Geoffrey's Revenge

Quite honestly I thought something like this would have happened sooner. It seems that the giraffes are finally up in arms over our horrible mistreatment of them over the years. The retaliation began in Lithuania, but it very easily could have started here. It probably should have started here.

Perhaps you are familiar with the most famous giraffe in the history of the world. That would be Bridfard Giraffe of course. A photo of Bridfard appears to the right. Oh wait, I'm sorry. I forgot that some - if not all - of you are not quite studied up on giraffe history. You don't realize how these great creatures were once allies of ours as we struggled for freedom against England. If Nathan Hale was the first American spy, then Bridfard Giraffe was no worse than the second American spy. In fact, after Hale was captured Giraffe could have easily escaped to save his own neck, but he valiantly risked his life to try to rescue Hale and in the process was also captured.

These events have disappeared from the knowledge of all but those of us who are the foremost in the study of giraffe history. Well, today the best known giraffe in the world is none other than Geoffrey the Giraffe. I bet you didn't know that Geoffrey the Giraffe is a direct descendant of Bridfard Giraffe. (How could you know? Bridfard's legacy has been buried for centuries now.) Well, how have we rewarded this descendant of a true American hero? Well, we have treated him to a life of indentured servitude where the price of his debt can never be repaid. While Geoffrey the Giraffe has remained a prisoner with in toy stores, never growing up, his friends have all grown up. His friends no longer have to face the embarrassment of playing with Tonka toys and Rainbow Brite dolls. They have moved on to cool stuff like skipping school, going to detention, smoking cigarettes, and getting drunk.

Well, it would appear that Geoffrey and his brethren have finally had enough. They will no longer be forgotten. So if you want to drink, drink. But trust me, don't drink and then get into a cage with a giraffe unless you have plenty of alcohol left for the giraffe to drink as well. The giraffe wants to party just as you do.

And don't drink and drive.