Welcome! (I guess...)

For those of you who by some extremely unlikely set of circumstances happened to stumble upon this page, I apologize to you. For those of you who intentionally came to this page - yikes! As the title of the weblog indicates, these are my Ramblings About Whatever. There is a chance that I will ramble about just about anything (as I am in this introduction), but only a select few topics will actually make this site. Enjoy! (I guess...)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Spears-Federline Rankings - November 27, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Rankings for November 27, 2007

1. Kevin Federline (1) - Kevin Federline again tops the rankings and, according to the Committee, he is making quite the charge at being named Spears-Federline Person of the Year. What has Federline been doing to so impress the Committee? Or is it what has Federline not been doing that has not irritated the Committee? In this case, Federline has been very impressive. It seems that the magazine titled Details has name Federline one of the "50 Most Influential Men under 45." Now, no one on the Committee had ever heard of Details before this story came to light, but how can the Committee argue with such a labeling of Federline? Surely there cannot be fifty more influential men under the age of forty-five than Kevin Federline. Oh, wait. Apparently Federline is ranked seventh on the list alongside Larry Birkhead, the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby (note: Larry Birkhead's performance will place him at the top of the forthcoming Birkhead Rankings). Surely there cannot be seven more influential men under the age of forty-five than Kevin Federline. Though the Committee knew it would be a futile exercise (because Details has already told the world that there are only six), it decided to try to come up with seven. Let's see, Will Ferrell is only forty, and Lebron James turns twenty-three at the end of this year. That's two. I see that Diddy (or Puff Daddy or P. Diddy) just turned thirty-eight, and Mario Lopez is thirty-four. We're up to four already. David Beckham is only thirty-two and he still has some influence. So that's five. Let's see, only one more under 45... Oh! How about Ryan Seacrest! He turns thirty-three in about a month. Well there you have it. Just as Details says the Committee could only find six men under forty-five who are more influential than Federline. Way to go Kevin!

2. Britney Spears - At the other end of the spectrum, we have Britney Spears. As much as the Committee desperately wanted to move Spears back to the number one spot in the Spears-Federline Rankings (and in so doing mirror Spears's recent climb to number one in the Winehouse-Fielder-Civil Rankings), when Dr. Drew made the unequivocal statement that Britney is an addict, the Committee found itself overruled. While Kevin Federline is essentially being named co-father of the year by Details for allowing two of his four children to watch cartoons and trying his best to limit the time those two children spend with their drug addict mother, Britney Spears is the drug addict mother of two of Kevin Federline's children. The Committee didn't say it; Dr. Drew did. Let's recap: 1) Kevin Federline IS the father of the year and 2) Britney Spears is a drug addict.

Where is Barry Bonds on the Details list?

Note: Crap, the Committee was wrong. Ryan Seacrest is only number twenty on the list. And Barry Bonds comes in at number thirty-three...

The Fabio Conundrum

Fabio is one of the biggest mysteries in the world to me. I understand how he gained fame many years ago with the whole male model thing, but his continued fame mystifies me. Here is a man who is most noteworthy for appearing on the covers of countless romance novels during the 1980s and 1990s. Outside of this, what has he really done to garner so much of a fan following? Okay, I can understand the appeal that he had during the '80s and '90s when he still appeared on the cover of the novels, but I just don't understand it now. Truly, how does one explain a photo like the one seen in this article?

I'll get to the substance of the article momentarily, but I wish to discuss the picture itself first. In the photo Fabio stands with Kristen Bell and Hayden Panettiere, both of the show Heroes (and one of my favorite shows, by the way). And surprisingly to me, neither actress seems too creeped out that Fabio has a hand and arm on her. (Panettiere seems positively delighted in fact.) Call me crazy, but I would imagine that I would be a little creeped out if I was a girl and some dude who is known for appearing on the cover of romance novels and is old enough to be my father grasped me. Yes, I know it was just for a photo, but still... (Hayden, please, relax there for a moment...) At this point I would guess that Bell and Panettiere are each considerably more bankable stars than Fabio. I cannot imagine that either of them has read any of the novels, the covers on which Fabio has appeared. And I really cannot imagine that one of these actresses (okay, again, looking at the look of pure joy on Panettiere's face maybe I can imagine this out of her) would go up to Fabio and say, "I simply loved you in that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercial." This is what I call the Fabio Conundrum.

I think the argument can be made that Fabio has become a living parody of himself, if such a thing is possible. Consider for a moment this Nationwide commercial. Now I definitely laughed at the commercial the first time I saw it, and I still get a bit of a chuckle out of it, but am I laughing because the commercial is really that funny, or am I laughing because Fabio seems to be a veritable joke? I contend that I find the commercial funny because Fabio is such a joke. The only reason that this commercial is remotely funny is because of the romance novel cover model persona that has been created of Fabio. Fabio is making fun of this image of himself, and in so doing, has become a living parody of himself. I defy you to find an occasion in which you see Fabio and you derive entertainment out of him other than because he is a joke, a parody of himself.

But let us finally come back to the substance of the article. Let us believe for the moment that everything transpired just as the article claims Fabio says it did. First, try to imagine Fabio telling George Clooney, or anyone for that matter, "stop being a diva." I mean, mentally picture this happening. If you are like me, you are already laughing hysterically. In your mental picture, does he use just one hand or does he use both hands to clear the hair from his face as he is saying this? And does he have five or does he have just four of the buttons of his shirt unbuttoned? And if you are George Clooney and you are drunk or otherwise, and Fabio tells you to stop being a diva, how do you possibly react? Do you get scared and run out of the restaurant? Somehow I really don't see things playing out exactly like Fabio described. I can see Clooney laughing uncontrollably and stumbling out of the restaurant, but running scared?

Let's not forget that in the second season of the show Average Joe, the winner dumped a fairly hot girl because she revealed to him that she had once dated Fabio. This is the winner of some stupid reality show who is refusing to date a hot girl for no other reason than she once dated Fabio! If this does not put Fabio in perspective, I don't know what does... And that girl that was dumped because she dated Fabio, Larissa Meek, is only two years older than Kristen Bell. Kristen, maybe you should be a little creeped out...you too, Hayden.

The Fabio Conundrum...

Monday, November 26, 2007

Pepper Spray

I was depressed for much of this weekend. True, it was great to have a few days off from work, but days off from work always end with the dreadful prospect of returning to work. And so I dolefully came into the office this morning, and as fate would have it, I made a wonderful discovery. Do you know how at times you wonder whether certain competitions have begun to lose their pizzazz? For example, let's consider the New York Knicks and the Miami Heat. During the 1990s this was a great rivalry because the teams truly hated each other. You knew that during a game between the two there was a very good chance that you would see someone get punched or see the coach of one of the teams hanging on for dear life to the legs of one of the opposing players to try to prevent someone from getting punched. And now it's at a point where no one really cares about these teams. You get the picture. And so it was that I believed the state of beauty pageants to be until I read this.

That beauty pageant contestants hate one another is no surprise. All of that nonsense where the losers are hugging the winner and saying congratulations and the like is a total farce. The first runner-up is not happy for the winner. The second runner-up is not happy for the first runner-up. Each contestant despises the person who finished one position ahead of herself because she knows that that is one more person who will need to not be able to perform the duties required of the title in order for her to ascend to the throne. However, I would not have dreamed that the hatred reached women's figure skating levels. Let's be clear, the only time you would go out of your way to sabotage someone else's chances are if you don't really believe you have a chance to win (e.g., when Tonya Harding and her group of thugs attacked Nancy Kerrigan at the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships). But putting pepper spray in an opponent's gown? Spiking the opponent's makeup? And despite all of this, Ingrid Marie Rivera still won.

I'm not saying that I am once again on board as a beauty pageant fan. (I still don't think that I'm quite over that incident back in '98 when Miss Massachusetts was clearly robbed at the Miss America Pageant. Perhaps I never will...) But these are the sorts of things that could reinvigorate interest in beauty pageants. Where are we headed next in these beauty pageant battles? Will we see the camp for one contestant spiking another contestant's drink or something so that she stays on the tanning bed much longer than desired? I don't know, but buckle up; the beauty pageant thrill ride is back on the expressway.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Winehouse-Fielder-Civil Rankings - November 20, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Rankings for November 20, 2007

1. Britney Spears (1) - The Committee can be counted among those few people who know very little about Winehouse and Fielder-Civil. And since the Committee was tasked with coming up with something to say in these rankings, the Committee decided to go with someone it knows for the top spot: Britney Spears. Now sure, Spears has not had the greatest performance over the last couple of weeks. She has been ordered to refrain from driving with her children in the car with her. However, she can say triumphantly that her new album, Blackout, opened at number two on the Billboard 200 charts. Way to go Britney! Oh, and she can also say that she is not Amy Winehouse. The Committee never thought it would see the day when Spears could say without any sense of irony and without being accused of hypocrisy that someone else is a total lunatic. Sure, Spears's performance at this year's MTV Awards left much to be desired, but at least she is not Amy Winehouse.

2. Amy Winehouse - Wow... Wow... The Committee was truly unaware of Winehouse's existence until maybe two months ago. Why, you might ask? Well it is because the Committee has worked so tirelessly over the months compiling the Spears-Federline Rankings that it has had little time to do anything else. The Committee just assumed that Britney Spears was the standard by which veritable insanity should be judged, and the Committee, for once, was completely mistaken. The Committee hesitates to use any adjectives to directly describe Winehouse because the Committee realizes that if it does so, it can never again ascribe these adjectives to any other person. How does one describe a person who is drug addicted, bulimic, prone to self-harm, and puts on performances such as the one described here? If you don't want to read through the entire article, just read this quote from Winehouse when people started booing her:

"Let me tell you something. First of all, if you're booing, you're a mug for buying a ticket.
"Second, to all those booing, just wait till my husband gets out of incarceration -- and I mean that."

Wow... "...just wait till my husband gets out of incarceration -- and I mean that..." One can only imagine what Winehouse means by this. But trust me, whatever one does imagine it will assuredly not be what Amy Winehouse had in mind. Amy Winehouse is...Amy Winehouse.

When will Blake Fielder-Civil get out of incarceration?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Brady to Moss...Touchdown!

Let me just say this for the record, I absolutely love what the New England Patriots are doing. Although years ago I never would have rooted for the Patriots as I was continually irritated at having to hear about them during my college days, conditions have changed. I no longer live in Massachusetts and fantasy football has almost completely stripped my sense of loyalty. But even more so than those reasons I have already given, I am ecstatic about this New England Patriots' football season because of one man: Randy Moss.

Okay, so in the interest of full disclosure, Randy Moss is on one of my fantasy football teams this year. He is having a big season with sixteen touchdown receptions through ten games. But even if he were not on my team I would still relish the fact that he is enjoying success because it surely pisses off so many other people out there. And who are these people who are certainly annoyed by Moss's success? Well, I would imagine the people who whined incessantly when Moss said, "I play when I want to play," would have to be upset. Also, I would imagine that Joe Buck, who threw a little crybaby hissy fit when Moss fake mooned some Green Bay fans in the playoffs a few years ago, can't be very pleased.

Randy Moss and fantasy football aside, though, what the Patriots are doing is so great because it breeds another form of whining: the whine that the Patriots are running up the score. Let's make things clear; I do believe the Patriots are running up the score. But do you know what? I don't care. I'll tell you when I would care about whether the Patriots were running up the score. I would care if the Patriots were in a league with a bunch of sixth graders and there was a chance that either one of sixth graders would start to cry or an idiot parent of a sixth grader would do something stupid on the field because the Patriots were running up the score. But I'll tell you when I won't care; I won't care when the Patriots are running up the score against grown men being paid millions of dollars to stop them in the highest league of professional football in the world. You're playing against the Patriots and you don't like that Tom Brady is still throwing touchdown passes with the Patriots up 42-7? Well then, I'll give you three options. Try harder playing defense and prevent them from scoring, execute better on offense so that you keep the ball out of Tom Brady's hands, or surrender the rest of your paycheck for the year and buy a ticket to the game where you can boo and complain to your heart's content.

The best thing about this situation is that the Patriots' coach, Bill Belichick, seems more than willing to run up the score despite all of the crying coming from a lot of other people around the league. The Patriots have scored 411 points through the first ten games of the season. Here's hoping they score precisely 255 points over the last six games of the regular season. Ah, 666 points: never would a number be more symbolic.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Return to the Twenty-First Century

On October 26, 2007, two events took place that would change the course of history as we know it. Paris Hilton went forward with her decision to be cryonically preserved so that she could wake up near the middle of the twenty-second century. While simultaneously, thousands of miles away, Superman donned his red briefs over his blue tights and began to fly swiftly around the Earth, into the future, to discover whether some little girl who was rescued from a bear attack would grow into a ridiculously hot chick in fifteen years. But things went terribly wrong...

Both Paris Hilton and Superman find that they have arrived much farther into the future than they originally planned to travel. They find that they have travelled all the way to the year 2627. Hilton discovers that while her mind has not aged, her body has - by 620 years. And Superman discovers that he has arrived in a time and place where the laws of physics cannot be violated. The two join forces in their quest to return to the twenty-first century...

Chapter I - Arrival in 2627

Clinton Township, Michigan - A lab technician momentarily nods off while monitoring the patients in suspended animation. In those brief minutes, the liquid nitrogen level preserving one of the inhabitants drops to a dangerously low level. While there are alarms in place to alert the workers of such a condition, things go terribly awry. Inside the containment unit, Resident #61181991 slowly begins to move her eyelids...

Houston, Texas - High above the heads of those going about their business in Houston, an object streaking through the sky begins to slow down. Houston, the home of the US space program, is used to seeing objects flying through the air, but this one is a little different. This flying object is blue, and if you are able to move your head especially fast, you might see a bit of a red speckle...

Clinton Township, Michigan - Waking up can be a disorienting experience on any occasion, and waking from a coma, needless to say, is significantly more intense. But comas rarely last more than five weeks. Just think of waking from a coma that lasts just a bit longer, a coma that lasts 620 years. That's what it was like when Paris Hilton stepped out her suspension chamber, and it was not long before she stumbled past a chamber where another resident slept and caught a glimpse of her reflection. She let out a horrified scream...

Houston, Texas - Slowing ever more, and finally coming to a halt while descending to the ground level, it becomes clear that there is something strangely familiar about this red and blue "object." Or at least if this was when this traveler had intended to touch down, there would have been several who would have recognized him. But the man named Kal-El at birth had erred slightly in his time travel. He would soon realize that he has traveled 605 years further in the future than his intention. When the first people saw him land wearing red briefs over blue tights, there was nothing they could do but laugh hysterically...

To be continued...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Miley Cyrus Fan Club v. Miley Cyrus Fan Club

Okay, this is getting out of hand. This is the second time in two weeks that I'm discussing this Hannah Montana phenomenon, and thus I am introducing its own label. (Congratulations, Hannah Montana! You've finally made it!) Apparently, there is a class action lawsuit in the works that is seeking damages from the Miley Cyrus Fan Club. For those who are unaware, Miley Cyrus is the actress who plays the Hannah Montana character and is also the daughter of one of the more unfortunate musical acts the 1990s produced, Billy Ray Cyrus. (He used to wear a mullet!) Now ordinarily, I am all for big class action lawsuits that punish big business crooks who have profited by sticking it to the consumer. But this situation is a bit more complicated, and so I must provide some context to explain my decision as to which side to join.

On the one hand, you have the poor complainants. I sympathize with them because though I am in no way, shape, or form a fan of Miley Cyrus or her alter ego, I, too, have been screwed over by big business in the past. Though I cannot come up with a single instance of this happening, I know for a fact that it has because I have dealt with big business in the past and this is what big business does: screw people over. That's a point to the complainants.

Conversely, in reading through the article, it seems to me that the maximum any of these people lost was the $29.95 yearly price for joining this club. There was never, ever, ever any guarantee that by joining this club members would definitely receive tickets to performances. (At least the lawsuit does not claim this as a guarantee.) If this condition were guaranteed, trust me, membership would have cost considerably more than $29.95 a year. And who is to say that those people who did win the "Hannah Montana Ticket Lottery" but then went on to scalp the tickets for much higher prices were not members. If these people were members, and did end up getting tickets through the membership, then the fan club could potentially justify the claim that members do have an easier chance to win tickets.

Compelling arguments on both sides, I know, and you must certainly be wondering on which side I will come down. Let me state here and now that I join the Miley Cyrus Fan Club. By doing so, and by paying the small fee of $29.95 a year, it seems clear that I will have a greater chance of getting Hannah Montana tickets than if I were not a member. Now of course I have no real interest in seeing this show, and so if I do not win this year, oh well, that's $29.95 down the drain. But if I do win, I hear that there is big money in scalping Hannah Montana tickets.

See how this works?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

It's a New World Record!

Okay, now for some more news that everyone cares about! Did you know that there was a world record broken yesterday? It's true! Just read for yourself. I'm quite certain that you join me in congratulating Jackie "Texas Snake Man" Bibby in breaking the world record of sitting in a bathtub with the most rattlesnakes for forty-five minutes. Or at least I think that this is which sitting in a bathtub with rattlesnakes record that the Texas Snake Man broke. (It's been awhile since I consulted my Guinness Book of World Records to see what are the different categories of records for sitting in a bathtub with rattlesnakes.)

The great thing about this world record is that the Texas Snake Man just didn't break the record, he destroyed it. By using eighty-seven snakes in this most recent attempt, he beat his own previous world record by twelve snakes. Twelve snakes people! That's ten more snakes than the requisite for the movie Snakes on a Plane! I mean Asafa Powell of Jamaica broke his own world record in the 100 meter dash this year by a measly .03 seconds and people went crazy. However, Jackie "Texas Snake Man" Bibby breaks his world record by twelve snakes, I repeat, by twelve snakes and there is barely a mention of the feat.

But what's next for the Texas Snake Man? I'm glad you asked. Unfortunately, I don't have quite as much time or effort to spare as evidently the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records do, and thus I will not be able to make it out to Dublin, Texas to conduct an in-depth interview with the newest world record breaker. However, I can tell you some of the questions I would ask....

What's next for you? Will you go for, and I can't believe I'm possibly saying this, but will you go for 103 rattlesnakes on your next attempt? Your bathtub didn't seem to be completely full the last time; do you think that you could have had eighty-eight rattlesnakes placed in the tub? How about eighty-nine? Do you think that you would have been able to make it to fifty-one minutes, or would fatigue have set in? Or do you already hold the world record for sitting in a bathtub with eighty-seven rattlesnakes for fifty-one minutes? How would the dynamics of your record attempt have changed if you did it on board a plane that was in flight with Samuel L. Jackson present? Without Samuel L. Jackson present?

You see, these are great questions! If only I had time to get out to Dublin, Texas...

Childhood Obesity Solved

I came across this story yesterday and I'm stunned that I finally have found something that I agree with 100%. The following quote is the first paragraph from the article:
Here's another reason to get the kids to bed early: More sleep may lower their risk of becoming obese. Researchers have found that every additional hour per night a third-grader spends sleeping reduces the child's chances of being obese in sixth grade by 40 percent.

Okay, that first paragraph said it all to me and thus I did not have to read any more. It all makes perfect sense to me now. I have noticed that I have seen many more fat kids these days, certainly more than I can remember seeing as I was growing up. So inspired am I at having seen so many fat kids in recent years that I have written a song that I am debuting here for the first time ever. It is to the tune of Old McDonald Had a Farm. I hope you like it!

Houston, Texas has some schools, E I E I O
And at these schools it has some kids, E I E I O
With a fat kid here and a fat kid there,
Here's a kid, yes, he's fat, everywhere a fat kid!
Houston, Texas has some kids, E I E I O!

(You get the picture. If you wish to sing along for a few more verses, just substitute your town and state for Houston and Texas. Be creative!)

And of course the only possible reason that these kids are so fat is that they are not getting enough sleep. And so this clearly, logically says to me that every hour that a kid is not in bed, he is gorging himself like there is no tomorrow. I mean this obviously explains why my parents continuously had shackles on the refrigerator doors every night as we grew up. They knew that if were not sleeping, there was only one possible thing that we could be doing: heading toward the fridge to get fat. Well, I know I never say this enough, but thanks mom and dad!

And all of you teachers in schools, this means that you have two simple directives to undertake: more nap time and less book learning. We cannot possibly allow the children to continue to get fat at this alarming rate, so don't wake them up if they start to doze off in class. More sleeping and less doing of other stuff will solve our child obesity problem.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Spears-Federline Rankings - November 5, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Rankings for November 5, 2007

1. Kevin Federline (1) - The Committee finally decided that Kevin Federline deserved a return to the number one spot in the Spears-Federline rankings and is currently of the belief that maybe Federline never should have dropped in the rankings. The simple reason for this is that the Committee members, just like any other sensible people, do not enjoy working and thus are being kept way too busy having to keep up with all of the screw-ups in which Spears is continually involved. Perhaps it is not a lesson that should be taught to impressionable youths, but in this case, Federline must be rewarded for doing nothing.

2. Britney Spears - The Committee did not penalize Spears in the first incident when she ran over someone's foot with her car. On the contrary, the Committee actually rewarded Spears for having left a tire mark on a paparazzo's sock. The Committee believes that it must suck a lot to have idiots follow you around with nothing better to do than to take your picture. But running over a cop's feet? Come on Britney! The cops did not even arrest you when they booked you a few weeks back, and this is how you show your thanks?!? Moreover, given that Spears lost all physical custody of the kids due to violating an order from the judge that neither of the two parents, Spears or Federline, should transport the children unless in possession of a valid California driver's license, one would have thought that after running over the cop's feet that she would have at least been stopped to see if she did have the license. But what really caused the need for the Committee to convene and create new rankings were the dangerous rumors that Spears was getting cozy with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. This would be absolutely unacceptable since one of the Committee members has Tony Romo on one of his fantasy football teams and does not need Britney Spears train-wrecking Tony Romo's season and in the course of doing so, train-wrecking the Committee member's fantasy football team's season. (Yes, that was a mouthful.) To his credit, Romo denies rumor of any relationship, and his performance last night in destroying the Philadelphia Eagles suggests that there is nothing to this gossip. Britney, here's a suggestion; if you want to earn good favor with the Committee, then stay away from Tony Romo, Randy Moss, Braylon Edwards, and Clinton Portis.

What's that Britney? Is Tom Brady available?

Friday, November 2, 2007

The Misadventures of the Fun Police: South Carolina

You've had it happen to you before, you take a little boy's ice cream cone and run around laughing because you know he can't catch you until some adult comes out and scolds you, telling you to give the boy back his ice cream, or you're having a perfectly good time swatting butterflies with your suit jacket on the roof of the church until your mom scolds you and tells you to come down off of the roof. These are both perfect examples of the Fun Police getting in the way of good natured fun. Allow me to give you a recent example of the Fun Police striking again...

It seems the Fun Police are at it again. This time the Fun Police take the form of the South Carolina Democrats executive council. It seems that yesterday, or perhaps two days ago, the executive council voted to keep Stephen Colbert's name off of the ballot in the upcoming South Carolina Democratic Primary. Now I don't want to accuse the entire South Carolina Democrats executive council of being members of the Fun Police, just the thirteen of the sixteen that voted to keep Colbert off of the ballot. Oh, so he's trying to treat South Carolina Democrats like suckers and he detracts from the serious candidates on the ballot, they claim. Oh will the Fun Police never learn? Your tactics are transparent. You just fear that Colbert may actually get more votes than say, rock man or UFO boy. Oh Fun Police of the South Carolina Democrats executive council, you must ask yourselves this question: do you choose to keep Stephen Colbert off of the ballot because you believe that South Carolina Democrats are suckers? Please Fun Police, you can at least take solace in the fact that evidently Colbert would be trying to treat South Carolina Republicans as suckers too. Well, at least the Republicans are charging him more to make their party members look like suckers...

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Oh the Humanity

So I came across this story, and needless to say, I'm outraged. All people should be as outraged as I am because what has this world come to when parents cannot take their children to Hannah Montana concerts without paying exorbitant prices? But before going any further in this discussion, there is something very troubling that I noticed that is largely unrelated to the subject of the article. In the current form of the article, in creating the plural of the term attorney general, the author chose to write attorney generals. This is absolutely inexcusable since the noun in the term is attorney and thus the plural is properly formed as attorneys general. Okay, there, I'm done whining about grammatical errors (and by the way, errors like the one discussed really irk me to no end) and can get back to the real point of the discussion...

This situation is quite comical to me because I did touch on this subject to a degree many months ago. Parents, I'm speaking to you directly here again. I know that you love your kids and you want to see them happy, but you have to protect your own interests at the same time. You know that most children's programming like Hannah Montana is atrocious and you can imagine that you would rather be doing just about anything other than sitting and watching the show with your child(ren). However, you realize that it's good to spend quality time with your kids and you keep your mouth shut while reluctantly sitting and watching. Right? Wrong! At least going forward you should not do this. Just follow my plan.

Purchase the DVDs of programming that you enjoyed as a kid, but making certain it is actually "children's programming" and not the adult videos that you took out of your parents' room each time they left you with the babysitter. As an example, I already have The Transformers and Batman: the Animated Series on DVD and these would be perfect candidates. Tell your kids that you have great new shows that your kids simply have to watch and produce the DVDs. When your kids complain, as they inevitably will, that they want to watch Hannah Montana, you have but one recourse, and this is very important: lie to them. Face it, you are already good at doing this, what with having convinced them that the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, leprechauns, and David Hasselhoff exist. So when your child complains to you, "I want to watch Hannah Montana," say to her/him, "Stop complaining and watch The Transformers, otherwise Santa won't bring you any presents for Christmas." And then on Christmas, when your kids open their presents, see that they have received Transformers toys when they had asked for Hannah Montana dolls, and complain about this fact, you can tell them that Santa thought that they wanted Transformers since they had enjoyed watching the DVDs so much. And then you'll have perfectly new Transformers toys that you can play with and you have avoided spending hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on useless Hannah Montana tickets. Everyone's happy.