Spears-Federline Rankings - May 9, 2007

There are very few people who have not heard of Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. As to whether this fact is a good thing or a bad thing is up to one's own interpretation. (It's a bad thing.) But with all that has been going on in the lives of these two very talented individuals, I thought that it would be worthwhile to periodically provide updates of the current rankings of the two. So, what follows are the current rankings between the two, with short explanations given for each. First place votes appear in parentheses.

Rankings for May 9, 2007

1. Kevin Federline (1) - Kevin Federline retains the top spot again, not necessarily because of what he has done, but more for what he has not done. The committee has heard no news about him recently which means he must be laying low. However, this explanation would be well too short if it was left at this, and so the committee has decided to imagine what Mr. Federline has been doing since the last rankings appeared, and these imagined exploits have kept Mr. Federline ahead of a hard charging Britney Spears. Here are those exploits... Over the last several weeks Kevin Federline has been very active in a positive way. Federline rescued a man who became trapped in a tree in the Houston area when the man's valued pet parrot escaped into the tree from the man's nearby home. In so doing this, Federline saved both the fire department and the Coast Guard an incredible amount of time and effort. Also Mr. Federline anonymously released the voicemail message of Alec Baldwin berating his little pig daughter, the recording of a drunken David Hasselhoff eating off of the bathroom floor, and he took the photos of Lindsay Lohan snorting cocaine. By helping bring to light the dangerous problems these cherished Hollywood actors face - and hopefully driving them to get the help they need (and the committee does literally mean that we hope that he will drive them in a car to wherever they need to go to get help) - Kevin Federline once again retains the top spot.

2. Britney Spears - Britney Spears once again made a hard charge at the number one spot, but unfortunately it was not enough. Spears seemed to rebound nicely from the slapdown that Federline dished out to her a few weeks ago by appearing in concert for the first time in quite awhile at the House of Blues in San Diego, CA. After keeping fans waiting for hours she finally came on performed for about fifteen to twenty minutes. There were a number of details surrounding the event that nearly caused the committee to vault Spears over Federline:

First of all she had her fans waiting for hours for her to perform - That's good stuff, and a perfect punishment for those who foisted Spears on us in the first place.
She only performed for fifteen to twenty minutes - While not quite the zero minutes the committee would prefer, it is getting pretty close to that number.
She lipsynched through the songs - If you have to listen to Britney Spears sing, the committee feels that it is probably best not to listen to her singing live. Kudos to you, Britney.

All of this is great stuff and one single other action would have ensured her vaulting to number one but alas it was not done. If Spears had simply lipsynched to someone else (anyone else - including anyone who has ever appeared on American Idol) covering her songs, then that surely would have been enough to vault Spears up in the committee's eyes.

Better luck next time Britney, but Kevin, watch your back!