The Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again

Superman is without a doubt the greatest superhero ever created. How do we know this? Well, Superman is the most powerful superhero and that naturally means that he must be the greatest. Let’s see, Superman can fly, he has super breath, x-ray vision, heat vision, virtual invulnerability, super speed, and so on and so forth. But those are only his most commonly used abilities. Did you know that Superman is capable of time travel? It’s true! He did it in Superman: the Movie, and in the course also violated many laws of physics. Superman is also capable of creating illusions of himself (he did it in Superman II) and telekinesis (okay maybe he didn’t do this himself in Superman II, but one of the other Kryptonians did so and this must mean that Superman can do it). And then of course one can make the claim that he is capable of actually replicating himself (did it in Superman III), but this may have actually just been a war within his own head without Clark Kent and the evil Superman actually fighting. But I have not mentioned Superman’s greatest power – one that is always overlooked. His greatest power is his ability to wear red briefs over full body covering blue tights. This ability no other superhero has been able to duplicate.

Whew! That was a mouthful. Superman often wonders what life would have been like if he had not been such a boy scout, but rather, was “bad to the bone.” Luckily enough, I have discovered Superman’s very own diary about these subjects, and now I present to you an excerpt from the Diary of the Adventures of Superman as a Boy if He Could be a Boy Again…

04-13-xxxx - I must admit that I did have a lot of fun hanging out at Bayside High School. And just as I knew I would, I ruled that school! Slater turned out to be a big time wuss, and soon after I got there, I was getting all of the chicks and pretty-boy Zack was getting none. I guess I probably didn't need to use my heat vision to set aflame all of the gel that he had in his hair and horribly disfigure him (you know, because I was going to get all of the chicks anyway), but whatever. Eventually I got a little bored with the whole Bayside scene because none of these kids seemed to have any real future, except maybe Screech, who I figured might end up in amateur porn one day... So Bayside sucked and I decided I had to come back to my own time, so I got out my tights, my red briefs and so on...

I was a little bored when I got back of course because I'm Superman. I'm a tough guy. When you're the greatest being in all of history (and I know this because I can use my red briefs to go forward in time as well as back in time) very little excites you. But then I heard from someone that this place called Orange County, California had some hot chicks and I was like crap, I was just there! Once Bayside started to suck, I totally should have just flew down south to the OC. (I guess I probably could have done this after Beverly Hills started to suck as well, but whatever.) So I put on my blue tights, and got out my trusty red briefs, and I was off.

But when I got here, I was terribly disappointed. First of all there were no dudes that could compete with studly me. I mean Seth and Ryan? Come on; these guys are jokes. And since Ryan passed as the tough guy of the group, I knew I had nothing to worry about. I mean, as tough guys go, Slater would have wiped the floor with this Ryan dude even though Ryan is from the mean streets of Chino, CA, and though Slater's mullet would suggest otherwise.

And this is what passes for hot chicks in Orange County, CA? Summer? Marissa? I mean seriously, I was out there flying around when Marissa died in that car accident. I mean, I could have saved her, but I thought to myself, Marissa really isn't hot enough for me to save her. Dude, I'm seriously tired of the wusses in the OC and these tremendously not hot chicks. I have to get out of here.

Now where are those red briefs...