Good news everyone! Just as a number of you were worried that future generations of American children would be denied another of the benefits that we present day citizens of the great country that is the United States enjoy comes the fabulous news that Paris Hilton is considering being cryonically preserved so that in theory she can live for hundreds, if not thousands, more years!
I said good news a moment ago, but really this is stupendous news! You know, I came in to work today really depressed because I did worry that American youth of the twenty-second century and beyond would have to live a life not knowing about the legend that is Paris Hilton. Realizing this, I lamentingly added this fact to the list I had already compiled of things that the children of the future would never know: social security, winters (global warming is here, people), bananas, and New York Yankees' World Series championships. But now I can expunge this item from the list. (That's a relief!)
But in order for future generations to come to know the Paris that we love and adore, the Paris who has overcome great odds to stand as a true role model to the members of Generation Y, they should see Paris exactly how we see Paris today. This means that Paris Hilton should waste little time in becoming Ted Williams's neighbor. For how will young children in say, the year 2147, relate to an elderly Paris Hilton "roughing it" the way she has done in the Simple Life? Are we not told when young by countless old people about how rough they had it growing up? (Miles and miles in the snow, uphill both ways to and from school...) If they see an old Paris Hilton having to work through hard times, they'll just say alright, I get it, things are going to be tough when I'm really old. And also, who better to encourage the youth of America to snap out of their apathetic ways when it comes to elective politics. You see, I have rarely voted. The reason I have rarely voted is because I'm still young (sort of), and young people are supposed to be apathetic and not vote. But seeing Paris Hilton assure Larry King that she had voted in the 2006 US Presidential Election has taught me that apathy is not the way. Paris Hilton has inspired me and so now I'm planning on voting in the 2007 US Presidential Election, which I'm pretty sure happens in the next couple of weeks. No, in order for Paris Hilton to act as a benefit to the society of the future to the degree to which she has acted for the society of today, she cannot waste her youth in today's world any longer. To the freezing chamber!