I'm sure you all have seen this very touching commercial showing NBA superstar, and reigning NBA Finals MVP, Dwyane Wade showing how noble a spirit he truly has while helping out those less fortunate than himself. While I was watching this commercial recently it occurred to me that in some respects I am less fortunate than Dwyane Wade, and I have always wanted a 2007 Lincoln Navigator. (Or at least I have always wanted one since I learned that they were not discontinuing the Navigator model for the 2007 year, and I realized that apparently NBA superstar Dwyane Wade was giving them away.) And so after careful analysis, I developed a multi-step plan whereby I would obtain my coveted 2007 Lincoln Navigator.
Step 1: Find a basketball court with chain nets, or if one cannot be found with chain nets, purchase chain nets and replace existing cloth nets with chain nets.
Step 2: Cut rim into two pieces so that one piece hangs from the second piece by chain net. (I don't think that the cloth net would be able to support the rim.)
Step 3: Gain the trust of local parents. (This step may be a bit involved, but likely it could be accomplished by attending a couple of PTA meetings.)
Step 4: Alert Dwyane Wade to my plight - sort of. This would be accomplished by purchasing a ticket to a Miami Heat basketball game and carrying a sign that says "Hey Dwyane Wade, I have a run down basketball court with a rim that is cut in two, being partially suspended by a chain net. Also, I know a lot of kids who are counting on me to coach them on this court. By the way, the court is located at _____, and a new basketball stanchion can only fit in a 2007 Lincoln Navigator."
Step 5: Exploit children. And this is probably the pivotal step. Once I have convinced the parents that I'm a good guy, I'm going to have to convince the kids that I'm a good guy as well so that the ruse will be believable in the eyes of Dwyane Wade. I must therefore resort to the time honored way of getting children to do anything that you want them to do: bribery. Now, it's been a while since I was a child myself, and so I am unsure of the exact current bribery rate for children. However, upon studying up on the subject, I think it is two packs each of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, or maybe three packs. By giving the children three packs each of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards (yeah, I had better make it three) I can certainly convince them to not only show up to the basketball court, but also help place the basketball stanchion upright. I'm not sure what the current child wage laws are, but I think that the probably should receive about $45 each for this work. Advantage me.
Step 6: Catch the car keys when Dwyane Wade throws them to me.
Step 7: Drive off in my 2007 Lincoln Navigator.
Step 8: Call parents to pick up their kids from the court after I've had a couple of beers.