It seems that the good people at the New York Daily News have taken it upon themselves to do the job that only I should be paid to do. And what might that be? Well, it seems that the paper has named its list of the Top 50 Dumbest People in Hollywood. Naturally, I have a few issues with this article. My first complaint with it is the wording of the list, the Top 50 Dumbest People in Hollywood. What is the necessity of beginning the title of the list with the word top? Wouldn't just saying the 50 Dumbest People in Hollywood have adequately conveyed the meaning of the list? It's kind of the reason why you add the suffix -est to the word dumb in the first place. Or were they assuming that if people just saw the name 50 Dumbest People in Hollywood their readers would have wondered whether they meant the Middle 50 Dumbest People in Hollywood?
Okay, that aside, I won't necessarily bicker about the fact that in truth there are probably countless dumber people in Hollywood than some of the people mentioned on this list who just aren't famous. I get it; the point is actually to name the 50 dumbest celebrities in Hollywood. With that said, how does this Spencer Pratt character come in at number 3? I had never even heard of this guy before reading this article. Shouldn't you have to have at least a certain minimum level of celebrity to be considered for this list beyond I appear on a crappy MTV pseudo-reality show? Shouldn't you have to be known by more than the high school girls demographic to make it on this list? I don't want to take anything away from Mr. Pratt; he may very well be the third dumbest person in Hollywood. However, I would hardly call him the third dumbest celebrity in Hollywood since I still really don't have any idea who he is. And keeping with this general line of thinking, how do we come up Jeff Kwatinetz as the fourth dumbest person in Hollywood. Oh, I see, it's because he gave the green light for the Britney Spears performance at the MTV Video Music Awards... I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with this selection. First of all just because Kwatinetz gave the green light for this performance, that doesn't make him a celebrity, and second, in hindsight, this was a brilliant thing for him to have done. If you are like me and you believe that Britney Spears is an overrated never-was, what could possibly be better from an entertainment perspective than that performance she had at the VMAs? Strike number four from the list; the guy is a genius.
But then of course I can't discuss numbers 13, 14, 38, and 39 except in a grouping. Here we have J. R. Rotem, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and Shar Jackson, respectively. My first question is why is there such a huge gap between Spears and Federline? Is it because the people who compiled the list think that Federline is that much less dumb than Spears, or it purely because Federline is completely owning Spears in this custody battle? Also, I'm not quite sure I understand the logic used in the ordering. If J. R. Rotem is penalized for being the possible baby daddy of Spears by being placed a notch lower than Britney, than how come Shar Jackson is not penalized for being the possible baby mama of Federline (note: in this case I'm not actually talking about the two kids that the two are confirmed to have, but rather I'm referencing the rumor that sprung up during the summer that she was pregnant again with his baby) by being placed one notch below the K-Fed? Let's be clear, it seems very unlikely that she would be placed on this list simply because she happened to have slept with Federline a few years ago. If the reason she is on this list is because of a recent dalliance, then why isn't she listed higher on the list than Federline because of such a frightful indiscretion?
Like I kind of intimated at the beginning, it seems that the only person who could correctly compile such a list would be me. However, I have to give them credit because they get certain things right about this list. First of all, I have no argument with Lindsay Lohan being at the top of the list. Though I have not seen/do not plan to see/have no idea what it is about/have no idea when the movie was released/is supposed to be released, there is no chance that I will ever see it, and I can pretty much guarantee you that the movie sucks/will suck. Also some of her non-work related activities go to the point where it is way too kind to describe them as foolish. Hence, Lohan seems to be the perfect candidate for number one. Also, it might come as a surprise to some that I fully support Paris Hilton's absence from this list. Why is that, you might ask? Well it's simple; she's not in Hollywood, she's cryonically frozen in Michigan right now...