The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

10-26-xxxx - I came across this story recently, and I can tell you that it is really touching. The fact that some ordinary guy would risk his life in such a way to save some helpless little girl is certainly inspiring. Oh, I'm sorry; what I meant to say is that it would certainly be inspiring if it were not a total load of crap. This story is labeled as "Heroic Exploits," and we all know that there cannot be any heroic exploits unless Superman is present. I'm pretty sure that I did not rescue some little girl from an angry bear any time recently. But let's go a little deeper into these outlandish claims. Actually, that would take too much than Superman has to spare - you know, having to constantly save the world and such. Let's just say that there is no way that some ordinary guy could go toe to toe with a bear and come away with only a scrape across the forehead. The only being that could survive such an encounter with a bear with just a scratch is me, Superman. Except that I would not even be injured by the bear because a bear can't injure Superman. I'm not even sure Superman could injure Superman.

But there is something far more important about this story. What happened to the little girl that was saved? Is she okay? And more importantly, is she cute? If she is cute, this means that one day she could be super hot and hot chicks dig Superman. So the only thing left to do is to fly into the future about fifteen or so years and this cute girl/hot chick will be mine.

Now where did I put those red briefs...