I had intended to write about this a bit earlier, but was unfortunately distracted by other things. To start off with, I'll link you to a disturbing article: http://www.canada.com/topics/news/world/story.html?id=876b29a5-88e3-41f6-881e-d0db67ad3895&k=57078. Are you finished reading it? Good. It seems that an animal which has in various news reports been described as a spider monkey, or a lemur, or the prevailing identification, a kinkajou, escaped from a zoo in Mexico City. Let's be honest here, there does seem to be quite a bit of confusion about what this animal actually is. Given this fact, and although it might be now accepted that the animal is actually a kinkajou, I'm just going to assume that it was a spider monkey (or some other monkey) because this is helpful to my premise. And before you ask, my premise is that things are becoming a lot more dangerous, a lot faster than I imagined.
Let me once again refer you back to my declaration of predictions and resolutions for the new year. I've already detailed how my prediction about Kevin Federline receiving custody of the children he co-produced with Britney Spears came true, but as we turn to the resolutions, it is clear that I have been rather lax through the first few months of the year. Taking you back to what I wrote on December 20, 2006, "I will continue to uphold my status as defender of monkeys. Some are no doubt aware that I am a staunch defender of the rights of monkeys. It is true that monkeys are genetically among the closest relatives to humans and as a result, they hold a special place in my heart...It seems that every day monkeys are becoming closer and closer to their cousins, we humans...more recently I have alerted you to the fact that there is a new and grave threat facing monkeys, and this threat is the typewriter. Now I am not denying that a typewriter in a monkey's hands can produce wonderful results, but it can also have the disastrous results of producing exact duplicates of Kevin Federline compositions. Therefore, as the self appointed supreme defender of monkeys, I have decided drastic measures must be taken. We must destroy all typewriters, or rather, I resolve to destroy all typewriters in the coming year."
Now, let's look at the evidence. This monkey showed incredible cunning in escaping from the zoo, its prison. Just as humans do not ordinarily enjoyed being caged, this monkey decided that he or she had had enough. Sure the escape that the monkey plotted was not as elaborate as that of say Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, but let's not be so hard on the little critter. I think that he or she is evolving rather nicely and should not yet be expected to formulate such incredible schemes, or write such incredible screenplays. The important thing is that the monkey was demonstrating progress. As further evidence of this, we can look to what the monkey did after making his or her bold escape. After the escape, the monkey realized that he or she would not get far on foot, so what did the monkey do? It boarded a bus. And there was no mention of the monkey actually paying the fare for the bus, so we must assume that the monkey did not do so. This monkey (clearly intellectually superior to just about every other monkey I have ever had the pleasure with which to cross paths) then proceeded to sit next to the bus driver for about an hour until some lady blew his or her cover.
The only thing that I can say about this lady is that the world owes her a big thanks, and in particular, I owe her a big thanks. We may never know where this crafty monkey was ultimately headed before being discovered aboard this bus, but I have a feeling that the monkey was headed toward a typewriter. If not for the intercession of this courageous woman aboard this bus, this monkey might at this very moment be reproducing the writings of Kevin Federline on a typewriter in between throwing feces all around the room. I have destroyed exactly zero typewriters so far this year. I need to kick this project into high gear starting immediately.
Will you join me?