Father of Anna Nicole's Baby

I may not make it into work tomorrow. And why might that be? Well, I think that it is high time that I venture off to Florida so that it can be established once and for all, with DNA testing, whether I'm in fact the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I've already mentioned that it is a long shot (to my knowledge I never did actually meet Ms. Smith), but I figure, you know, what the heck. Let's just see what happens. My fallback hope is that through DNA testing it is ascertained that I am in fact the son of Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, in which case, according to the rules of royal succession and inheritance that I am about to make up, I am entitled to some big time cash inheritance that would be tax free. I would also receive a dukedom.

However, in the meantime, I think that it is now time that I reveal what really happened in this strange story of the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby. And yes friends, this is BREAKING NEWS. This is what I believe most likely happened: Anna Nicole Smith likely died of something other than foul play, but there was likely a plot on her life. What seems very plausible to me (just as plausible as everything else surrounding the strange story of the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby) to me is that astronaut Lisa Nowak (or Lady Depends as some have nicknamed her) did not drive to Florida to kidnap and murder her rival for the love of another astronaut, but rather she may have intended to kidnap Anna Nicole Smith and/or Anna Nicole's baby. After all, Nowak did plead not guilty to the charges against her, and the notion that a forty-three year old woman would drive 900 miles straight in adult diapers so as not to have to stop to go to the bathroom along the way seems so beyond the threshold of pure lunacy that it would be difficult for any rational person to believe, and thus if hints were dropped that this were the case (e.g., actually wearing adult diapers and driving 900 miles without going to the bathroom) it would completely obscure what one's actual intention were: the kidnapping of Anna Nicole Smith and/or Anna Nicole's baby. Of course Nowak was caught before this plan could be fully realized, but as fate would have it, Anna Nicole Smith did die.

The obvious question that those of you are still with me must have is what was Nowak's motive? It's really quite elementary, dear reader, the motive was that Nowak discovered that Kevin Federline might in fact be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby and this was very disturbing to her associates. Your next question must be, how did Nowak know that Federline might be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby? Well, to answer this question, we must go back in time a bit. It is fairly well known that among Federline's great achievements, he used to be a backup dancer for the boy band *NSYNC. Well, obviously Federline was acquainted with *NSYNC member Lance Bass (that is of course if real band members allow backup dancers to talk with them or even ride in the same tour buses or stay in the same hotels). Now, it is perhaps less commonly remembered that Bass had an ill-fated attempt at becoming an astronaut of sorts and venturing into space as a tourist. Evidently, he did not have the right stuff (yes, I know this is actually a New Kids on the Block reference, but work with me here). Well, I'm assuming that during astronaut training for Lance Bass, he had to have come into contact with Lisa Nowak. (I mean there can't be that many astronauts out there really.) And so at some point while Bass and Nowak were having an astronaut talk, Bass revealed that he had heard that this guy that he kind of sort did not ignore on occasion, Federline, who was always rapping to himself in the corner and hitting on the girls from the groups on tour with *NSYNC was supposedly having an affair with Anna Nicole Smith. This information registered with Nowak, but she largely forgot about it for years.

Well, in the fall of last year, mere weeks after the birth of Anna Nicole's baby, I believe that Nowak was present at a crazy persons convention - not because she is crazy, but you know, she just had some free time. Well, I believe that Frederic Prinz von Anhalt was also present at this crazy persons convention - not because he is crazy, but you know, he just had some free time. His princely responsibilities are kind of limited these days. So, Prinz von Anhalt happened to tell Nowak of this plot he had to claim himself to be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby so that he could then claim the inheritance from J. Howard Marshall, and use that money for legal fees in his lawsuit against Viagra and Pfizer for having made him impotent (or at least that is his plot - nothing could make a manly man like Prinz von Anhalt impotent). And once Prinz von Anhalt won his lawsuit, he would obtain the kind of wealth that is fit for a Prinz. But it was at this point that Nowak remembered that Federline might in fact be the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby, and she related the story that Bass had told her. So Prinz von Anhalt and Nowak hatched a plot whereby Nowak would venture to Florida (in possession of several strands of von Anhalt's hair as well swabs from his gums), kidnap Anna Nicole Smith temporarily, but then shave Anna Nicole's baby's head, Krazy Glue von Anhalt's hair to the baby's head, and then find some way to attach von Anhalt's gum tissue samples to the gums of Anna Nicole's baby. In exchange for doing this, Nowak would receive a hefty sum of the settlement money from the Viagra/Pfizer case, some of which she would donate to Lance Bass so that he could realize his dream of becoming an astronaut. But as Robert Burns once wrote, "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft agley." Sorry Lance...

And that is the story as I believe it likely occurred.