It's a new year and that means the official retirement of the Spears-Federline Rankings. There was some controversy as the Spears-Federline Rankings wrapped up 2007 by naming Britney Spears Person of the Year. As a result, the Committee has been disbanded. Fear not! A new Committee has been created, which will conduct rankings in this Chase for the PopoZao in a much more transparent fashion. For example, the number of first place votes in each ranking has increased (from 1 to 3), and the number of total points that each person receives each ranking will be listed. In addition, the cumulative yearly standings will be listed in the rankings as well. So sit back and enjoy! The Chase is on! First place votes appear in parentheses.
PopoZao Finish - January 15, 2008
1. Jamie Lynn Spears (2) - 2000 PopoZao Points - Jamie Lynn Spears finishes first in this PopoZao Poll. There were a number of other worthy candidates for the top spot, but only Jamie Lynn Spears could say that she is a Spears sister who has been impregnated by someone other than Kevin Federline. That is an accomplishment. Also, despite the fact that being pregnant at the age of sixteen may not be the best situation that a girl can find herself in, Jamie Lynn's life is still considerably less screwed up than is her sister's.
2. Kevin Federline (1) - 1900 PZ Points - Building on his success in winning the Father of the Year award from some extremely obscure publication, Kevin Federline continues to demonstrate why he is such a great parent. And how has he done so? He has done so by beefing up security to ensure that the children aren't kidnapped by a crazy person. And who is this "crazy person?" Why the crazy person is the children's mother, Britney Spears. The Committee has not confirmed, but it can only assume that Federline has taken the same painstaking care to ensure that his other kids are safe from the harms of the world. He is the father of the (last) year after all!
6. Amy Winehouse - 1500 PZ Points - If fate would have had it that the Committee originated in the United Kingdom rather than the United States, Amy Winehouse might possibly be the star of the Chase for the PopoZao. Nonetheless, she still comes in as a top performer. In the first couple of weeks of this year, Winehouse has already supposedly (or reportedly has had the intention of)renewed wedding vows with her husband (who is in jail) (date of article: January 2), gone on a Caribbean holiday with an ex-boyfriend without her husband (who is in jail) (date of article: January 7), and angered her husband (who is in jail) by spending the night/morning in a hotel room with some producer (date of article: January 14). Wow! This sort of rapid fire information update proves that Amy Winehouse will be a true factor in the Chase for the PopoZao. Now, the Committee has no way of confirming whether any of this information is true, but it does not matter because the Committee is just going to assume that it is all true. Oh, the Committee almost forgot to mention that Winehouse will have to pass a drug test in order to come to the US for the Grammy Awards program!
17. Britney Spears - 400 PZ Points - And just when you thought Britney Spears life had reached total train wreck/derailment status, things got even worse... And that was how 2007 started off for Britney Spears. It appears that the court custody hearings between Spears and Federline still persist, with the court ruling that Spears's visitation rights with the kids should continue to be suspended (indefinitely). The Committee is somewhat unfamiliar with custody hearings, but is wondering at this point why they continue to waste time and money with these hearings and don't just give the kids to Federline for good. This is what is going to happen anyway (if these proceedings happen to actually terminate before the children reach the age of eighteen - which seems doubtful right now) and need the Committee say it again: Kevin Federline is the Father of the Year (2007). Oh, but Britney feels she can do a better job than her lawyers at getting the kids back (and by this the Committee does not mean breaking into the newly fortified Federline compound), and after her stint in the hospital, the Committee is certain that she is ready to give it her all in this futile effort! Well, cheer up Britney, at least you don't have to pass a drug test in order to go to the Grammy Awards program!
20. Blake Fielder-Civil - 100 PZ Points - Let's play Jeopardy! The answer is: the husband of Amy Winehouse who is currently in jail. Who is Blake Fielder-Civil? Correct. And that is the sum total of what the Committee knows about Blake Fielder-Civil.
25. Jessica Simpson - -400 PZ Points - Ruined one of the Committee members' fantasy football seasons by showing up at the Eagles-Cowboys game on December 16. Slightly more talented than Britney Spears - maybe.
26. Tony Romo - -500 PZ Points - Out of the playoffs early after being the NFC #1 seed. Karmic justice for not having the realization that he is the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and thus can get just about any girl that he wants and should not have settled for Jessica Simpson and thus ruined a Committee member's fantasy football season.
41. Dr. Phil McGraw - -2000 PZ Points - If ever there was a person who was 100% qualified to use Mighty Mouse's catch phrase (Here I come to save the day!) then it is Dr. Phil. Oh wait, no, the Committee is 100% convinced that Dr. Phil is an unqualified hack. "What's that? Britney Spears has had a nervous breakdown and is in the hospital? Well, this looks like a job for Dr. Phil. Oh, and I'd better have the cameras rolling when I go save her."
Current Chase for the PopoZao Standings as of January 15, 2008:
1. Jamie Lynn Spears - 2000 PopoZao Points
2. Kevin Federline - 1900 PZ Points
6. Amy Winehouse - 1500 PZ Points
17. Britney Spears - 400 PZ Points
20. Blake Fielder-Civil - 100 PZ Points
25. Jessica Simpson - -400 PZ Points
26. Tony Romo - -500 PZ Points
41. Dr. Phil McGraw - -2000 PZ Points