Just like most rational people out there, I have utter disdain for those who would harm animals. Acts of cruelty against such cute, defenseless critters cannot be tolerated. And for this reason I would like to voice my unconditional support for the brave individual (or individuals) who orchestrated the daring rescue of the rabbit Sugar Bunny from a Spokane, Washington preschool.
The heroes in this story apparently were protesting circus animal acts in rescuing poor Sugar Bunny and I agree that there can be no possible better way to protest using animals in circus acts than to steal, err...rescue a rabbit from the clutches of vile preschoolers. Oh the sort of trauma that Sugar Bunny must have been exposed to while in that class! All that poor grammar! (I'm in pain!) Having to suffer through nap time! (The agony!) The finger painting and the story time! (Oh the humanity!) Take that you evil ringmasters, and you also take that, you dreaded preschooler bunny rabbit owners!
Of course I know not where this valiant savior of mistreated animals will appear next, but my only hope is that the days when goldfish are horribly mistreated in the various parts of this country are numbered.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Spears-Federline Rankings - September 26, 2007
There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.
Rankings for September 26, 2007
1. Kevin Federline (1) - After a one ranking absence from the top spot, Kevin Federline once again retakes the number one position. Considering that the Committee almost always ranks Federline number one, it is highly considering leaving him in this spot permanently. Or check that, the Committee has decided that instead of doing this, it will make things up about what Federline has been doing and see if what Britney Spears has been doing actually tops this. Loyal readers of the Spears-Federline Rankings will remember that the Committee tried this before, and was unsuccessful in finding a possible way that Britney Spears through her real actions could actually take the top spot. This time the Committee will go one step further and make things up that Federline has been doing while the entire Committee is completely drunk. Let's see, Kevin Federline was Tasered for stealing a bunny rabbit at a preschool? Okay, how about Kevin Federline has reforged the One Ring and become the evil Dark Lord Sauron reborn? Well, evil acts like this should certainly allow Britney Spears to move up to number one...
2. Britney Spears - Oh but no, Britney Spears's real life world is an utter disaster. It truly is amazing when drunken people cannot use their imaginations to come up with more damning evidence of a person's decline than real life evidence provides for another person. It has almost gotten to the point where the Committee is completely exhausted because of all of the meetings that have been taking place discussing new information on whatever it is that has become of Britney Spears's life. Train wreck cannot describe this any longer. Let's see, since the last rankings there have been allegations of drug use among other things by a former bodyguard, she has been ordered to undergo drug and alcohol tests to keep any custody of her kids, and she has been charged with hit-and-run while driving without a license. And only two weeks have passed since the last rankings! But never fear, at least someone (warning, unedited for language) has Spears's back. The Committee weeps for Ms. Spears...
The Committee will see you again with the new rankings...tomorrow?
Rankings for September 26, 2007
1. Kevin Federline (1) - After a one ranking absence from the top spot, Kevin Federline once again retakes the number one position. Considering that the Committee almost always ranks Federline number one, it is highly considering leaving him in this spot permanently. Or check that, the Committee has decided that instead of doing this, it will make things up about what Federline has been doing and see if what Britney Spears has been doing actually tops this. Loyal readers of the Spears-Federline Rankings will remember that the Committee tried this before, and was unsuccessful in finding a possible way that Britney Spears through her real actions could actually take the top spot. This time the Committee will go one step further and make things up that Federline has been doing while the entire Committee is completely drunk. Let's see, Kevin Federline was Tasered for stealing a bunny rabbit at a preschool? Okay, how about Kevin Federline has reforged the One Ring and become the evil Dark Lord Sauron reborn? Well, evil acts like this should certainly allow Britney Spears to move up to number one...
2. Britney Spears - Oh but no, Britney Spears's real life world is an utter disaster. It truly is amazing when drunken people cannot use their imaginations to come up with more damning evidence of a person's decline than real life evidence provides for another person. It has almost gotten to the point where the Committee is completely exhausted because of all of the meetings that have been taking place discussing new information on whatever it is that has become of Britney Spears's life. Train wreck cannot describe this any longer. Let's see, since the last rankings there have been allegations of drug use among other things by a former bodyguard, she has been ordered to undergo drug and alcohol tests to keep any custody of her kids, and she has been charged with hit-and-run while driving without a license. And only two weeks have passed since the last rankings! But never fear, at least someone (warning, unedited for language) has Spears's back. The Committee weeps for Ms. Spears...
The Committee will see you again with the new rankings...tomorrow?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Utter Outrage
I read this story (or perhaps I should say I read part of the story) and must say that I am utterly outraged. However, I'm having a little bit of difficulty deciding precisely why I'm outraged. I'm outraged! There are obviously two sources of the pure fury that welled up within me upon reading the article and I feel that now is the appropriate time to discuss them.
What has become of our great nation when a man can no longer go out to a bar (or perhaps even sit at home by himself), get David Hasselhoff level plastered, and then climb into the chimney of his ex-girlfriend's residence in an attempt to win back her heart? What indeed has happened? Would the Founding Fathers have approved of such harsh treatment of a man who was simply exercising his rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through booze and breaking into his ex-girlfriend's home through the chimney? Well, the Founding Fathers are no longer around to answer this question, but it is my belief that these very worthy thinkers would answer this question with a resounding NO! I cry for the state of the nation.
But the questions for the Founding Fathers resulting from this incident have regrettably not all been posed. What has become of this nation when an honest woman cannot defend her property from meddling firefighters wishing to save a drunkard who has climbed into her chimney? What has become of this nation indeed?!?!? It would have been one thing if the firefighters were there to fight a fire, but has it not been said by the great scholars that a woman's home is her castle? What would the Founding Fathers say? What say you George Washington? What say you Ben Franklin? Would this fair American woman have been similarly cited if it were an Englishman or a squirrel similarly invading her home? The Founders would not tolerate such an encroachment on liberty! For was it not Alexander Hamilton who said Give me Liberty or Give me Death?!?!?
And there you have it. I cannot hide my outrage. I am outraged that a drunk decided to climb into his ex-girlfriend's chimney when it seems she did not want him back and got himself stuck in the process. I am similarly outraged that the ex-girlfriend decided to call the fire department or police (who else could have made the call) and then decided to interfere when a rescue was attempted. This nation, I'm afraid, is falling apart...
What has become of our great nation when a man can no longer go out to a bar (or perhaps even sit at home by himself), get David Hasselhoff level plastered, and then climb into the chimney of his ex-girlfriend's residence in an attempt to win back her heart? What indeed has happened? Would the Founding Fathers have approved of such harsh treatment of a man who was simply exercising his rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through booze and breaking into his ex-girlfriend's home through the chimney? Well, the Founding Fathers are no longer around to answer this question, but it is my belief that these very worthy thinkers would answer this question with a resounding NO! I cry for the state of the nation.
But the questions for the Founding Fathers resulting from this incident have regrettably not all been posed. What has become of this nation when an honest woman cannot defend her property from meddling firefighters wishing to save a drunkard who has climbed into her chimney? What has become of this nation indeed?!?!? It would have been one thing if the firefighters were there to fight a fire, but has it not been said by the great scholars that a woman's home is her castle? What would the Founding Fathers say? What say you George Washington? What say you Ben Franklin? Would this fair American woman have been similarly cited if it were an Englishman or a squirrel similarly invading her home? The Founders would not tolerate such an encroachment on liberty! For was it not Alexander Hamilton who said Give me Liberty or Give me Death?!?!?
And there you have it. I cannot hide my outrage. I am outraged that a drunk decided to climb into his ex-girlfriend's chimney when it seems she did not want him back and got himself stuck in the process. I am similarly outraged that the ex-girlfriend decided to call the fire department or police (who else could have made the call) and then decided to interfere when a rescue was attempted. This nation, I'm afraid, is falling apart...
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy
Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.
Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…
09-19-xxxx - I really do enjoy helping people - fighting for those who are not able to fight for themselves. The way I look at it, I'm really fighting for truth, I'm fighting for justice, and it really feels great to go out there and save a person's life so that he or she is able to go home and see his or her family. Some people just aren't that lucky.
Obviously this isn't something that has just come to mind now. I have been thinking about this for a long time. I've been thinking about so much especially in reference to my friend Bruce Wayne. He's Batman, and I feel free to reveal his identity in this my diary because I know that there is no possibility that anyone else will ever read it. But as I was saying, Bruce has given so much, he's saved so many lives. It's a shame that he had to experience such a loss at such an early age when his parents were murdered. But do you know what? I can do something about that. All it will take is one serving of body-length blue tights, a pinch of red briefs, and a hefty dose of relativity violating time travel. I'll go back in time and save Bruce's parents as a gift to him because he has given so much...
Ha, ha, ha, ha - just kidding! No, I mean I really am going to go back in time and save Bruce's parents, but because that will mean that he will never become Batman. Let's be honest, all those people that Batman has been saving, I could have very easily saved them myself. Come on people; I'm Superman! And without Batman hanging around all of the time, Wonder Woman will finally come to her senses and realize that the Man of Steel is the only one that any of the chicks should ever want. Caped Crusader... What a joke.
Now where did I put those red briefs...
Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…
09-19-xxxx - I really do enjoy helping people - fighting for those who are not able to fight for themselves. The way I look at it, I'm really fighting for truth, I'm fighting for justice, and it really feels great to go out there and save a person's life so that he or she is able to go home and see his or her family. Some people just aren't that lucky.
Obviously this isn't something that has just come to mind now. I have been thinking about this for a long time. I've been thinking about so much especially in reference to my friend Bruce Wayne. He's Batman, and I feel free to reveal his identity in this my diary because I know that there is no possibility that anyone else will ever read it. But as I was saying, Bruce has given so much, he's saved so many lives. It's a shame that he had to experience such a loss at such an early age when his parents were murdered. But do you know what? I can do something about that. All it will take is one serving of body-length blue tights, a pinch of red briefs, and a hefty dose of relativity violating time travel. I'll go back in time and save Bruce's parents as a gift to him because he has given so much...
Ha, ha, ha, ha - just kidding! No, I mean I really am going to go back in time and save Bruce's parents, but because that will mean that he will never become Batman. Let's be honest, all those people that Batman has been saving, I could have very easily saved them myself. Come on people; I'm Superman! And without Batman hanging around all of the time, Wonder Woman will finally come to her senses and realize that the Man of Steel is the only one that any of the chicks should ever want. Caped Crusader... What a joke.
Now where did I put those red briefs...
Monday, September 17, 2007
The Evils of Fantasy Football
It is quite unfortunate that I have to admit this, but I have finally officially become 100% corrupted by fantasy football. But in order to adequately describe the nature of my fall, I must provide a little background. The background is that I have been a fan of the New York Football Giants for roughly twenty years now and that I vehemently hated the Dallas Cowboys for the majority of the 1990s. Okay, now that the history is out of the way, I can dive into the discovery of my full corruption.
The current NFL season started within the past two weeks and as luck would have it, the New York Football Giants were scheduled to play against the Dallas Cowboys during the first Sunday Night Football telecast of the year on NBC. This was good since it meant that I could watch the game at home. And for the record, if the game was not to be broadcast on a television station that I received, I would almost assuredly not have gone anywhere else to see it. It was perhaps just plain luck that I happened to have the Giant quarterback Eli Manning on both of my fantasy teams, but it was my presumed wisdom that caused me to leave him on the bench in the first week in both leagues. You see, my wisdom was confirmed by the performance of my starter in one league, Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, but this supposed wisdom was utterly refuted by my starting quarterback in my other league, Bills quarterback JP Losman. It is use of Romo that I would like to discuss in greater depth.
As I have already indicated, Tony Romo plays for the Dallas Cowboys. And also as I have stated, I hated the Cowboys for the better part of the 1990s. But there is certainly more that acts as confirming evidence of utter fall. Tony Romo has been linked to 2005 American Idol winner Carrie Underwood. Anyone who knows me well knows that my abhorrence for this show reaches incalculable heights. The fact that I have a player on my fantasy team that is linked with an American Idol contestant is even more disturbing to me than the fact that I was actually openly cheering when Romo threw a touchdown pass to Terrell Owens because that helped both of my fantasy teams.
And finally, when Eli Manning went down with an apparent shoulder injury late in that game, would you like to know what was my initial thought? Damn...this is not going to be good for my fantasy teams. I have indeed fallen extremely far...
The current NFL season started within the past two weeks and as luck would have it, the New York Football Giants were scheduled to play against the Dallas Cowboys during the first Sunday Night Football telecast of the year on NBC. This was good since it meant that I could watch the game at home. And for the record, if the game was not to be broadcast on a television station that I received, I would almost assuredly not have gone anywhere else to see it. It was perhaps just plain luck that I happened to have the Giant quarterback Eli Manning on both of my fantasy teams, but it was my presumed wisdom that caused me to leave him on the bench in the first week in both leagues. You see, my wisdom was confirmed by the performance of my starter in one league, Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, but this supposed wisdom was utterly refuted by my starting quarterback in my other league, Bills quarterback JP Losman. It is use of Romo that I would like to discuss in greater depth.
As I have already indicated, Tony Romo plays for the Dallas Cowboys. And also as I have stated, I hated the Cowboys for the better part of the 1990s. But there is certainly more that acts as confirming evidence of utter fall. Tony Romo has been linked to 2005 American Idol winner Carrie Underwood. Anyone who knows me well knows that my abhorrence for this show reaches incalculable heights. The fact that I have a player on my fantasy team that is linked with an American Idol contestant is even more disturbing to me than the fact that I was actually openly cheering when Romo threw a touchdown pass to Terrell Owens because that helped both of my fantasy teams.
And finally, when Eli Manning went down with an apparent shoulder injury late in that game, would you like to know what was my initial thought? Damn...this is not going to be good for my fantasy teams. I have indeed fallen extremely far...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Clubbing 'em Over the Head
Only a short three weeks remain until the premiere of the television program that is millions of years in the making. For my friends, on October 2, 2007 on the ABC network the show Cavemen will debut to eager audiences across the United States.
For those unaware, and you would almost have to have not viewed a program on television since the last time a caveman actually roamed the Earth to be unaware, this Cavemen program is inspired by the cavemen portrayals in the advertisements of the auto insurance company GEICO. In these commercials, the cavemen are routinely offended by the GEICO slogan concerning the GEICO website, "so easy a caveman could do it." And so according to wikipedia, Variety magazine reports that the show "will revolve around three pre-historic men who must battle prejudice as they attempt to live as normal thirtysomethings in modern Atlanta." Now that sounds just great - these cavemen should not allow people to prejudge who they are. After all, they are modern, intelligent, cultured, and reside in really swell abodes. That's really great stuff, but the premise of this show is fatally flawed. Oh, people will still watch it, but the premise of the program is still irretrievably flawed.
When all is said and done, what is it that truly makes a caveman a caveman? Oh, that's right, a caveman has to live in a cave!!!! Where do these so-called cavemen live? Why, they appear from the commercials to live in luxury apartments. Now, I have no problem with these guys owning nice digs and having lots of cash on hand, but if you are going to call yourself a caveman, it seems a necessary condition to me that you must spend a not insignificant portion of your time within a cave. Or maybe the argument is being made that these guys really are cavemen from millions of years ago who are living in the present day. Well, in that case, they are not "thirtysomethings," they are millionsomethings and they would spend the majority of their days wandering the streets clubbing women over the heads.
Just because someone is really hairy does not mean that he is a caveman. Enjoy this crappy show if you must, but I won't be watching it.
For those unaware, and you would almost have to have not viewed a program on television since the last time a caveman actually roamed the Earth to be unaware, this Cavemen program is inspired by the cavemen portrayals in the advertisements of the auto insurance company GEICO. In these commercials, the cavemen are routinely offended by the GEICO slogan concerning the GEICO website, "so easy a caveman could do it." And so according to wikipedia, Variety magazine reports that the show "will revolve around three pre-historic men who must battle prejudice as they attempt to live as normal thirtysomethings in modern Atlanta." Now that sounds just great - these cavemen should not allow people to prejudge who they are. After all, they are modern, intelligent, cultured, and reside in really swell abodes. That's really great stuff, but the premise of this show is fatally flawed. Oh, people will still watch it, but the premise of the program is still irretrievably flawed.
When all is said and done, what is it that truly makes a caveman a caveman? Oh, that's right, a caveman has to live in a cave!!!! Where do these so-called cavemen live? Why, they appear from the commercials to live in luxury apartments. Now, I have no problem with these guys owning nice digs and having lots of cash on hand, but if you are going to call yourself a caveman, it seems a necessary condition to me that you must spend a not insignificant portion of your time within a cave. Or maybe the argument is being made that these guys really are cavemen from millions of years ago who are living in the present day. Well, in that case, they are not "thirtysomethings," they are millionsomethings and they would spend the majority of their days wandering the streets clubbing women over the heads.
Just because someone is really hairy does not mean that he is a caveman. Enjoy this crappy show if you must, but I won't be watching it.
Spears-Federline Rankings - September 11, 2007
There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.
Rankings for September 11, 2007
1. Britney Spears of 1999 (1) - The Britney Spears 1999 version tops this edition of the rankings after an incredibly strong performance (relatively speaking, of course). Spears 1999 was in the midst of incredible inertial mediocrity. Hot off the success of "...Baby One More Time," Spears 1999 was at the pinnacle of her career. She was young, she was sweet, she was only seventeen. It was almost as if she was a dancing queen. She was dating a future musical star in the person of Justin Timberlake, and she was lusted after by millions of guys sitting in their underwear in their parents' basements who were counting down the days until her eighteenth birthday. Now true, these guys neglected the fact that she was not really that attractive at all and that they would never really have a chance with her anyway, but that did not matter, she was still under eighteen. She rode her unbelievably mediocre talent all the way to a Grammy nomination (she actually had multiple nominations) for Best New Artist where she ultimately lost to one who truly has talent, Christina Aguilera. Well done Britney Spears 1999!
2. Britney Spears of 2007 - Britney Spears 2007 is on the comeback trail and her recent successes nearly boosted her into the coveted number one position. Spears 2007 has suffered through a rough patch for much of this year, getting steamrolled frequently by perennially number one ranked Kevin Federline. However, Britney 2007 is back! Making a triumphant return at the recent MTV Video Music Awards, Britney showed the world that she's back and almost as mediocre as ever. Now, no one from the Committee actually watched the VMAs (note: the Committee as a rule does not watch awards shows), but from what the Committee has been told, Britney sounded terrific. Britney did not stumble over any words, although the Committee has been told that her mouth movements were not always in sync with the song. You see there, Spears 2007 has developed the skill of ventriloquy! That's something that Spears 1999 did not bring to the table. This new talent was determined by the Committee to be a boost to her rankings climb. And based on the reports about what Spears 2007 was wearing during her performance, the Committee can only assume that Spears is as hot as ever. Since Spears is no longer with husband Kevin Federline, all those guys sitting in their underwear in their parents' basements have renewed hopes. Keep hope alive! Excellent effort Spears 2007, but maybe next time...
How will Kevin Federline counter back?!?!?
Rankings for September 11, 2007
1. Britney Spears of 1999 (1) - The Britney Spears 1999 version tops this edition of the rankings after an incredibly strong performance (relatively speaking, of course). Spears 1999 was in the midst of incredible inertial mediocrity. Hot off the success of "...Baby One More Time," Spears 1999 was at the pinnacle of her career. She was young, she was sweet, she was only seventeen. It was almost as if she was a dancing queen. She was dating a future musical star in the person of Justin Timberlake, and she was lusted after by millions of guys sitting in their underwear in their parents' basements who were counting down the days until her eighteenth birthday. Now true, these guys neglected the fact that she was not really that attractive at all and that they would never really have a chance with her anyway, but that did not matter, she was still under eighteen. She rode her unbelievably mediocre talent all the way to a Grammy nomination (she actually had multiple nominations) for Best New Artist where she ultimately lost to one who truly has talent, Christina Aguilera. Well done Britney Spears 1999!
2. Britney Spears of 2007 - Britney Spears 2007 is on the comeback trail and her recent successes nearly boosted her into the coveted number one position. Spears 2007 has suffered through a rough patch for much of this year, getting steamrolled frequently by perennially number one ranked Kevin Federline. However, Britney 2007 is back! Making a triumphant return at the recent MTV Video Music Awards, Britney showed the world that she's back and almost as mediocre as ever. Now, no one from the Committee actually watched the VMAs (note: the Committee as a rule does not watch awards shows), but from what the Committee has been told, Britney sounded terrific. Britney did not stumble over any words, although the Committee has been told that her mouth movements were not always in sync with the song. You see there, Spears 2007 has developed the skill of ventriloquy! That's something that Spears 1999 did not bring to the table. This new talent was determined by the Committee to be a boost to her rankings climb. And based on the reports about what Spears 2007 was wearing during her performance, the Committee can only assume that Spears is as hot as ever. Since Spears is no longer with husband Kevin Federline, all those guys sitting in their underwear in their parents' basements have renewed hopes. Keep hope alive! Excellent effort Spears 2007, but maybe next time...
How will Kevin Federline counter back?!?!?
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Am I Fredo?
It occurred to me one day as I was sort of daydreaming while sitting at work that I really should ask a fundamental question of myself. And if you have bothered to read the title of this post, you would know that question to be, am I Fredo? And of course this is in reference to the Godfather character Fredo Corleone. You see, it just dawned on me that I have an older brother, a younger brother, and a sister who is the youngest of us four. And upon just now discovering this, I realized that in the Godfather movies, the Fredo character does so as well. So the question remains; am I Fredo?
The simple answer to this question is no, of course. I cannot possibly be Fredo since as far as I am aware, my father is not now, nor has he ever been involved in the olive oil business. However, I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everyone says...like dumb...I'm smart and I want respect! Also, as far as I know, my older brother has never found an orphan boy from off the street who has come to stay with us.
I suppose then that I am not Fredo, but perhaps I should not trust my younger brother...
The simple answer to this question is no, of course. I cannot possibly be Fredo since as far as I am aware, my father is not now, nor has he ever been involved in the olive oil business. However, I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everyone says...like dumb...I'm smart and I want respect! Also, as far as I know, my older brother has never found an orphan boy from off the street who has come to stay with us.
I suppose then that I am not Fredo, but perhaps I should not trust my younger brother...
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