It's a New World Record!

Okay, now for some more news that everyone cares about! Did you know that there was a world record broken yesterday? It's true! Just read for yourself. I'm quite certain that you join me in congratulating Jackie "Texas Snake Man" Bibby in breaking the world record of sitting in a bathtub with the most rattlesnakes for forty-five minutes. Or at least I think that this is which sitting in a bathtub with rattlesnakes record that the Texas Snake Man broke. (It's been awhile since I consulted my Guinness Book of World Records to see what are the different categories of records for sitting in a bathtub with rattlesnakes.)

The great thing about this world record is that the Texas Snake Man just didn't break the record, he destroyed it. By using eighty-seven snakes in this most recent attempt, he beat his own previous world record by twelve snakes. Twelve snakes people! That's ten more snakes than the requisite for the movie Snakes on a Plane! I mean Asafa Powell of Jamaica broke his own world record in the 100 meter dash this year by a measly .03 seconds and people went crazy. However, Jackie "Texas Snake Man" Bibby breaks his world record by twelve snakes, I repeat, by twelve snakes and there is barely a mention of the feat.

But what's next for the Texas Snake Man? I'm glad you asked. Unfortunately, I don't have quite as much time or effort to spare as evidently the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records do, and thus I will not be able to make it out to Dublin, Texas to conduct an in-depth interview with the newest world record breaker. However, I can tell you some of the questions I would ask....

What's next for you? Will you go for, and I can't believe I'm possibly saying this, but will you go for 103 rattlesnakes on your next attempt? Your bathtub didn't seem to be completely full the last time; do you think that you could have had eighty-eight rattlesnakes placed in the tub? How about eighty-nine? Do you think that you would have been able to make it to fifty-one minutes, or would fatigue have set in? Or do you already hold the world record for sitting in a bathtub with eighty-seven rattlesnakes for fifty-one minutes? How would the dynamics of your record attempt have changed if you did it on board a plane that was in flight with Samuel L. Jackson present? Without Samuel L. Jackson present?

You see, these are great questions! If only I had time to get out to Dublin, Texas...

The Liberation of Sugar Bunny

Just like most rational people out there, I have utter disdain for those who would harm animals. Acts of cruelty against such cute, defenseless critters cannot be tolerated. And for this reason I would like to voice my unconditional support for the brave individual (or individuals) who orchestrated the daring rescue of the rabbit Sugar Bunny from a Spokane, Washington preschool.

The heroes in this story apparently were protesting circus animal acts in rescuing poor Sugar Bunny and I agree that there can be no possible better way to protest using animals in circus acts than to steal, err...rescue a rabbit from the clutches of vile preschoolers. Oh the sort of trauma that Sugar Bunny must have been exposed to while in that class! All that poor grammar! (I'm in pain!) Having to suffer through nap time! (The agony!) The finger painting and the story time! (Oh the humanity!) Take that you evil ringmasters, and you also take that, you dreaded preschooler bunny rabbit owners!

Of course I know not where this valiant savior of mistreated animals will appear next, but my only hope is that the days when goldfish are horribly mistreated in the various parts of this country are numbered.

The Cat's Eye

I came across this interesting story dealing with cats' memories. It seems that some new research has been done that proves that a cat's memory is more based on what its body remembers happening more so than what it remembers seeing with its eyes. I don't wish to recite the entire content of the article (you can read for yourself if you choose), but to provide a brief recap of what they did, there was an obstacle that was placed in front of a cat and in some fashion the researchers were able to entice the cat to move toward the obstacle. On the way toward stepping over the obstacle, the researchers interrupted the cat in two stages. The first stage found the cat having only cleared the obstacle with its front legs, while the second stage found the cat having not yet reached the obstacle. In both cases, the obstacle was removed while the cat was distracted while eating, or some other distraction.

The results of this research may astound you. In the instance where the cat had cleared the obstacle with its front legs, the back legs seemed to remember the obstacle being there even though it was no longer present. The cat would still lift its hind legs to overcome the obstacle. However, when the cat is distracted before having reached the obstacle, when allowed to proceed, it walks as if the obstacle had never been there. So clearly the cat has forgotten that the object was there. In essence, this proves that a cat's physical memory is stronger than its visual memory.

Okay, so essentially that is the recap of what it appears to me that the article was intimating. And if you have half a brain (or maybe even a quarter would suffice) and you have read this, you would see that this is a total load of crap. Oh well, since the cat proceeded as if the obstacle was no longer there (when stopped before reaching it) it must mean that the cat has forgotten that it was there, right? Wrong, idiots. How about this, and brace yourselves for this one, the cat looks in front of him or her, no longer sees an obstacle, and decides it doesn't need to jump an invisible hurdle? No? That explanation doesn't work for you? Oh, you need to justify all of that money spent on your useless research on something that seems patently obvious by coming up with some sort of amazing breakthrough? Oh, I see. Idiots...

The Monkey and the Bear

My friends, we face serious trouble. Two recent events have created great concern within me. The first is that bears have evidently started taking up residence in people's homes. And the second is that monkeys have advanced to the point where they are now adept at picking locks. These occurrences would seem to be isolated incidents and would seem to have little relation to one another, but few people are able to see the greater danger that these events collectively represent.

Not much more needs to be said about the dangers that bears represent than what has been said about them by the illustrious Stephen Colbert. Colbert has described bears as being "godless killing machines." One finds it difficult to argue with this sentiment especially since bears are already breaking through the windows of people's homes and lying in wait for the people to come home before they do what only bears can do.

But where do monkeys fit into this equation? For a long time now I have been cautioning about the problems that an elevated intellect within the monkey populace creates. Sure we should be very happy that monkeys are evolving and becoming more brilliant, but this evolution comes at the price of a monkey potentially reproducing the writings of Keven Federline. I have discussed this danger at length before and do not need to go into detail about what measures are being taken to prevent this from happening.

However, has it ever occurred to you what would happen if bears and monkeys were to team up? Many things have been said about bears, such as that they are godless killing machines, but to my knowledge no one has ever claimed them to be the most intelligent of adversaries. Right now when bears break into our homes, they are sloppy about it. But if you team a bear up with a monkey who knows how to pick complex locks, there is potentially no limit to what a fearsome duo can accomplish. Picture this; you return home after a lovely weekend in New York City only to find that when you approach your front door, everything is as it should be. The windows are in place, the door is still on its hinges, and the door is still locked. You open the front door and look inside. What do you see? Everything is perfectly in place as you might have guessed from the condition of the front door and windows. Everything seems to be okay and you think nothing is wrong until you get a call from the credit card fraud department weeks later asking you if you purchased $1000 worth of honey and $1000 worth of bananas. And then it finally hits you; you have been the victim of identity theft and credit card fraud perpetrated by a bear and monkey duo.

You see, a bear would not be able to do this on its own. The help of the monkey is essential. The monkey does most of the work: picks the lock, sifts through papers, looks through computer records, and obtains the credit card numbers. The bear does not even enter the house. So what is the bear doing while all of this is going on? The bear is keeping its eyes open for Five-O so that the duo can make a quick escape if and when the heat is on.

It's a dangerous new world out there with bears that enjoy camping out in our homes and monkeys who are crafty enough to pick locks.

Spears-Federline Rankings - July 17, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Rankings for July 17, 2007

1. Britney Spears (1) - After a hard, months long charge, Britney Spears for the first time ever takes over the number one position in the Spears-Federline Rankings. She joins the likes of Kevin Federline and Lindsay Lohan who have held the top spot. Ms. Spears moves to the top for a number of reasons, including the thoughtful poem that she wrote for her mother. While true, this poem was written about two months after Mother's Day, it is still the thought that counts. Besides, Ms. Spears was likely occupied prior to this time with jail or rehab or something and just could not find the time. The Committee salutes Ms. Spears for thinking about her mother. Would this act of love have been enough to overtake the consistent Federline on its own? Who knows, but the Committee did not have to worry about such a tough decision once it was revealed that Britney Spears is big on child safety and is an animal lover. Okay sure, the no fun people at the Humane Society want to throw hissy fits because Ms. Spears acquired the $3000 pure bred puppy from some sort of high tech puppy manufacturing power plant, but come on here! If rich people aren't going to be allowed to buy $3000 puppies, then how are these puppies factories going to make enough money so that they can continue to produce $3000 puppies so that the human employees of these factories are able to put food on the table and buy Nintendo Wii's for each of their children? Come on, think Humane Society. You are not sounding very humane...

2. Kevin Federline - The Committee finally decided that Kevin Federline could no longer get a free ride to the top of the rankings. Or better yet, the Committee was not imaginative enough on the occasion of these rankings to make up what Federline might have been doing that just was not being reported by the media. While it does appear that Federline gets along much better with Ms. Spears's mother than does Ms. Spears, the Committee is certain that this sort of thing happens all of the time. No bonus points for you here Mr. Federline. Now since Mr. Federline is certainly a competitor, what sort of things might he do to regain the coveted number one spot? Starting rumors that he has impregnated Shar Jackson or some other pseudo-celebrity wouldn't hurt. And though the Committee likes to remain completely impartial in this race for number one, it will on this occasion make the suggestion that saving injured thoroughbred horses from incessant and overreactive attention (see Barbaro) is always a plus because $3000 puppies deserve the best selection of horse meats so that washed up pop stars can continue to buy them so that more $3000 puppies can continue to be churned out in $3000 a puppy puppy factories so that employees at the factories can continue to have enough means to put food on the plates of their families and put Playstation 3's in the hands of their children.

Also receiving votes: Lindsay Lohan (recently eliminated both reasons for not being able to drink: being in rehab and being under twenty-one years of age), Paris Hilton (avid reader of the Bible and excellent display of civic responsibility: voting for the President of the US in 2006)

Can Kevin Federline return to the top?

UPDATE - July 18, 2007, 6:30 am PDT - It seems one of the Committee members inadvertantly allowed an assistant to cast the vote on his behalf. The actual corrected rankings are as follows:

1. Kevin Federline (1)
2. Britney Spears

Fifty-Four Miles Per Hour

Everyone, I've done it! I have made the greatest discovery of my life to date, and perhaps ever. This is the sort of discovery that will place my name in text books for children to read about for generations to come. Brace yourselves... Last night I discovered that the speed at which one must be traveling by automobile is in the range of 53-55 mph to ensure that a roach will not be able to maintain contact with your side window!

This discovery was a long time in the making. I first envisioned the idea for determining this years ago when I saw a roach inside my apartment. I quickly grabbed my can of Raid, somersaulted into position, and blasted away at the roach with my "kills bugs dead" can. But as I jumped to my feet and celebrated as if I were a gymnast who had just "stuck" the landing, I noticed something. That roach did not die right away, but was stumbling around in a fashion not unlike the one in which I see countless bar patrons at closing time. The first thought that immediately came to mind was at what speed must one travel to cause a roach to lose contact with your side window?

It was going to be a difficult discovery to make. First of all, roaches are disgusting. I generally do not get anywhere close to the repulsive creatures, and hence the can of Raid. Even after the filthy cretins are dead, I'll generally wait until my mom comes back to town and allow her to deal with them. However, yesterday evening fortune smiled upon me as the perfect circumstance arose. I was at the grocery store doing a little shopping, and upon exiting the store I placed my items in the back area of my car. Everything was fine as I went and opened the driver's door and got inside. It wasn't until I had closed the door that I realized that this filthy thing was on my window. Ordinarily I probably would have just taken the local streets back home, but I was afraid that 40-45 mph just wasn't going to be good enough. So, I decided that I had to take a minor detour to the highway. And so I got on the highway entrance ramp and pushed the pace. The entire time that this was going on I glanced over at my enemy. It did a good job of holding on for a while, but finally I saw it struggling. I have estimated that somewhere between 53 mph and 55 mph was the point where it could hold on no longer. It was a worthy opponent as at the point where it fell off I was getting very close to my exit. However, on that night I would have been more than willing to bypass my exit and push the pace to 75-80 mph to get that thing off. I just didn't want to have to sleep in my car that night.

So where does this discovery that I made rank with the all time great discoveries and the all time great records? Well, I would say that it deserves about as much or slightly more esteem as the recently set record of eating sixty-six hot dogs and buns in twelve minutes. These are both incredible feats of which to be proud.

Geoffrey's Revenge

Quite honestly I thought something like this would have happened sooner. It seems that the giraffes are finally up in arms over our horrible mistreatment of them over the years. The retaliation began in Lithuania, but it very easily could have started here. It probably should have started here.

Perhaps you are familiar with the most famous giraffe in the history of the world. That would be Bridfard Giraffe of course. A photo of Bridfard appears to the right. Oh wait, I'm sorry. I forgot that some - if not all - of you are not quite studied up on giraffe history. You don't realize how these great creatures were once allies of ours as we struggled for freedom against England. If Nathan Hale was the first American spy, then Bridfard Giraffe was no worse than the second American spy. In fact, after Hale was captured Giraffe could have easily escaped to save his own neck, but he valiantly risked his life to try to rescue Hale and in the process was also captured.

These events have disappeared from the knowledge of all but those of us who are the foremost in the study of giraffe history. Well, today the best known giraffe in the world is none other than Geoffrey the Giraffe. I bet you didn't know that Geoffrey the Giraffe is a direct descendant of Bridfard Giraffe. (How could you know? Bridfard's legacy has been buried for centuries now.) Well, how have we rewarded this descendant of a true American hero? Well, we have treated him to a life of indentured servitude where the price of his debt can never be repaid. While Geoffrey the Giraffe has remained a prisoner with in toy stores, never growing up, his friends have all grown up. His friends no longer have to face the embarrassment of playing with Tonka toys and Rainbow Brite dolls. They have moved on to cool stuff like skipping school, going to detention, smoking cigarettes, and getting drunk.

Well, it would appear that Geoffrey and his brethren have finally had enough. They will no longer be forgotten. So if you want to drink, drink. But trust me, don't drink and then get into a cage with a giraffe unless you have plenty of alcohol left for the giraffe to drink as well. The giraffe wants to party just as you do.

And don't drink and drive.

Expert Testimony

It seems that we people have been neglecting a most valuable asset that we have at our disposal. And what might this asset be? Why this very valuable asset is the donkey, of course! Yes, that's right folks! It has recently been discovered that the horse's cousin, which is generally only considered to be useful as a pack animal, acting as an improvised horse for small people, children, or monkeys, and for ass humor, is quite a bit more versatile than originally imagined. Donkeys are now known to be capable of acting as expert witnesses in trials. You can read about it here.

And the great thing about this story is that it was not someone who was drunk or high who decided to put the donkey on the stand, it was a lawyer. If no less than a lawyer thinks that putting a donkey on the stand to help them win a legal case is a good idea, then we must certainly have been underestimating donkeys' capabilities. And apparently the donkey performed admirably as the case was settled due in no small part to the donkey's stirring testimony, it appears to me. But you're probably wondering what else donkeys are good for doing. Fear not, I have a few.

I think that donkeys should be considered for color commentator roles on sports broadcasting teams. In particular, I'm talking about Monday Night Football, and again in particular, I would like to see a donkey replace Joe Theismann. I feel that if a donkey can provide expert testimony in court, then donkeys surely know more football and can come up with more coherent commentary than can Theismann. Also, I have a feeling that donkeys would be more than capable of acting in the role traditionally performed by husbands/boyfriends in Lamaze classes. I know this would have to be a joint decision by the couple, and so I'll speak to the ladies first of course. Ladies, do the guys really provide that much support here? Are you really sure that you couldn't get the same level of support and understanding from a donkey that is capable of acting as an expert witness in a legal trial? And guys, do you really think you're helping matters? And do you really think your wife/girlfriend wouldn't be far happier and relaxed if instead of being at the class you were getting Monday Night Football commentary from the donkey that replaced Joe Theismann? I know it's a tough decision to make, but if you need advice, I'm sure that consulting a donkey may be the way to go.

And finally, in keeping with the donkey-as-witness legal theme, I'm quite certain that a donkey could make an excellent US Attorney General...

Is a Kinkajou Some Sort of Pokemon?

I had intended to write about this a bit earlier, but was unfortunately distracted by other things. To start off with, I'll link you to a disturbing article: http://www.canada.com/topics/news/world/story.html?id=876b29a5-88e3-41f6-881e-d0db67ad3895&k=57078. Are you finished reading it? Good. It seems that an animal which has in various news reports been described as a spider monkey, or a lemur, or the prevailing identification, a kinkajou, escaped from a zoo in Mexico City. Let's be honest here, there does seem to be quite a bit of confusion about what this animal actually is. Given this fact, and although it might be now accepted that the animal is actually a kinkajou, I'm just going to assume that it was a spider monkey (or some other monkey) because this is helpful to my premise. And before you ask, my premise is that things are becoming a lot more dangerous, a lot faster than I imagined.

Let me once again refer you back to my declaration of predictions and resolutions for the new year. I've already detailed how my prediction about Kevin Federline receiving custody of the children he co-produced with Britney Spears came true, but as we turn to the resolutions, it is clear that I have been rather lax through the first few months of the year. Taking you back to what I wrote on December 20, 2006, "I will continue to uphold my status as defender of monkeys. Some are no doubt aware that I am a staunch defender of the rights of monkeys. It is true that monkeys are genetically among the closest relatives to humans and as a result, they hold a special place in my heart...It seems that every day monkeys are becoming closer and closer to their cousins, we humans...more recently I have alerted you to the fact that there is a new and grave threat facing monkeys, and this threat is the typewriter. Now I am not denying that a typewriter in a monkey's hands can produce wonderful results, but it can also have the disastrous results of producing exact duplicates of Kevin Federline compositions. Therefore, as the self appointed supreme defender of monkeys, I have decided drastic measures must be taken. We must destroy all typewriters, or rather, I resolve to destroy all typewriters in the coming year."

Now, let's look at the evidence. This monkey showed incredible cunning in escaping from the zoo, its prison. Just as humans do not ordinarily enjoyed being caged, this monkey decided that he or she had had enough. Sure the escape that the monkey plotted was not as elaborate as that of say Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, but let's not be so hard on the little critter. I think that he or she is evolving rather nicely and should not yet be expected to formulate such incredible schemes, or write such incredible screenplays. The important thing is that the monkey was demonstrating progress. As further evidence of this, we can look to what the monkey did after making his or her bold escape. After the escape, the monkey realized that he or she would not get far on foot, so what did the monkey do? It boarded a bus. And there was no mention of the monkey actually paying the fare for the bus, so we must assume that the monkey did not do so. This monkey (clearly intellectually superior to just about every other monkey I have ever had the pleasure with which to cross paths) then proceeded to sit next to the bus driver for about an hour until some lady blew his or her cover.

The only thing that I can say about this lady is that the world owes her a big thanks, and in particular, I owe her a big thanks. We may never know where this crafty monkey was ultimately headed before being discovered aboard this bus, but I have a feeling that the monkey was headed toward a typewriter. If not for the intercession of this courageous woman aboard this bus, this monkey might at this very moment be reproducing the writings of Kevin Federline on a typewriter in between throwing feces all around the room. I have destroyed exactly zero typewriters so far this year. I need to kick this project into high gear starting immediately.

Will you join me?

Semper Paratus

So I happened to be in the gym yesterday and there was a BREAKING NEWS story that was being covered by one of the local news stations. Fortunately this was not the type of breaking news story that informs you that Anna Nicole Smith is still dead, but it was still of the "you're wasting my time by telling me this" variety.

I'll link to the story here: http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5180881, but I'll also provide a brief synopsis. This guy has a bird that flies out of the window of his house. So the guy pursues the bird, who has flown up into a pine tree nearby. The guy climbs one pine tree and recovers the bird by climbing onto a second tree on which the bird is perched. The only problem is that once on the second tree, the man is unable to get down and he is thus stranded some sixty feet up in the air. Fire department ladder trucks could not get him down, nor could fire department helicopters. Eventually the US Coast Guard had to rescue the man. The man spent nearly four hours in this tree.

But as I was watching this story, it was still very early in this man's Tarzan adventure. I think that the man had been in the tree for maybe about an hour when I saw the report. At the time I was hearing the report, the newscasters were saying that the man had climbed into the tree to retrieve his pet $2000 parrot. By the time of the final report it was revealed that this bird was in fact an umbrella cockatoo, which is a variety of parrot.

There were a number of concerns that I had when watching this report. How in blazes was this breaking news? So some full grown adult gets stuck in a tree and you dedicate an inordinate amount of news coverage to this story? Come on, that's ridiculous! To make matters worse, this was apparently the top news story for this particular local station (ABC 13) when they did their nightly news report. So there is nothing else more important going on in the world than some local idiot stuck in a tree trying to retrieve his bird? Wow, things must be going absolutely splendidly in the world then.

Another concern that I have is whether or not the Coast Guard officer/enlisted person who responded to this call initially laughed uncontrollably in the phone for about twenty minutes after hearing the situation before even thinking about reacting. That would be the proper initial response. And the next response should have been, "we'll be right over to get the guy out of the tree, but there are about five cats trapped in trees in the park that we have to save first."

But without a doubt, the biggest concern that I have is how is a parrot worth $2000? Okay, so the umbrella cockatoo is classified as a vulnerable species, but to me that hardly means that it should be worth $2000. I could maybe see this thing being worth $2000 if it could maybe act as your interpreter if you took a trip to France, or maybe it would be worth that much if it could decipher the Rosetta Stone, but even among parrots it is considered a poor speaker. So you have a bird that is not even really endangered, that cannot even really speak one language that well, and has not proven to be in any way, shape, or form a champion breeder and it is worth $2000? Seriously, there are some problems out there.