No deal? Well, why not one million dollars? You know, because $1 million is not all that much these days...

Let's Go Mets!!!!!!!

So there are many out there who may be unaware that I am fan of the New York Mets. And I have no problem admitting to this even a day after the Mets accomplished one of the most monumental collapses in recent memory. What allows me to go on completely without depression this day is that I long ago divorced myself from the seasonal fate of the Mets. Now of course, if one of these days the Mets were able to do the improbable and win the World Series I would be extremely happy. However, I know that this is not going to happen, so why should I be so sad in witnessing an outcome that I clearly expected?

That said, there was certainly something poetic in the way the Mets fell this season. And if this were not a team of which I was a fan, you can be sure that I would be laughing heartily about how this particular poem came to a conclusion. Okay, you got me; even as a Mets fan I am forced to laugh at how this season came to a conclusion.

Let's go back in time about a month or so. (I don't actually feel like going back to make sure this is 100% accurate, so my memory of the events will have to suffice.) The Mets came to the end of August/early September time frame with a lead of roughly 5-6 games in the National League East. They went to Philadelphia and promptly got swept three or four games, cutting their lead to two games I believe. However, as luck would have it, the Mets ended up getting a helping hand from the Atlanta Braves of all teams who ended up winning a series from the Phillies, allowing the Mets to gain some breathing room as they were beating up on a crappier (than the Mets) opponent. As September progressed along past the ides, the Mets were able to build a seemingly insurmountable seven game lead over the Phillies. It was time to start opening those champagne bottles and printing playoff tickets! No one blows a seven game lead with roughly sixteen games to play! Sorry my friends - I should say no one does this but your Amazin' Mets!

The Mets got swept again by the Phillies in a series at Shea Stadium that enabled the Phillies to really close the gap. Going into the final weekend of the season, the Mets and Phillies were tied at the top of the National East as play began on Friday, September 28, 2007. The Phillies won that night, and the Mets lost. And so as play began on Saturday, the Phillies had a chance to wrap up the division with a win coupled with a Mets loss. And then came the simply splendid; the Mets finally won a game in dominating fashion. On that Saturday afternoon, the Mets won 13-0. In the process, Mets pitcher John Maine went 7 2/3 before finally giving up a base hit. In the forty-six year history of the Mets, they have never had a pitcher pitch a no-hitter. However, Maine's dominating performance (he also struck out fourteen batters during the game) seemed to breathe new life into the team. (Both my brothers were apparently in attendance at the game.) And then things got even better; the Phillies lost that day meaning that the two teams would enter play on Sunday tied atop the NL East with one game to play.

Sunday was sure to be a day filled with drama as both teams were watching the scoreboard as their own games played out. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), one of the teams failed to bring the drama on that day. The Mets, by giving up seven runs in the first inning of that 162nd game of the season dashed any hope that their more naive fans had falsely gained from the day before. And it probably did not help matters to see that the Phillies were putting more and more runs on the board as the afternoon progressed. The Mets lost that day 8-1 as the Phillies won 6-1.

As I watched the replays of what may ostensibly be referred to as highlights from that Mets game late last night, and watched the crying faces of distraught Mets fans in the crowd, I could not help but feel how tragically and poetically this weekend played out. (My goodness people, why were you crying?!?!? You couldn't see this coming?!?!?)