The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

10-26-xxxx - I came across this story recently, and I can tell you that it is really touching. The fact that some ordinary guy would risk his life in such a way to save some helpless little girl is certainly inspiring. Oh, I'm sorry; what I meant to say is that it would certainly be inspiring if it were not a total load of crap. This story is labeled as "Heroic Exploits," and we all know that there cannot be any heroic exploits unless Superman is present. I'm pretty sure that I did not rescue some little girl from an angry bear any time recently. But let's go a little deeper into these outlandish claims. Actually, that would take too much than Superman has to spare - you know, having to constantly save the world and such. Let's just say that there is no way that some ordinary guy could go toe to toe with a bear and come away with only a scrape across the forehead. The only being that could survive such an encounter with a bear with just a scratch is me, Superman. Except that I would not even be injured by the bear because a bear can't injure Superman. I'm not even sure Superman could injure Superman.

But there is something far more important about this story. What happened to the little girl that was saved? Is she okay? And more importantly, is she cute? If she is cute, this means that one day she could be super hot and hot chicks dig Superman. So the only thing left to do is to fly into the future about fifteen or so years and this cute girl/hot chick will be mine.

Now where did I put those red briefs...

The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

09-19-xxxx - I really do enjoy helping people - fighting for those who are not able to fight for themselves. The way I look at it, I'm really fighting for truth, I'm fighting for justice, and it really feels great to go out there and save a person's life so that he or she is able to go home and see his or her family. Some people just aren't that lucky.

Obviously this isn't something that has just come to mind now. I have been thinking about this for a long time. I've been thinking about so much especially in reference to my friend Bruce Wayne. He's Batman, and I feel free to reveal his identity in this my diary because I know that there is no possibility that anyone else will ever read it. But as I was saying, Bruce has given so much, he's saved so many lives. It's a shame that he had to experience such a loss at such an early age when his parents were murdered. But do you know what? I can do something about that. All it will take is one serving of body-length blue tights, a pinch of red briefs, and a hefty dose of relativity violating time travel. I'll go back in time and save Bruce's parents as a gift to him because he has given so much...

Ha, ha, ha, ha - just kidding! No, I mean I really am going to go back in time and save Bruce's parents, but because that will mean that he will never become Batman. Let's be honest, all those people that Batman has been saving, I could have very easily saved them myself. Come on people; I'm Superman! And without Batman hanging around all of the time, Wonder Woman will finally come to her senses and realize that the Man of Steel is the only one that any of the chicks should ever want. Caped Crusader... What a joke.

Now where did I put those red briefs...

The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

07-17-xxxx - I've been feeling depressed lately. Yes, that's right Superman does get depressed sometimes. It's hard going through life knowing that you are the best and not being able to show everyone else how much you enjoy knowing you are the best. You know what I'm talking about, right? Ha! Of course you don't know what I'm talking about since you are not Superman and you are not the best. Wait a minute. Who am I talking to here? Since this is Superman's diary, anyone caught reading it would be dead. (And resistance would be futile since Superman has no weaknesses.) That is, anyone who isn't a hot chick who is caught reading this would be dead. I have other ways of dealing with hot chicks caught reading this diary, namely, making out with them to cause them to forget. But I am depressed and I need to find some sort of remedy. Let me see, how did I deal with this sort of thing in the past? I know how to find out. Let me get my trusty blue tights and red briefs out and do flying back into the past to find out. I'll take the diary along with me. I'll put it in my briefs since it will be protected from the heat there...

Oh wait, I see myself over there looking a little depressed. Let's see, I can vaguely remember this happening. I had just been turned down on a date to the school dance by this really hot chick. Instead, she went with some meathead. If anyone should have gone to the dance with this chick and stood on the opposite side of the gym with the guys while she stood on the opposite side of the gym with the other girls, it should have been me. Okay, I have to go talk some sense into me.

Wow, that was close it's a good thing that I put on that disguise before going over there. But it was a really close call when I asked me what my name and how I knew that I had powers. Luckily, I was able to think quickly and come up with 'El-Kal' for a name and I seemed to be satisfied enough with this. So I told myself I really should start using my powers to sabotage this meathead so that I could get the hot chicks. I mean, what good are powers if you aren't using them to pick up chicks? Come to think of it, I vaguely remember my depression ending after I ran into some mysterious stranger so many years ago...

Oh well, I've done my good here on this day. I probably should head back to the present.

Now where did I put those red briefs...

The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

04-24-xxxx - Those bastards! I guess the cat is out of the bag, as they say. So these jerks have discovered that kryptonite is not actually radioactive. So obviously if kryptonite is not radioactive, it's only a matter of time before these geniuses figure things out and realize that I'm not really weakened by the stuff. I mean seriously, they should have realized this beforehand. I'm Superman, for heaven's sake, nothing weakens Superman. And just to be clear, Superman has realized that Superman has not spoken about Superman in the third person enough, or at all, in Superman's diary, and so Superman will have to do so more. But again, once these idiots make this discovery, they're bound to wonder why Superman would possibly pretend to be weakened by kryptonite and in the process allow people to remain in danger. The answer is quite simple; Superman has learned that to some degree, chicks are attracted to vulnerability, even hot chicks. If chicks believe that Superman is vulnerable, they will be drawn to Superman...err, Superman means they will be drawn to Superman even more than they already are. So if a few people have to experience danger for a little bit longer while Superman pretends to be vulnerable to kryptonite, then so be it. As long as it helps Superman get the hot chicks... Besides, Superman only really likes saving hot chicks anyway. Oh yeah, and chicks, those of you who wear lead lined clothing because you don't think Superman's x-ray vision can see through lead, ha, ha, ha, gotcha!

For some reason Superman thinks Superman needs Superman's red briefs...

The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

04-13-xxxx - I must admit that I did have a lot of fun hanging out at Bayside High School. And just as I knew I would, I ruled that school! Slater turned out to be a big time wuss, and soon after I got there, I was getting all of the chicks and pretty-boy Zack was getting none. I guess I probably didn't need to use my heat vision to set aflame all of the gel that he had in his hair and horribly disfigure him (you know, because I was going to get all of the chicks anyway), but whatever. Eventually I got a little bored with the whole Bayside scene because none of these kids seemed to have any real future, except maybe Screech, who I figured might end up in amateur porn one day... So Bayside sucked and I decided I had to come back to my own time, so I got out my tights, my red briefs and so on...

I was a little bored when I got back of course because I'm Superman. I'm a tough guy. When you're the greatest being in all of history (and I know this because I can use my red briefs to go forward in time as well as back in time) very little excites you. But then I heard from someone that this place called Orange County, California had some hot chicks and I was like crap, I was just there! Once Bayside started to suck, I totally should have just flew down south to the OC. (I guess I probably could have done this after Beverly Hills started to suck as well, but whatever.) So I put on my blue tights, and got out my trusty red briefs, and I was off.

But when I got here, I was terribly disappointed. First of all there were no dudes that could compete with studly me. I mean Seth and Ryan? Come on; these guys are jokes. And since Ryan passed as the tough guy of the group, I knew I had nothing to worry about. I mean, as tough guys go, Slater would have wiped the floor with this Ryan dude even though Ryan is from the mean streets of Chino, CA, and though Slater's mullet would suggest otherwise.

And this is what passes for hot chicks in Orange County, CA? Summer? Marissa? I mean seriously, I was out there flying around when Marissa died in that car accident. I mean, I could have saved her, but I thought to myself, Marissa really isn't hot enough for me to save her. Dude, I'm seriously tired of the wusses in the OC and these tremendously not hot chicks. I have to get out of here.

Now where are those red briefs...

The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

03-13-xxxx - Man was I unbelievably wrong when I was in high school! The other day I was so incredibly bored with those whiny people in Metropolis whining about the fact that Lex Luthor had sent a nuclear powered man to devastate the city or that Bizarro had taken a bath in the sewer and was now trying to "help" people. I just needed to get away. So I decided to pull out my trusty red briefs and do some time travelling. So I did my thing, flew around the world a bunch of times and then happened to stop at this place called Bayside, CA. I happened to use my x-ray vision and I looked inside this place called The Max, and all I can say is wow! Seriously, those girls in there were hot. All I can say is that those girls would look great naked. Yes, I said naked. Well, all of them would look great naked except Jessie Spano. For some reason, I don't think that she would look great naked and that is not because I have already seen her naked with my x-ray vision.

But in all seriousness, why are these girls even bothering with these dudes at all. This Screech fellow seems like the last guy that could ever pick up chicks. He seems like the type that is much more suited to appearing in amateur porn tapes. And this Zack dude, come on! I could clearly pick up Kelly so much easier than he could. And then finally Slater? This guy is supposed to be the tough guy of the crew? Please! I would totally own this guy in a wrestling match. And would you look at the crappy wrestling tights that he wears! I would never be seen in anything like that. Well excuse me please; I have to go put on my blue body length tights with the red briefs over them and wrestle Slater into submission. The girls of Bayside will totally be mine, except for Jessie who can't possibly look hot naked.

Now where are those red briefs...

The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

02-13-xxxx - I definitely had it all wrong back when I was in high school. The whole "boy scout" thing was a total waste of time. Rather than playing Mr. Niceguy, I should have been doing one simple thing: doing whatever it took to score the chicks. Case in point, I could have ruled the Peach Pit Diner back when I was growing up. I mean what did guys like Brandon and Dylan have on me back in those days, other than the fact that they looked like they were about ten years older than me while in high school, and that they were shorter with balance issues due to being staggered by the overabundance of hair products that they had to use. The only guy that I would have possibly had a problem with was Steve because he wasn't impish. Clearly I would have beaten him in a fight, but that would not have been necessary since he buttons his shirts all the way up to his neck.

So in essence, I would have had all the girls. I would have gone for them in this order: Brenda, Kelly, Andrea. I would not have touched Donna, she was hideous. But make no mistake about it, I definitely would have stolen Brenda from Brandon back then. He would have had no prayer against me. If only I could go back and rule the Peach Pit Diner...

Wait a minute, if I fly just fast enough, maybe I can... Where did I put those red briefs? - CK