Expert Testimony

It seems that we people have been neglecting a most valuable asset that we have at our disposal. And what might this asset be? Why this very valuable asset is the donkey, of course! Yes, that's right folks! It has recently been discovered that the horse's cousin, which is generally only considered to be useful as a pack animal, acting as an improvised horse for small people, children, or monkeys, and for ass humor, is quite a bit more versatile than originally imagined. Donkeys are now known to be capable of acting as expert witnesses in trials. You can read about it here.

And the great thing about this story is that it was not someone who was drunk or high who decided to put the donkey on the stand, it was a lawyer. If no less than a lawyer thinks that putting a donkey on the stand to help them win a legal case is a good idea, then we must certainly have been underestimating donkeys' capabilities. And apparently the donkey performed admirably as the case was settled due in no small part to the donkey's stirring testimony, it appears to me. But you're probably wondering what else donkeys are good for doing. Fear not, I have a few.

I think that donkeys should be considered for color commentator roles on sports broadcasting teams. In particular, I'm talking about Monday Night Football, and again in particular, I would like to see a donkey replace Joe Theismann. I feel that if a donkey can provide expert testimony in court, then donkeys surely know more football and can come up with more coherent commentary than can Theismann. Also, I have a feeling that donkeys would be more than capable of acting in the role traditionally performed by husbands/boyfriends in Lamaze classes. I know this would have to be a joint decision by the couple, and so I'll speak to the ladies first of course. Ladies, do the guys really provide that much support here? Are you really sure that you couldn't get the same level of support and understanding from a donkey that is capable of acting as an expert witness in a legal trial? And guys, do you really think you're helping matters? And do you really think your wife/girlfriend wouldn't be far happier and relaxed if instead of being at the class you were getting Monday Night Football commentary from the donkey that replaced Joe Theismann? I know it's a tough decision to make, but if you need advice, I'm sure that consulting a donkey may be the way to go.

And finally, in keeping with the donkey-as-witness legal theme, I'm quite certain that a donkey could make an excellent US Attorney General...